Realization

Today we were invited to a friend's place for lunch.  I am the only one who doesn't speak their language.  no problem they all just ignored me and spoke their language.  I felt left out.  I didn't even want to go in the first place.  Why does my husband make me go out with these people?? I pulled out my iphone and started to read a book and entertain myself.  WTH right? I just started to look around and thought why is he with me? Well it triggered something in me that I've never shared with anybody.  I have no one really to talk to so when things (events) happen I push them deep down which is dangerous because they tend to add up. 
On the car ride home I was really quiet...thinking of these things then it all started to add up...my husband hates me.
Here's why:
When we were going to get married my husband had a mental episode.  I didn't know that he had any mental issues.  I didn't even think of the reasons for it I just tried to help him through it . Mental illness was new (and scary) to me. I wasn't until later that it even dawned on me that maybe him not wanting to marry me in the first place is what started this episode.  Like I said I didn't even think of that I loved him and tried to help him get better.  So I think it all starts from this point.  When I think back on it I feel like an incredible idiot!!!!!!! If I even thought that this man was having an episode b/c he didn't love me and didn't want to marry me then I would never have married him.  Why would I want to be married to someone who doesn't want me. 
It wasn't until we weren't having sex like newlyweds were suppose to that made me wander about him.  He blamed it on the illness and medication, but he still like to look at ****.?? So it must have been me.  
There are certain times (events) that hurt like someone stabbing me in my heart.
1.  I injured my foot and had an incredibly hard time walking.  He wouldn't take the dogs out even after I begged him to.  so I had to in pain.
2. If he meets someone from the past he NEVER introduces me.
3.  Our 6th wedding anniversary was on a Saturday and he sat on the sofa all day playing video games on his cell phone.  It was only when I started crying that he went to the store and got some crappy gift.  It really sucked when I went to the jewelery store ( to pick out something for myself) and saw all the men looking for their spouses.  I thought that this anniversary would be different.  I just saw him through yet another episode in which he called me several times at work to divorce me.  I stayed home with him so that he wouldn't go to work in his state and get fired. Meaning I had to take off work myself.  All this always goes unthanked.  I know that this is what a wife is suppose to do, but when you are putting stuff on the line a little something a little thanks...a card. would help.  If I ever want anything I feel like I have to beg for it or buy it myself.  I never get flowers for anything.  I think that it is in his culture to work women like dogs!!!!! oh when I told him about the other husbands he said i was materialistic. 
4. We went out to dinner with his boss and his boss' wife.  They are about 10 years older or so.  After dinner his boss took his wife's hand and walked her to their car.  After they walked away I took my husband's hand which he shook away.  It hurt. It still does!  I stopped trying any form hand holding with him.  I had such a good night.  Ive seen other men in his culture hold their wives hands and even call them cute little nick names.  My husband is disgusted with me and I don't know why.  I know that Im not perfect but shouldn't love look past that?
5.  i was sick and he still made me drive his stupid creepy friend to Austin with him.  His friend was a jerk too and never even offered for me to stay home.  So here I am with a wicked cold and its winter listening to some BS band in Austin. I left them there and went to the car to warm up. I didn't even complain. If it were him I would have insisted he stay home. I think that he is selfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. He never really proposed.  I had to  buy both our rings b/c he was overseas and was working too hard.  If you really loved a girl and wouldn't you want to do this?
7. When his work is stressful I leave cards and such in his lunch which he never acknowledges. when my work is stressful though sh*t for me. 
I feel like I put too much into this "relationship" when this is not what he really wants and doesn't have the guts to tell me.  I really feel that this marriage is doomed. I don't expect it to get any better than this.  sure he tells me he loves me, but I truly feel that he hates my guts maybe he doesn't even know it. 
8. He doesn't want children with me at ALL. I found one of his diaries in which he wrote as much.  That hurt since I've wanted a baby since I was young. Now I don't at all. When people ask I make a disgusted face like Hell no! 
This is not all the stuff i feel just some of the stuff i can never say b/c if I do all hell will break lose and then his anger at the truth will only be all my fault like everything else in his life.
Maha77 Maha77
31-35
Jul 18, 2010