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Hostile Angry Husband

I will try to make a long story short.....

in 1998 my first husband, whom I had divorced for drinking and cheating, died in a car accident. We had 1 daughter, then in Dec of 1999 The man who I was married to at the time died in a car accident as well, He was not kind and loving towards me and we had 1 daughter who was 3 months old when he died.

He happened to be a police officer and thats how I met my new husband. The newest husband , was the police officer who did all of the paper work for the city when my husband got killed. We became fast friends and began dating a year after my former husband died. We married 8 months later. I guess it was too soon, We were both infatuated w each other. But soon after things began to change.

I had told him I would quit smoking after we married, but I did not. He uses this against me every day of my life. He constantly puts me down, always makes faces or noises when I get near him, because I might smell like smoke. and that is just the beginning. He likes to try and control what I do. He is constantly shaking his head at me, over simple things, if the phone rings, if I get on the computer, if my family comes over, if I dont drive to his liking, when my oldest daughter walks  in the house, when i pick a slot machine he doesnt like at the casino, when I turn on the bathroom light at 5 am to get ready for work, if i watch a tv show he doesnt like,if my shirt is too low cut, if I want to go to my moms. The list goes on and on. He is just not happy with anyone.. He talks bad about everyone, his friends, the people at his church, my family (not his family) my friends, including people he doesnt even know

I cant do anything right in his eyes. He gets mad if I get on the computer, yet at the same exact time he is on the other computer playing games.. There is such a double standard. After I graduated from school and became a nurse I got a new convertible, which he put in his name and he brought the papers up to work for me to sign. So why might he hate my car too, He even spit on it one time. any question I ask him comes with a one word, or arrogant answer, Every day!!!!! I dont think he has even acknowledged my birthday for the last 3 years, even though he should at least get something to give me from my daughter, I dont care what it is!But he never does.. I used to feel hurt all the time but now its just indifferent. I never want to have sex because I know he does not like me and I no longer like him. I dont even care if he finds himself a girlfriend. I finally told him, that our sex life would be better if he just stopped saying nasty things when I smell like smoke. He acted really nice for a few days, then he acted like I was bugging him for sex, I cant win for losing.. He was the one that always wanted it but I would never give in. I no longer go to church with him.

I just want to live a peaceful life. Why talk bad about every one constantly??? He would never ever hit me, he is just mean mean mean with his mouth and actions. Thank goodness there is an upstairs and he can go up there and stay alot.

He talks the same way about his exwife, she stopped going to the same church with him as well. That should have told me something., I guess i was just lonely and scared and he came along on his best behavior. I am not an angel, I cuss, I smoke, I take sleeping pills so I can go to sleep at night so I dont have to put up w him and Im not the best housekeeper in the world, and I talk on the phone alot, wow!!!  thats so bad... So I am  not perfect, But Damn!!! you would think he would be happy to have someone that would love him if if he loved me, , someone who has a good job, someone who doesnt run around with other men, I dont go out and drink and party with friends and he knows I will take good care of him if he gets sick before me. He is 16 years older and has had 1 heart attack and surgery. I think thats what keeps him here, that and my daughter who is 10, and the fact that my house is paid for. I just dont know, I am tired and sometimes I think It might be ok if I died. But my daughter needs me and I love taking care of patients and my friends at work....What an ***!!!!

 

pheonix10 pheonix10 41-45, F 19 Responses Nov 2, 2009

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I truly understand what you are going through. My husband and i have been together for 9yrs and married for 4yrs. He use to treat me with alot of respect. But for the past 3yrs he really treats me like i'm nothing to him. I work, i clean, wash clothes, cook and take care of our 6 kids every day. But i still get called names and he just doesnt knoe how much he hurts me every day. sometimes i dont even feel like waking up in the morning. I would really love it if anyone has an advise for me cause i feel like just giving up already but i have to think of my kids first.

What a ***** ! Think His attitude to you is ....If I'm miserable, I'm going to make you miserable too !!!!! Any way I can ..Hope you are doing o.k.

