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Why Does He Hate Me?

He rolls his eyes when I talk to him. He always tells me I complain about everything even if it's not complaining. He gets mad when I'm sick (I get sick often). He tells me to shut up when he's mad. He tells me that he doesn't want to come home from work because I'm at home. He is always angry with me about money and lack of sex. He tells me he has no time for me. He doesn't talk to me at all about anything. We don't spend anytime alone together. He doesn't call me from work or ask me how my day is. He used to tell me how pretty I was but he doesn't do that anymore. He ignores me and when he isn't ignoring me he's disrespectful. 
notsoglad notsoglad 31-35 53 Responses Sep 6, 2010

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Update: we have been separated for 8 months now. It feels so good to finally be able to breathe.

Just remember that people tend to lean on others for their own happiness and a lot of times this is why relationships fail. Rely on yourself for your own happiness and you'll see life in a whole new way. ThanKs for the ongoing support and good luck to you all.

I feel the same way about mine...but he tells me he loves me and then shows like he doesn't

you summed it up love. Lack of sex. You say you're married so why a lack of? That's part of a proper marriage. You say he doesn't comment how pretty you are but you haven't said ifyou even make an effort any more either! Flat out it sounds like maybe you once made an effort and now, comfortable in your marriage you don't make so much of one now. This is what so many women complain about but it is the same old song and dance isn't it? Make an effort and you will see the old him you use to see. Sounds like he'll be happy to see the old you. This has obviously been going on for sometime it sounds. I'm sure there is much more to this than you have posted.

Sex is not what marriage is all about nor is it physical looks. We all lose our looks and we all have periods when sex isn't possible. A good marriage is about committment, friendship, always being there for each other, and always putting the marriage above all else. It has worked for me and my husband. We've been married 34 years.

I have to disagree. My husband does me the same way. I still try daily to impress my husband. I remain invisible to him. I am thin and by no means unattractive. So what his problem is is himself. Not her. A lot of men just forget there are 2 people in a relationship and both have to make an effort or else it will fail.

I know I'm a lot late but no woman should be treated or allow herself to be treated in a horrible way. stand up and break the cycle. A man should ever break oR make you or your character EVER

Mine has been particularly "Dickish." I believe it's due to stress.... I am nobody's whipping post.

The reality is it's the same old song and dance. Whether your 2 yes into marriage or 22 yrs. The best advice........

Take care of yourself and your kids, physically, mentally, spiritually. STOP making your husband your sole focus. If you want to go back to school... Do it! .... if you want to start working so your able to fend for yourself..... Go make if happen. Yes it sucks, yes it's challenging, but the alternative is being single. Which is ok too if that's the choice you make.


The reality is all of our husbands (like ourselves) have baggage. We can either dwell on it or stop making it the focus. Yes he'll **** you off, but so will you **** him off... this is life. Move past it do what's right for you and your kids and if we are blessed maybe our husbands will John us when they're done pouting. If they don't? Well that's their loss and you are a happier stronger woman for not focusing solely on them. You also will teach your kids balance and focus when times are tough. I'm living my own dream so J know. With a blended family it's even more complicated, but I love the pain in the *** and I have my own baggage to work on so I cannot focus on his. (7yrs strong)


Good luck!

Thanks that hit me right!

I really hurt reading all this. I just left my husband we live separately because of physical,emotional, and verbal abuse. I knew it was time to go once i went to buy a weapon for him and my baby boy was getting in the middle of our fights at the age of 2 hes 4 and after a world tour last year i came home and moved out. Now he puts it all on me. H e wont move on from the past he thinks when im trying to help that i don't want him to do or to have anything. well after being married 6 years i need a new problem and he doesn't wanna move on or forgive me and since that is what was causing all the abuse i left. I was very scared to take care of myself but I'm happier.

BTW, sorry for the grammatical and punctuational errors in both of my posts. Its still pretty early and my coffee hasn't done the job yet. Happy Easter everyone. Christ is risen!

