New Relationship, Bicurious/gay Boyfriend. What To Do?

I have been dating my boyfriend now for about 6 months, though we have known each other for a little over a year. We met on a dating website and got to know each other in the first 8 or so months of our friendship, taking our time to really get to know each other and decide at 24 and 27 years old this is someone we wanted to potentially be with forever. We have been very happy in our relationship and have a lot of love and support for each other. My family loves him, and I am getting close with his family as well. With all other things, we are best friends and it truly is a fantastic relationship with a lot of future potential however there is one slight issue.
Before we were dating, I used to snoop though he phone to see what other girls he was talking to and to know where I stood. I in no way condone this but I needed to do it so I could understand why we weren't dating immediately. Since we have started dating, I have stopped looking at his phone, as I need to work on my own trust. I have, however, used his computer numbers times and have found  **** about tranny, bisexual males, shemales, gay **** etc. All things I had no idea about. I found out my boyfriend also has an alternative email address/identity that he uses online for **** and he has sent messages about being bicurious to other males on craigslist. I think he termed it DL. One of the posts on his online **** site said "you are insecure about your sexuality because you are gay"... I have no idea if anything ever happened with these and have stopped looking at his computer, however, I have a hard time with trust from past relationships but this is all new territory for me. 
We were watching a show where the main girl character finds out her ex boyfriend is gay and I said something like- oh well, that's a big fear of mine, being with someone for so long and then finding that out because you are conflicted about being happy they found themselves but also heartbroken. I said "baby, are you gay" and he sarcastically said "yea, I am and there are bigger fears then a gay boyfriend". Again, this was all in a light hearted joking manner but it still concerns me.
We talk about our future all the time, and I just don't know what to do. Should i confront him? Will it end my relationship? Do I end my relationship? I love him  and he constantly tells me how much he loves me, but I just don't want to be three years down the road and more involved yet still worried. 
What should I do?
greenidangyl greenidangyl
2 Responses May 25, 2012

I have a similar situation however I have put 8-9years into this relationship and only recently it breaks my heart to find him on a gay website (also checked his phone - had a feeling) and he was chatting to men and also sending photos.. I have now eventually confronted him. He says he loves me and wants to be with me and he hasn't cheated on me (tests were clear-or he was safe..) and he said it is a control thing he finds intriguing? I'm still with him at the moment because he made me fall in love him- like you friends and family love him and get on well with him. And he said he wants to be with me not a man. I just don't want to be THAT girl.. and I don't know about you but I thought he'd have the decency to tell me if something was up. I think you should speculate a bit more and openly ask him - gather evidence if you have to as I have this sad feeling they may not open up to it and as I am finding (unless I am just trying to add things up) that points to the fact he may be interested in men.

I read your story cause I actually know someone who fits your bf exactly except the age. It sounds like u have a very comfortable "friendship" kind of like having a best girlfriend for life. Don't feel too bad about checking his phone & computer cause if u never had u would never know the truth about him. Do u really want to look the other way regarding his sexuality. U don't seem very freaked out about him possibly hooking up with strange men off the Internet, don't u think u deserve honesty from a partner so u can decide what u r or r not ok with? If u stay with this man as it is now, u will be risking your heart & your health. If your ok with it, then he needs to be honest about his desire, past or present, for same sex relations. Maybe he's done with that & only wants u? But if u don't out right talk about it, u will forever wonder if he is leading a secret life and your trust issues will worsen. Tbh, I suspect he is gay but is denying it & with u around he might feel more "normal" even tho there's nothing wrong with a person being gay. That's his struggle. Will u be equipped for the emotional support that he will need if he ever comes out? Idk u or him but my instinct says keep it to friendship & find someone who can give u all of him. <br />
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Now here's a question for u, do u think a girl should be told her bf is gay or bisexual if someone knows it for sure?? Again, I know a guy who is similar to your guy & I too have seen his phone & emails where he is secretly connecting with men off of graigslist. He has major anger issues & I think it's because he is hiding his secret life & it would shock his friends cause they r kind of "the mean boys". His messages indicated he was also "bi-curious" but the ad he was responding to was for a 3-some with not one guy but TWO guys. He correspondence read like he was very experienced in the language & very explicit. After a months worth of sex talk back & forth, he went to the city for a month. We can only speculate I guess but my question for u is should someone tell his new gf about his secret life so she can make her own judgement about her health?? Like your bf, he would never offer up the truth & if confronted would prob lie but doesn't she have that right to know? I believe everyone should be honest no matter what they like or their relationship is doomed right at the get-go and this is not a minor hiccup. If your bf had a criminal record, shouldn't u know about that even if he's committed to a better life after he served his time?? Your opinion would be appreciated.