Very Sad And Confused

Over the course of our 16 year marriage I have found magazines internet history and videos of gay ****.  When I have confronted him with this he gets very despondent and cries telling me how much he loves me and that he is sorry for effing my life up!  He tells me that he doesnt want to lose me and begs me not to throw him out.  I have told him that he should move on with his life and that its ok if he is gay and he gets even more upset and says he is not and that he is angry about the feelings he has that drive him to search for these things!  He has said it is a dark evil part of him and that he fights it but sometimes it gets beyond his control.  He has also sworn that he has been faithful but can I believe it?  Final straw was when I found him ************ to a video of men.  I snapped and screamed and yelled I don't know what to do!??!?!  I have also seen proof on our pay per view bill of him ordering straight ****!?!?!  I don't know does he do it to throw me off!!!  He is very homophobic but I don't know if that neccesarily means anything?  My brother is very homophobic and he is straight as an arrow.  We also have a great sex life sometimes 5 to 6 times per week or more!  We share a LOT together and I am not very willing to give up on it!  We have good times and he has been there for me through a lot the death of my parents some health issues and most importantly we have three kids!!  Two boys and a girl ranging in age from 14 to 3!  He has said he feels like we would be better off if he were dead! :(  I told him that would be the absolute worse thing for us and said to think about what that would do to the kids emotionally if he were to do something like that.
banshee1972 banshee1972
36-40, F
25 Responses Jul 18, 2010

I have recently and I mean recently got into a similar situation as you. We have only been together for 5 years and we share a 4 year old together. It wasn't until I recently discovered gay **** bookmarked in his cell and just recently emails back and forth from a man he responded to on craigslist. I was so disgusted and embarrassed and angry with him. I confronted him with the proof and yet he tried to say all the right things. I ultimately decided to let him go. This was one situation I couldn't find myself overcoming and fighting for. I felt like 5 years was all a waste and a lie. I felt like I didn't even know this person at all. I chose to let him go because I couldn't bare the thoughts come over my head while we were together. because I knew if he stayed those thoughts would circulate in my head constantly. It wasn't fair to me or my son.

Hello everyone. I'm passing the same situation and my husband said that he only want to have anal sex since he asked me and I regreat he look out there for that and he said that he never will give or let anybody touch his *** but he just want to try since he so a lot of satisfaction in ****. Now he is really sorry and he gave me all his password and he told me to restrict his phone and computer. He cry and beg me so much. He said he loves me. And we are going to church and he said he wants to be close to God and be clean of all this **** that make him crazy and dirty.
But I don't know if believe in him... He never spent money with ask me, he been good furring this 7 years. So I would like to know if it's worth it to forget him and give him oportunitte to change. We have a baby. Please help!

He is who he is. I am married to a incredible woman who was hurt by me being bi but after some time and understanding she is ok with. She knows I love her and that is all ghat matters. He can still love you and be attracted to you but that wont change the fact that he isnt straight. So what if he is bi does it really matter???

Ok ladies you need to stop putting labels on everything. There are many levels to sexuality not just Gay or Straight. I am a a married bi guy with triplets. I am attracted to both sexually but emotionally attached to women.. Its unclear how many men out there are actually bi because it requires people to be upfront and honest. Lets just say guys arent the best in this area so there is no actual statistic but there are some studies that actually say that 40 percent of all men have some level of bisexuality in them. Now some can go there entire lives without saying a word or acting on it. Some just have fantasies about it and keep it to themselves (through **** or other outlets). And there are some that cant do it and it bubbles up and cant deny themselves. This does not make them gay. I love my wife and my family but I love her and that is all I need but that doesn't mean I don't have fantasies about 3somes or just a guy. You would never even know that I am even this way. Normal athletic 35 year old guy in suburban south. I think the difference is since my wife has found out, I have been totally open with her. Yes we have our struggles especially being parents to triplets but as long as your open and honest you can make it and have an awesome relationship... Its very hard for guy to come clean with a woman out of fear of rejection and hurt. We want to feel normal but we are not and its harder to be a bi male than a gay guy. And its a double standard because it is cool and ok for girls to be bi ((like anna paquin) or whatever her name is). Wish more women could be more understanding. My wife knows I love her and that I am emotionally connected to her and she is all that I need but that doesn't mean that I am straight even though I have a straight relationship with her. Guess I am lucky to have someone that understands, cause most women wouldn't...
Also like I said above you cant call yourself gay if you are turned on by women. I would say the majority of so called gay men and women out there are actually bi but lean toward the same sex but can still get turned on by the opposite sex. But for the sake of labels it is easier just to call yourself gay. Sexuality is not that easy and can be very fluid through a persons life. I also think technology plays a huge part because a lot of guys felt alone and because of religous and social norms hid there thoughts and actions. Now they find they can connect to guys like them and express there thoughts and sexuality where as before we couldn't. It took me a long time to understand myself and come clean with it to my wife and stop lying to her and to myself. I prefer women any day of the week but I can be attracted to a man but like I said above that doesn't give me the right to cheat on my wife. We have talked about doing a MMF 3some and it is awesome she might be willing to try that out but I would never actually act on that without her ok first...

