My whole life I grew up with a verbally abusive mother and siblings. I met my husband when we were 20 and by then I had almost no self worth. He slowly helped build up my confidence and made me feel like I was more than a "stupid failure," and a "selfish B****" We have been married nearly four years now and have a three-year-old daughter together. In the second year of marriage is when it started from him. I stayed home with our daughter while he worked, and he constantly reminded me how I am dragging him down and causing him financial problems because I wasn't able to get a job. He has also told me how I ruined his life by not terminating my pregnancy and that he didn't choose to be a father, but I forced him. He has constantly told me how he resents my daughter and myself. He has also said that he sees other beautiful women out in public and will fantasize about being with them, and what if he could have a better life with them. He's told me how I'm a bad mother and how I shelter our daughter and am ruining her. He also has told me several times how I am not an equal and when I start to have an income then I can have a say when it comes to finances. Well I've been working for about six months now with an ok income, yet not as much as his. He is currently deployed so I've been having a hard time getting used to the transition of working full time and taking care of a toddler while he is gone. While he is deployed he gives me a small "allowance" of $300 a month to pay for groceries and gas, and I have to pay for the whole daycare bill out of my paycheck, and with the little money I have left goes to our other bills. (about $200 left) I don't have enough money for food for both my daughter and myself every day of the month. I make meals and feed her first, then I'll eat what ever is left, if any. So because my paycheck isn't as big as his, he told me I needed to ship my daughter across country to his mother's house during the deployment so that he can stop giving me my "allowance" and the money I pay to daycare can go toward paying off credit card debt of his. He says I am still not an equal because I don't have a big enough income. Now he is sending me emails with quotes about how awful marriage is. Not too sure what to think about those. He is controlling and I am noticing more and more similar verbally abusive patterns that I went through with my mother. I wish I could leave but I am financially trapped. I don't make nearly enough to support my daughter and myself on our own, so I am still with him because I want to keep a roof over her head and food in front of her, but I am so miserable. I think about how I've really screwed up my life up to this point and the only good thing I've done is have my daughter. Being with him I feel like nothing and everyday I imagine ways my life could be taken just so I don't have to be controlled by him anymore. The most common one is wishing a car would crash into me on my way to work after I have dropped my daughter off at daycare. But then I feel awful because if my dream were to come true then I'd be leaving my daughter here with her horrible father to only repeat the cycle I went through. I want to teach her she is better than that, but how can I when I set the example and am so unhappy to the extreme.
BriD09 BriD09
3 Responses Aug 17, 2012

He make you believe that is your fault so that you can be depress and so much stress. I have that similar problem being trap I went to the psychotherapy the advice she gave me don't believe that is your fault so, I tried not believing it and it work my husband frustrated cause my power is back. Even my husband hate me cannot bring me down I know I have the power.

Dear BriDog, I am having the same problems at my home, now he is starting on the oldest daughter (17), she hates him and so does the youngest (15) as she is scared of his behaviour. I hate how my life is, and I hate how I cant seem to be strong enough with myself to leave. No one knows about my life at home, as they think he is a top bloke. (Makes me sick when people tell me how great and lucky I am) All I have ever wanted is to have one day without abuse and be happy, I really have to run with my girls, I dont want this anymore. Love,

I feel so sorry for the situation your in. If there is any way what so ever that you can remove yourself from this situation then please do it. If you have any family / friends / associations that you could turn to then approach them for help. Is there any kind of women's aid that you could get? If you stay like this you may end up loosing your daughter into the arms of your husbands family. You are obviously very aware to not let yourself become a victim - and this is why I sincerly hope you and daughter can get aware from this very negative man. As hard as it may sound and from what you have written it doesn't sound like he is taking any form of responsibility that he should and is constantly shifting it on to you / his mother. So, does your daught really need someone like that in her life? What she needs is loving and stable people around her and you alone can give her that. I hope you get out of there so the two of you can live a happy life - as you deserve.