Lorris must be one drop dead gorgeous woman with a perfect saint for a man. Or maybe Lorris is a man. I can't imagine a woman responding to these women the way he or she is doing. You must really be living one h@ll of a perfect life. Or else denial may be in the mix as well. An no I am not in an abusive relationship, but I have been and I have a degree in Psychology. There is absolutely NO REASON for anyone...male or female to be abusive. The other person's looks, behavior, weight gain, nagging etc, don't NOT EVER justify abuse of any kind. If he/she is being abusive then they are the once with the problems, not the victim.

Lorris is most likely a 300 pound hairy balding troll who has nothing else to do with his twisted life but make people who feel bad feel even worse. Every day he is lifted out of his bed by crane and taken over to his computer station where he spends his time looking up comments on boards made by people seeking solace so that he can spew corrosive drivel at them.

I hope he gets well soon.

Been married only 2 years and i feel like ur telling my story.

Still here, still waiting and still promised change. Someone asked me what I like about him - these days there isn't much to like. He is now jobless due to an accident resulting in major surgery. He is fully recovered and fully unemployed. He makes no contribution financially, emotionally, or sexually. He just is.

You are writing my story, I have endured the same treatment for years, and finally I told him, how he verbally and emotionally abused me. That's it, I didn't call him any names etc. I just told him that. Then I went to see a therapist, bec this time I was ready to leave him. He has changed since then. Friends has noticed the change. I am writing because I feel that no one should have to go through the same treatment I went thru. Verbal and emotional abuse hurts the very core of your being, it reduces you far more than you can imagine. Get help quickly.

My husband is pushing me to the enge. he just lost his father a month ago and he is taking everything out on me. He is distant, mean, angry. He nit picks everything i do and is constantly telling me what I do worng. Last week he tolk me he doesnt love me anymore adn doesnt want to be with me. He wants to be alone adn that I make him misrebale. I want to believe that this is the grief talking and that he really doesnt feel that way, but I am hurting so bad that I dont want to live. Please help me!

I read your post as I was looking for other ppl in my situation. You are the only person he has to take his emotions out on, but that doesn't mean you should take it or deserve it. I'm in the same boat, my prince of 9yrs decided 2 yrs ago(while preg) to turn this other person, I always voice that its not ok to treat me this way or that way. Next step is counseling which sounds like where you guys should go as well. Lastly though it may seem like your world is falling apart, it may be a blessing in disguise. As long as you know you've tried.

Once my prince as well. I've been pretending to friends and family that it has been fine. He thinks everything is fine. Truth is, I am miserable. I just persevere and try to focus on other things. Counseling is a possibility if he gets a job. Best of luck to you.

Since I wrote you that reply, I googled "silent treatment" bc my hubby was going days without talking to me. I found this site that said the silent treatment was a form of abuse for the other person to gain control. I left the website up for him to read cause it was everything he did to me. And since he always calls me controling I wanted him to see my perspective. The next day the **** hit the fan and we had this huge blow up, he was livid I would call him abusive, on a short drive I cried and pleaded with him to just ******* talk to me instead of punishing me with the silent treatment. I told him the "D" word is not in my vocab and that we have been thru so much what could I have done that he shuts me out! In the end he told me I talk down to him, ( I've always talked down to him , it's hard not to, he's just so immature at times) so we agreed he would tell me when I was doing it. That lasted for about three weeks and now he is back to it. I did suggest counseling during our drive and he said, " I don't need some random person to fix my relationship" we'll if you won't do it or let someone on the outside looking in help... I guess we are ******.

