Tiny Pieces

We've been married eight months and are expecting our first baby in October this year. He's in the Air Force has a pretty technical job, so he's always under some serious scrutiny and stress. I worry about him constantly and I try to keep things at home in order for him. But, since the pregnancy, I'm always sore, sick, tired, and stressed out myself as I look for work outside the home as well. The job search has resulted in being a temp for an agency that doesn't always come through, so I keep looking just the same. I got pretty sick of being told that my previous college education in landscape design and management was basically worthless, which led to deciding to go back to school for a while to get a degree in something useful.
Remember how I mentioned my husband was under a lot of scrutiny at work? Well it's nearly broken him. It breaks my heart seeing him struggle with the unnecessary criticism and not be able to do anything about it (I'm a civilian and there's not much anyone can do or say concerning superiors). He'll come home absolutely miserable and stay that way for hours. Lately he started going to a psychiatrist for some help with stress management and the like. But he's also started blaming me for a lot of our problems. He'll have a laundry list of all my faults prepared especially for whenever he wants to start the verbal attack: I don't get enough work, Nothing I make at home is worth anything,  I use my pregnancy as an excuse to slack off during the day, I don't care that we're having issues managing our debt, I'm irresponsible and over-dependent, the list goes on and I hear at least some of it every day. I'm left scrambling to defend myself or appease him just to make it stop. I left everyone and everything behind to marry this man, and now, when I need him the most, he's completely abandoned me emotionally. I'm afraid to tell him anything. I can't say anything. I feel so trapped and paranoid and I know that's probably not good for the baby. Where's my psychiatrist? Where's my help? Who do I cry to without fear of censure or complete dismissal? I want to go home, but I have no other home to go to. What am I supposed to do?
Last night, he had the gall to say he didn't want to be here anymore.....he doesn't know the half of it.
I've never felt so small, so broken, or so worthless. Can't he see that there's very little left of me to break?
SweetCanary SweetCanary
22-25, F
1 Response May 14, 2012

No it's not good for the baby or yourself to be so stressed out , and i know i can't be that much help to you but i want to give my opinion. For starters no marriage is as perfect as people think it is ,there will always be problems that will arise but as husband and wife yall will work it out the best ya can with that being said ,let me say that you and i emphasize YOU are not worthless and YOU are a beautiful amazing woman who is trying her best at marriage but her husband is not trying back and also even if your husband is stressed thats no excuse at all to treat you the way he is , i want you to sit your husband down and talk to him actually talk to him about all of what you are feeling because without communication marriages wont last long and get him to understand the stress you are also going through and that you do support him but he needs to support you too because in only a few short months you guys are going to be parents and your baby needs yall so much , try to work it out and if you tried your best and its still not working then its time to go , call a family member to come get you or save money , whatever it is you can do then do it becuz your baby needs his or her mommy to be healthy and happy to give him or her lots of love and attention , im sure you are going to be a amazing mother , : ) hugs and love from a wife & a mommy p.s. Don't be scared to tell him anything , remember the guy that you fell in love with is still there, just buried under stress from his job , having the responsibilities of a husband and a soon to be daddy , but still no excuse to treat you this way , just talk to him k you will be suprised on how things will turn out with a nice long talk and remember to try your best and if things dont work out ,you kno what to do , i hope i have helped you in some way , i wish you happiness and lots of love to come your way .