I know how it hurts and what your feeling, been there many, many times. I believe that each hurtful respons and each time our husbands tear us down, only make us stronger, and more able to teach our children what love is. Keep your head up, and dont ever ever give up, even in the worst of times, remembering this trial will only better you for the next trial in life, even if its not in your marriage.

I don't trust him and don't leave your little girls alone with him! I know it's easy to say but you need to kick him out say bye bye! You need to start saying yes to good things! And saying no to bad. I think you need to go get therapy cause you seem to pick men that are not healthy. Maybe some where deep inside you don't think your good enough for good? Maybe you rush into things to fast so you don't have to feel the pain of being lonely. I don't know what it is but you need to find out so you can get out of this bad cycle of men in your life. Good luck and please let us know how it's going.

I'm writing that at 2 am . I can't sleep be couse my husband got another angry burst .... He hit me called me all kind of names infront of my twin daughters and my 65 years old mom that is visiting us from overseas . tonight only I kicked him out of the house and asked for my freedom . My kids r 2 yrs old . I have no job . And he took all my money but I know I'm going to save my daughters tons of pain and hurt and they will understand why I did that later

KICK HIM OUT. Those accidents should have taught you that life's too short. I don't care what you look like, or what annoying things you do, NOBODY with a heart as kind as yours deserves to live like this. Don't let money and fear hold you back in life, live a peaceful healthy life with your daughters! Be the best mother you can be. You will find the right person, because this is a failed marriage and you are certainly not with the right person. He knows that and he's unhappy and grows resentment toward you for it. I wish you the best of happiness in life.

I can identify with this so much it hurts...It feels a little relief to know I am not the only wife suffering with an uncaring husband. I really want to stay because I love him but it is truly killing me. I have never felt as stressed, as hurt, as meaningless to the world as I feel now. I am going to pray for a little while longer and if this man just doesnt want to be different then I will leave. Its sad but this is nothing like I dreamed it would be. It is more like a nightmare...I even find myself saying at least he doesnt beat me...well try cuz there is no way I would stay a second after. But I rationalize all the time...ahh...I hope you all feel better. Im truly sorry you feel that way.

I see your post is two years old. What is your current status? My situation is similar, after 23 years it is seemingly worsening. Yes, 23 years. Would of, could of, should of.....

I am kind of in the same situation. Relationship wise. I have been with my husband for 4 years married for 2 of them and everytime I talk to him it turns into a fight. I can comment on something that happened around town and he will fight with me about that, I cant control what goes on around town. Just the stupidest stuff turns into a fight :( We have a 15 month old and I have done everything for my baby. He has not helped with her at all and tells me I do nothing. He has never woken up with her, never made her a bottle, never helped with her laundry, has changed her maybe 50 times and that number is only that high because he recently started watching every other Friday because he is off and why should I pay a sitter. Oh by the way he has never chipped in for the sitter either :( He also tells me to move out everytime we fight. If I had the funds to go I would believe me. I pretty much just live with him and take it day by day. one day he is good and the next he hates me. Oh well until I will the lottery there is not much I can do. <br />
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I hope if you can get out you do!! I will as soon as I am able too!

I am kind of in the same situation. Relationship wise. I have been with my husband for 4 years married for 2 of them and everytime I talk to him it turns into a fight. I can comment on something that happened around town and he will fight with me about that, I cant control what goes on around town. Just the stupidest stuff turns into a fight :( We have a 15 month old and I have done everything for my baby. He has not helped with her at all and tells me I do nothing. He has never woken up with her, never made her a bottle, never helped with her laundry, has changed her maybe 50 times and that number is only that high because he recently started watching every other Friday because he is off and why should I pay a sitter. Oh by the way he has never chipped in for the sitter either :( He also tells me to move out everytime we fight. If I had the funds to go I would believe me. I pretty much just live with him and take it day by day. one day he is good and the next he hates me. Oh well until I will the lottery there is not much I can do. <br />
<br />
I hope if you can get out you do!! I will as soon as I am able too!

