TrappedMy whole life I grew up with a verbally abusive mother and siblings. I met my husband when we were 20 and by then I had almost no self worth. He slowly helped build up my confidence and made me feel like I was more than a "stupid failure," and a "selfish B****" We have been married nearly four years now and have a three-year-old daughter together. In the second year of marriage is when it started from him. I stayed home with our daughter while he worked, and he constantly reminded me how I am dragging him down and causing him financial problems because I wasn't able to get a job. He has also told me how I ruined his life by not terminating my pregnancy and that he didn't choose to be a father, but I forced him. He has constantly told me how he resents my daughter and myself. He has also said that he sees other beautiful women out in public and will fantasize about being with them, and what if he could have a better life with them. He's told me how I'm a bad mother and how I shelter our daughter and am ruining her. He also has told me several times how I am not an equal and when I start to have an income then I can have a say when it comes to finances. Well I've been working for about six months now with an ok income, yet not as much as his. He is currently deployed so I've been having a hard time getting used to the transition of working full time and taking care of a toddler while he is gone. While he is deployed he gives me a small "allowance" of $300 a month to pay for groceries and gas, and I have to pay for the whole daycare bill out of my paycheck, and with the little money I have left goes to our other bills. (about $200 left) I don't have enough money for food for both my daughter and myself every day of the month. I make meals and feed her first, then I'll eat what ever is left, if any. So because my paycheck isn't as big as his, he told me I needed to ship my daughter across country to his mother's house during the deployment so that he can stop giving me my "allowance" and the money I pay to daycare can go toward paying off credit card debt of his. He says I am still not an equal because I don't have a big enough income. Now he is sending me emails with quotes about how awful marriage is. Not too sure what to think about those. He is controlling and I am noticing more and more similar verbally abusive patterns that I went through with my mother. I wish I could leave but I am financially trapped. I don't make nearly enough to support my daughter and myself on our own, so I am still with him because I want to keep a roof over her head and food in front of her, but I am so miserable. I think about how I've really screwed up my life up to this point and the only good thing I've done is have my daughter. Being with him I feel like nothing and everyday I imagine ways my life could be taken just so I don't have to be controlled by him anymore. The most common one is wishing a car would crash into me on my way to work after I have dropped my daughter off at daycare. But then I feel awful because if my dream were to come true then I'd be leaving my daughter here with her horrible father to only repeat the cycle I went through. I want to teach her she is better than that, but how can I when I set the example and am so unhappy to the extreme.
BriD09 22-25 3 Responses 0 Aug 17, 2012