I would like to start out by saying that NO ONE is perfect! I have read all these comments and after reading what other women in the world are going through I find that my marriage is not at all bad!!! Sometimes it does feel like it though. My Marriage has had its rough moments and there were times in my relationship that my husband has hit me before..... But I am going to tell you that when someone says that once a man hits you he will always hit you or that it will get worse, Thats not always true. I have been married for 4yrs and the 1st year of our marriage was great and then the 2nd year was full of him accusing me all the time of cheating on him!!! It got so old so finally I gave him a reason to accuse me because I did go out and cheat!! And yes I do regret what I did and when he gets angry at me he throws it in my face.... He has only hit me 3 times and that was into the 3rd year of our marriage and he promised me he would never do it again and he hasen't we are going into the 5th yr of our marriage! And even though we aruge alot I can say he does spoil me :) Any thing I want if he's got the money I can get it :) He doesnt call me fat even though I have gained a whole lot of weight and he doesnt call me ugly. So are yall wondering what I am on this post for?? Well My husband has a bad habbit of not caring about ANYTHING!!! He thinks he is always right and I'm always wrong...... He always talks bad about my family when hes mad but then again I talk bad about his also...... He tells me I am always bitching even though I am just telling him things out of love.....And he says my voice is annoying when I scream which it is annoying..... I don't know maybe our relationship is just like that..... People don't understand how we put up with eachother...... I said I guess it just works like that! Me and my husband have nothing in common AT ALL.... But they say opposites attract I guess they werent lying..... But a little word of advice If you are getting beaten my your spouse alone or in front of the children YOU SHOULD GET AWAY IT COULD MEAN YOU AND YOUR CHILDS LIFE......My husband may have hit me before but it was open handed and it dident even really hurt {not physically anyway} But if you are getting beaten and a gun put to your head or if he tells u hes going to kill seek help right away, you should never have to live in fear!!!!!

Why isn't your concern.
Your concern is that your spouse is emotionally abusive, and why doesn't really matter.

I think your first step should be to stop expecting him to meet your emotional needs.
He's not interested in doing that, so stop trying to get him to do it, because it just gives him an opportunity to hurt you more.
Get some friends-maybe a support group, or look on meetup.com in your town, see if there's social events to go to.
Please get therapy also.

i understand your situation i myself am in the same situation. my husband talks to me the same way. he deletes everything hids things on his computer and to beat it all i just bought him a tablet for xmas. i found a pic of another woman and her children on it along with 2 pics of **** stars. i know men are pigs but he just got that 2 weeks ago. im not sure what to tell you cause im stuck in the same place. i have fallen into a deep depression i just cant deal with the neglect or abuse anymore.

What is it you like about him?

I feel the same

I am 25 years old been married for 7 years, my husband is so mean to me and he has been our hole relationship he yells at me on a daily bases telling me I'm worthless, stupid and can't do anything right,he punches me in the back of the head, chokes me throws things at me like forks,cups,books, phones, the kids toys, he has held a gun to my head 6 times. He says its my fault he does what he does, if I just did Things right he wouldn't do it. I love him I've been with him so long but i dont want to do this anymore im sooo unhappy ive gained 20 pounds in the last 2 months because im just eating my emotions. we have 2 kids together and he does all this in front of them, the kids love there dad he's a great provider he makes sure they have everything they need. My oldest awalys says mom please don't divorce dad I want you guys to be together :(... even if I wanted to I couldn't. I dropped out of school when I was pregnant, when I was a baby I got lead poisoned and I have terrible learning disabilities I couldn't get a job to support my children and I, just think it would be selfish there quality of live would drop significantly. I just feel like life would be Sooo much better for everyone if I wasn't in it, I've thought about killing myself a lot but I just can't do it. I need help and I don't know we're to turn.

Go back to school dear! Get an education you can do it! When kids are at school slowly one or two days a week go to a community college and get an appointment with consuler and they will tell you what can you do, you are super young, don't believe that husband of yours, you can work doing anything washing dishes in a restaurant, helping another mom, cleaning homes, in grocery stores etc etc wake up! Be strong, your husband wants to brain wash you that you are not capable, its not true, even people with down syndrome work and go to school, why not you? I told you do it when kids are at school 3 hours and go back home and do your shores, get your power back! You will see!
see

Show your kids that is never to late, if you decide to go, get help from parents or family dear, protect your kids dont let this man destroy you, you can do it!!

