There's Proof, But I Don't Know What To Do..

I have been with my fiance now for exactly a year and a month, and... I am tired of being silent and strong about the hardships of our relationship and having no one to turn to.
I am an insanely trustful person, so much so that it is a detraction instead of a good thing about me.
I will blindly believe what anyone tells me because, I myself contrive to tell the truth bluntly and religiously. It was how I was raised, so the nature of lying is pretty foreign to me.

Now, my guy grew up very different. He was beaten as a child, thrown in foster home after foster home, bouncing from them back to his biological father who left scars inside and out on this man.
He was abused by the first woman he was with in that she cheated on him several times. His next relationship was no better, the girl using him to get off, cheating on him with two other men, and not caring for him at all.

We met by accident when I was working as a lifeguard for the summer, and instantly attracted.
Now that we are farther along in our relationship, I've uncovered some unsettling stuff that personally has thrown me for a loop.

My guy, I found out had a year long fling (that he hasn't told me about before) with a transvesitite, two years back. They met maybe five times but did have sex.
I found this out after he had asked me to sign him into his email to check for a job update and an email had been received instead from this old 'fling' asking how he was, and if he was still single.

I then , at the same time (like a double whammy) found out he had gone on two separate dates a month earlier with a younger boy, barely out of high school, and had participated in oral sex.

Now, this man lied to my face continuously as I found out more and more stuff like the fact that he looks up tranny **** weekly. Mind you for our entire relationship I never looked at his phone, didn't know any of his passwords, didn't worry about where he was going, and what he was doing.
Like I said, trusting to a fault I guess.

Since this incident, I can't even look at him without crying, and feeling lost and hurt. Not only did he cheat on me but with another man, and he's had a history with another one.
I am in no means a homophobe, I have several gay and lesbian friends, but honestly, it unnerves me and makes me feel on edge at all times knowing here I thought I only had to look at for women sometimes.

I love him to death, I do. I have never felt so connected to a man before in my life, but... I was raised in a household where lying was the worst thing you could do, and that the best thing in life you can hope to do is be a good person throughout all your faults and trials.

It has been a month from this incident and I have tried to pull myself away from him, and he has been bending over backwards to show me that he wants to be with me and stay with me. But he is still looking at transvestite ****, and although I have been told before **** is not a direct correlation to a man's reality, I am so confused and hurt.

I feel myself trusting him, simply because I don't know how to not. I don't want to lose him, I do love him, I'll be strong with or without him, but at this point....
I simply don't know how to handle his seeming 'addiction' to this type of ****, and urges, and how to forgive him for lying to me and throwing my feelings out of the door.

GHeroG GHeroG
4 Responses May 16, 2012

I feel like your description of your self is very similar to me, its uncanny. I too am an insanely trustworthy person and I thought my partner would at least share the loyalty I always believe in. I personally don't think you should be with this guy, especially with being with a previous gay relationship and clearly cheating on you. I know it's really hard and it's not just you about you and him but your heart as well as your lifestyle work, and people around you. It's scary as you don't know what's best. I feel really alone but hearing your story I feel like we both have to be strong and it's not worth getting unwell about. I think you know what you have to do - do a plan that will make you be secure or meet people or other interests - ( which I know might go against your nature ) but you need some support when you break up with him . I bet he will understand and I'm sure will be around. You have to clear it out with him know the worst is that HE will be the one feeling guilty and if he doesn't then in your head you know you have to leave him.

Please hear me as I speak from experience. I married my Ex husband at 20 years old. He was my first and only for 20 years after. I was raised in a Christian home and I was a virgin when I got married. My Ex was gay as a teenager & young adult but hid behind religion for 20 years of our marriage. On our honeymoon he could not get an erection. It took him 6 months to get an erection after we got married. I suffered tremendous rejection from him emotionally and sexually. I always thought it was something wrong with me. i was gorgeous, sexy and well shaped but his rejection invalidated me. It is not worth it to remain in a dysfunctional relationship. It will drain you to the point of death or suicide. I lost years of my life because I allowed him to keep me in our toxic relationship. Please ma'am Run for your life. You deserve so much better. Now it's intriguing and perhaps fascinating but time will take a toll on you and you will literally want to die of the rejection and shame. Your self esteem will suffer greatly. There are too many straight men out there who are ready, willing and able to give you ALL that you need as a healthy heterosexual female. Your guy has issues and problems that go far deeper than you have time to address. Your life is precious and short so keep it MOVING honey!!

You should really love yourself first and leave if not just for the lying but the cheating and with a boy none the less that is barely legal that's a whole other situation in itself...I know how connection can be and how hard to come...take some distance heal one deserves to waste their days crying and maybe you two can be friends oneday but now you need to focus on moving after sound like a wonderful person I know many good men out there waiting for someone give the world too

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is unfortunate that gay people have to hide who they really are, yet it is completely unfair to use you as a beard. He may be trying to convince himself that he is attracted to you, but it is not the truth. Even if he was bi that does not allow him to date more than one person at a time let alone the opposite sex. You have all the proof that you need. So if you decide to stay, you can not blame him all alone. You will have to accept the fact that you chose to stay knowing what you know. <br />
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It is your choice to make. If you do not want to be in a relationship with a gay man that is being deceitful then ok and if you want to be with him inspite of these fact that is ok too. It is not what I would want for myself or you, but it is your life and what may be may be the only advice that I can give you is to always be safe and do not think that having a child will cure the problems