You are all in very abusive relationships....nobody deserves to be treated that way. Sounds like counselling would be beneficial for wives and spouses. Sounds as if their is co-dependency in the relationship. Most people are unaware of what that is, I suggest you read as much as you can about it. Understanding yourself and your own thoughts is vital! Also, observe your behavior and verbage as if you were someone else throughout the day with family, co-workers etc. You might be enlightened and see what you can change to improve yourself and self esteem. It is difficult, however verbal abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. Leaving may be the best option. Dealing with a toxic personality is extremely destructive to your psyche and physical health!

I just happened upon your story, and my heart goes out to you. When you are well-off, and everyone thinks you have a model family and a wonderful husband, how do you deal with that? If he is well thought of in the community, no one would believe it, right? But I know what it is like to be insulted because he can get away with it; and really you are being superwoman. I am praying for you and for me and for women like us who are feeling all alone because we are giving Oscar winning performances a lot of the time. And stuck like chuck.

I am a mother of 3 live In a very affluent area ( with our house almost in foreclosure) my kids go to the best private school, I am PtA VP... I have a tin of friends every week it's a new party I have an amazing family, I have had, as per HIS request, 3 boob jobs, lipo alllllllll over, a tummy tuck, ran 2 marathons ( I hate running) run and win county cimmisioner in the city that he works In, yet every every every day for 18 yrs I hear what a piece of **** I am. Tonite it was that I didn't chop the onion small enough and I talk too much to his sister ( who he asked me to get closer too). Nothing nothing I do is right ever I am soooooo used to it. I am thankful I have 3 boys and not a girl bc what a horrific example u would be. I was also told this week that he could bot wait to trade me in for a new younger model I am 35.... <br />
The best part is no one knows. This is my fault e hits me once a month, hates on me daily, and I am the best actress. No one knows I shelter it from the kids bc I don't want them to learn that I am so happy at school and church. I talk well of our horrible marriage to my friends. And I smile oh do I smile alllllllll the time... He laughs and tells me GOD has an Oscar for me and that if I ever screw up I'd look like a fool... So tonite was another insultfest. Which he foes in and I just don't answer back not to get him mad enough to hit ... And here I am thinking ab the campaign family shots I have to take and the end of yr party I have to plan and all this with 179 stiches from the tummy tuck 10 days ago...Ha! We come out as a power couple in society pages everyweek and he tells me how embarrassing the shot of you! Like he was perfect... I am stuck like chuck. <br />
Thoughts?

Another controller. In my experience you can't change them. I grew up living in a house with one. He never changed but I vowed never to be that way. Good luck.

He sounds like he needs some help. You on the otherhand, might want to leave him, since you don't have kids with him and you have a pretty good job that will support you and your kids.

It isn't you. It's him. You just have to decide what to do about it.<br />
<br />
I want someone to love me for the good person I know I am.<br />
My man will never do it the way I need him to. He is passive<br />
aggressive.

Ouch. I know. I am hated too. I am trying hard, I really am, but I just make it worse I think. He used to take all his work anger out on me and our kids, so I tried to make up for it by being super nice, but now I think I am short with the kids and mean to them because I am mad at him and so beaten down. Thats not right. Its not their fault. I hear what you are saying about not being perfect. I am so so far from perfect, but the basics are there. Here is the kicker, other people seem to think I am doing a good job. It really is just me I think. When I think about him, I feel bad sometimes. He really deserved to be married to someone he liked. I believe in my heart that if he was married to a wife he didn't hate, he would be a fabulous husband. All my friends comment about how nice he is, and he really is. It SUCKS when you realize its just you. huh? He used to like me, I think. My heart just absolutely aches. I wonder what it feels like to have someone like you.

Dear friend ,I read ur story today .I really feel bad for u.I cann,t do anything except prayering for u in my Saluts.I m muslim.live in kuwait. U r a very brave woman.ur daughter needs u very much.u should take care of her v much.u should try to keep away ur daughter from ur husband.its better u take some desicion.I u should b seperate from ur husband.Its better for u and ur daughter.Don.t u worry,INshAllah Allaha will help u .,ll takeout u from ur problems.with best wishes for u dear friend.bye take care too much

i hate that fukin guy