I googled why does my husband hate me? I have been married 20 years now and I know I have enabled him. We have 5 children and I'm to him a bad parent and wife...I get cussed at if I talk back in an argument or I have no right to be mad at anything that happens because I don't work as hard as he does... I'm stuck and I know I'm not innocent all the time but my life consists of work, kids, home, and husband. I have no friends I don't do anything for myself accept for buying myself a frappe every now and then or maybe buying something to wear on clearance...and I still feel selfish doing that! He buys himself on regular Gin, and cigarettes . Which he works and its his money. I try to be perfect but I just can't seem to please him? I sound very confusing right now but it sure feels good to vent...I just don't know if its me? Should I just shut my mouth when he's angry and accept that I'm always wrong so that we could live in peace?

Well dear I learn to shut my mouth not because I am stupid, is because this man are really disabled they can't be normal they have so much problems mentally and I think of them as retarded poor them really, love yourself, dont feel guilty, he puts you down to have power on you, dont let him, he is disable remember? Always tell him to respect or he will get disrespect, show him that you are that queen, and you are!

They never get happy dear that is how ignorant and small they are, so take care of yourself, find something you like, dont wait for his approval yours is enough :)

Me too, me too, me too, me too, me too... and we have children. Keep truckin' on is all I can say.

Wow im shocked! This may sound mean and I do apologize but....you all think you are trapped. Oh, we have children, oh I depend on him to survive!!! Im a mother and I would leave a man in a heartbeat who abused me in front of my kids or was abusing drugs. You do more harm than good for the kids. But like many of you posted you choose to put up with it. Well, you have choices. He stays because you allow the abuse to happen. Its ok with you so therefore ill,keep hurting you. Common sense.

You have obviously never been in that situation. Don't judge someone just because you THINK you would do things differently

sometimes I tell my husband I want to go stay with my parents for a little time to think and take the baby with he. just temporary so we can both think about things. but everytime i mention this he threatens to take the baby and leave the country. or he says if you take the baby you will be dead in less than a week. double murder suicide he says. if he doesn't threaten with murdering me and the baby he says well it's all or nothing. if i'm going to leave i can never come back and i can't take our baby (6 months old) how do i get away temporarily without him doing something so drastic?

I think that has some legal grounds for you to sue him.
But can I ask why are you wanting to get away in the first place?
maybe he thinks you both can figure things out together and you need not to go away especially to your parents cause this is really hurting for a man's ego.

Yeah, it's easier just to stay, isn't it?

She should be worried about HIS ego? What about her self-esteem and safety. Would you want to be with someone who threatened to kill you and your children?

My dear all this threaten is just bull, if you want to go, dont even mention, prepare yourself and out the door! Get restraning order and child support, to all this ladies here if he hits you go and make a report to the police station so if you decide to go that same day a judge will give you the custody of your children, a judge will never leave them in abusive hands.

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My husband hates me... Period... We don't sleep in the same ROOM, let alone the same bed... I will try to kiss him and he will turn his head... I ask him to talk to me an he says he doesnt feel like it... I ask him to go places with me and he says he doesnt want to... He's told me that I'm an embarrassment... I do everything at home - yardwork, housework, you name it... I try to get his attention but I'm invisible to him... I put on a sexy lingerie outfit and 6 inch heels an he wouldn't even LOOK at me... he works and pays the bills, but I'm not allowed even a dime to get things I need - I have to ask my DAD to get my prescriptions... I had to go to the ER 2 weeks ago and I cried begging him to take me in front of out SON and he told me he just got off work and he didnt feel like taking me or dealing with me... My 75 yr old dad had to pick me up and take me. WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE HIM HATE ME SO MUCH??? Is it the weight I gained when I had our son??? WTF IS IT??? I am at wits end. I don't know what to do any more. I'm 27 years old. I've been married for nearly 8 years. And I'm stuck and see no way out. Why can't he just SEE me???

My mind was about to ask if ever you've gained weight and there i just read it...
Sorry to be honest but I want to tell you that your weight has a lot to do with the way he treats you. yah, it may sound shallow but for guys, their ideal wife starts off with good looks. The one they can show off with friends, the one they can be proud of like a 10-inch basketball trophy... I dont know why is it like that but that is their main concern. Well surely not all are like this but definitely most. My husband is. he is just ashamed to tell me that i got fat cause I was very hot by then...

Anyway, why not try to shed of the weight and get back in shape. If it doesn't do you good or if the treatment stays cruel then I suggest you file an appointment with a marriage counselor.

It's in his head. I'm sorry you can't slap his chin upside down then he'll attack you saying don't do that again. Then if you have kids, just be glad they have Daddy in the household and you can proceed to live your life as if you're single. My husband and I are co-living: sleep on the same bed, take care of eachother when necessary, but we do EVERYTHING else separately. Again, it's in his head. He'll notice you if you start to flirt with one of his friends... if he has any.

lorris, that's an awful thing to say. how low a person to judge their supposed 'loved one' on their weight! if he's not happy about her weight maybe he should leave instead of treating her badly. there's no excuse or reason to emotionally abuse someone.

Wow lorris, so if a woman gains weight, her partner has the right to be emotionally abusive toward her? You have very obviously never been in this type of relationship. I don't care if she gained 200 lbs and sat on her butt all day. There is NO reason for anyone to treat their partner this way. I'm glad for you that you've never experienced this type of relationship, but you should definitely not be dishing out "advice" on something you obviously know nothing about.

Guys lore is was telling the truth some man are jus like that " stupid" only see superficial, its us that let them insult us, what do I need a man that won't pay even my make up and treat me like ****? Is just a wast of time and years the years that won't come back and pass and if we dont do anything about it is only us the ones that will suffer and get old, we need to love ourselves more.

Why should SHE have to change because he is narrow minded and shallow? I know this is an old post but "Lorris" your post to "GeorgiaPeach27" just absolutely disgusted me. I had to read it twice because I thought the post was from a man. It is women like you who uphold this behavior in men. Love should not be based on physical appearance because if your looks are the reason he is treating someone badly, then it wasn't love to begin with. If a man loves you, then he loves you for you...not your physical appearance. People change..period. One day when you get older, your appearance too will change. How happy and understanding are you going to be when your man leaves you because you are older, or fatter etc...? Are you going to be giving the same advice when it's happening to you?

see. what you dont understand is they have to try to fix things cause they are married. not leave each other. so maybe she must work out just a little since she said so herself she's gone fat. I mean my husband was very frank with me. he is not all physical but he is concerned with my health as well. Both must do their part as wives and husbands. well, if her only part in the ill treatment is perhaps her weight, maybe then she can just try to . spend on carbs a little less. if she got treated better then so be it. if not then they can meet a counselor about their marriage - may it be the man is emotionally abusing etc... my point is - First do your part as a wife if that fails then its time to go.

Are you serious? Why are you staying with someone that doesn't pay anything for you? Is better to be alone don't you think? You have family ssupport take advantage of that lady, get your life together before your dad is gone, go to school, work, get a new man! This one is old and ruined, if you want to stay do the same, show him that you can be better than him.

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I sort of know what you are going through. My husband won't work, and he is mean to me and our 3 kids. If we ask him for help he starts to yell and cuss at us. As soon as the kids get home from school he starts to fuss. And he LOVES to go outside to the camper alone. I have to work part time and go to school full time, take the kids to all sport practices, homework, etc. When I even mention the word job, he gets offensive, starts screaming and cussing and then blames it on me why we are having a difficult time. I love him, but I find myself looking at other men hoping that one would might want and love me. I know if we divorce I will be alone forever because women are tainted once they have children. I have mentioned for him to maybe leave but so much for that. I am lonely just like you.I'm clueless on what to do.

What about men? Men are tainted when they have kids too. It's a matter of finding a man who also has kids and will take you. If the man has no kids, and is FAMILIAR with kids, then he's the Unicorn. Grab him!

The key to a happy marriage is Cheat! You never know what you have at home unless you venture out to the unknown

Can you believe this is still going on? I am still with him. These past two years have been the worst. So much has happened that forces me to remain with him. I literally am stuck. The hate I his eyes when he speaks to me is the worst part. He is so disgusted with me. He is projecting his stress and ****** situation onto me in front of our children. My anxiety just cripples me for that moment when im begging him to stop and he just keeps going with the insults. All while denying it all. He clenches his teeth, hands, and his body gets extremely tense. Sometimes, he'll stomp his legs and foot. One time, he was screaming so close to my face that he was spitting in me. We were in the middle of the street. He was upset because I didn't like a house we looked at to rent (wasnt safe for the kids) and because he was annoyed with looking (he looked at 3 other houses) he got aggrevated, stressed out and started an argument. Things got heated and he told me I was a ***** then said "shut up!" I had enough so I slapped him. Enraged, he got out the car and took off on foot. I followed, got him to slow down. That's when he screamed in my face that he hated me. That was the first time (but not the last since then) that he has said that to me. His face was beet red, he was sweating, so angry. he had his fists and teeth clenched - he looked like a monster. I can honestly tell you that's the only time I've been scared of him. Since then, when he gets mad at me, I get anxiety attacks when he's walking away. Usually in front of the kids. This marriage is starting to affect my mental health. I think I need help.

You need help hun. Go get some.

As your for your husband, he does have to get some help too. i think he needs anger management. But can you trace as to why is he like this? I mean when did it really start? have you been a nagger too? is there anything that could have sparked this hate feeling of his?

my goodness lorris, not only do you question the womans weight, you ask if she's been a nagger! How does any weight gain or nagging reasonably justify verbal & emotional abuse????????

How is she supposed to "trace" what is causing him to act this way? Most abusers just are like that and usually from deep rooted issues from childhood. Nothing can justify being treated this way. Emotional abuse may not leave bruises, but it leaves scars deep in your very soul.

Lorries is young and naive. He turned abusive right after we got married. He never showed his true colors before then probably because he knew I wouldn't stick around. I'm still here with him. Still
Fighting for something, anything. IDK

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Please remember that he has a problem. In my experience these people often have a problem with themselves and it manifests outward into a problem with someone else. Don't let him have the satisfaction of seeing you cry or it upset you. He does this to control you. Just don't react and go into another room. Hugs... Try to work it out, but in the end take care of yourself.

My heart goes out to all you women. I am in the same situation too. People used to ask how can you stay in the marriage. So I put a percentage to it. 30% of the time was bad, of that 10% was hell!! But 70% of the time was ok. So I stayed committed to our marriage and family, 33 years. I was young, pretty and believed in myself and knew I wasn't all the things our husbands accuse us of being. I realized he had a problem (mentally) and I survived over the years by doing things to help me thru the stress of our marriage. It has not been easy. He told me I was a bad mother too. Do your best to protect your children. God knows the truth. Ladies be Strong, be Smart and be very Careful. I'm so sad & sorry, but it doesn't get better or easier with time :(

Should we keep bothering? Is it really worth it?

I have been reading your comments and i feel it all. I have been married for 2 and 1/2 years and latley my husband tells me i am petty and childish, becuz he is 10 years older than me. He tells me all i do is complain and get on his nerves. i bust my *** as a server for a little bit of money but anytime he wants or needs anything i give it to him. But i cant even get 20 dollars to get my toes done. Dont get me wrong he is a good man for the most part, but i thought a husband was supposed to love and cherish his wife not talk down to her and make her feel like ****. that is what i feel like. i moved away from everything i know for this man, stayed by his side while he did time and everything i do is never good enough. we have a 18 month old son together and i dont want my child to grow up without a dad but i think its time to get moving. i did research and found that you should not move out of the house so this make things a lot harder. I love him so much but i jst dont feel the love from him anynmore