Is your hubby assertive in the sex (with you) or passive/submissive?

actually if he has sex with you 5-6 times per week.. i'd say he is most likely NOT GAY.... maybe bi.. well... thing is to understand his fascination.. not condemn it... you might wanna talk to him nicely why it is he feels this fascination for gay **** and stuff like that.... understand how he views stuff...

it's extremely tough to deal with what you are sometimes. I recently came out to my family and I'm 37 years old it took that long it is just really tough you tried to fight it but it's always come back. so you can e e tually come to terms with who and what you are you might start to get comfortable with it and yes suicide is 1 of those thoughts that you get but you have to get past that and you being supportive with you should go a long way just let him know that you love him.

Men who are gay and in a straight relationship are always gay. They are mad at homosexuals who are free and living the life the married wants. I honestly believe a lot of men are curious. As I am doing research you are def not alone You deserve to be happy I suggest doing what makes you feel better. Maybe finding a relationship where you are worshiped and treated the way you deserve to be treated! I wish you luck. Prayers

Dude we are real and we out number the gay population. I am happly married guy and love my wife but I like guys too. Just sexually attracted to guys but I cant fall in love or connect with a guy the way I can a woman. See and this is what I am talking about even though we are the majority we are silent because we are rejected by both the gay and straight communities. The funny part is half the men that call themselves gay are actually bi. They may prefer men to women and live a gay lifestyle but they arent 100% gay. If you can get turned on and preform sex act with a person of the opposite sex you are not gay, sorry. Now it is easier to call yourself gay for labels sake as well but u are really in the middle with a preference. So stop the hating man seriously. Sexuality isnt black and white and we do exists and we out number you. It is also believed that 40 to 50% of all men have some level of bisexuality to them at some level or another. It all depends on what level and how strong they choose or choose not to act on it.

Now homosexual or 100% gay men would rather have hang themselves then sleep with the opposite sex.

Love putting gay guys in their places and stop the hating on bi's I am real and I do exist.

It's not all black and white. So he has an interest in men.. So what? It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Can you honestly say you've never even thought about being with a woman? I suggest you stop being so harsh with him, and stop making him feel so disgusting for having a fantasy. Gay sex has been around since the beginning of time. Honesty is a huge thing in a relationship, and I understand why you feel hurt, anyone would.. but really, can you blame him for hiding it..? As long as you come to an agreement on what you're comfortable with him doing (viewing ****, for example) then there shouldn't be any reason you can't work on this.

Wish their were more of you around and thank you for understanding that. Educating people and supporting people is what we should be about on here. Not judging or telling woman and men to leave their spouses when they are looking for help in a fragile moment.

Hello ladies, I am a closeted gay man who has just recently done some self acceptance. I am just beginning my process but learning a lot. I am so sad to hear your stories and before a few months ago, was considering trying to hide my true self and walk a similar path to keep up appearances. Thank you for sharing, I could never put a person through this. If you would like to know if your husband is gay, download an app called grindr, its an app that shows other gays in your area and allows them to chat and share pictures. Obviously you cannot put up a real picture, but I believe if your objective has good intent, a fake one wouldn't hurt for a temporary time. Put an attractive picture up and he will come to you. I have no respect for liars and know that people can not be strung along, but think twice before you act, and know the consequences. If you really want to know, this might be the way.

Can I ask you something. Have you had sex or can you be physically attracted to a woman at all. If so you are not gay you are bi with a preference to guys or men. Yes you are right but just because he is looking at gay **** or has grindr or anyother app doesnt make him gay. What is it people and labels. Bi population actually out numbers they gay population almost 5x over. You can be sexually attracted to both. That can exist and it does exist more so than truly 100% homosexuality.

Look. Fantasizing about gay sex or **** is a still a far cry from actually preferring men to women. It could be that he's just bored with the regular sex. Consider exploring whatever that'll enhance your sex life. Toys? He may be addicted to **** however.



TOBY21...I wish I had the same attitude as you. You are awesome.

I found out that my husband has been having sex with men on craig's list. Our marriage was going through a bad time and he suggested we get counseling. We started counseling in Feb. and I found out his gay secret in April. At counseling he was quiet, kept blaming me, e.g., I didn't cook enough, didn't clean enough, etc., no matter what i tried, it wasn't enough! This wasn't my husband, he was very quiet and distant, until I caught him! Boy did the tables turn.....I'm still with him, he swears he's not gay! It's not easy, I don't trust him and I don't love him, not in the least! I'm staying until our youngest turns 18, which will be 7 more years. He makes a lot of money and I get to spend it all. I refuse to change my lifestyle for the sake of the kids, we're as happy as can be spending all the money he earns...**** him, he deserves this! When our youngest turns 18, I'll take him to the cleaners...Until then, LIFE IS GOOD!!

How are things right now?

Your husband is confused and promiscuous, thats a fact. You need to tell him to see a councillor and personally I would not have intercourse with him until he sorts out what he wants to do. If he IS meeting up and having dangerous promiscuous sex with strangers, he may bring home a nasty suprise should you continue to have intercourse.<br />
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I'm sorry but if my husband had been looking online at places to go meet men for sex in our local area he would be out of that door faster than you could imagine!<br />
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You will end up sticking around while he tells you he;s not having a fling or affair and before you know it in 6 months, a year, 18 months time is that he has found a guy and is leaving you. Don't let this happen to you or your children, you need to protect them and yourself from this.<br />
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Gay images and videos are one thing, I believe people use all sorts of kinky material to get their rocks off but when they are having live webcam 'shows' with other people and looking at places to meet then that is certainly crossing the line. <br />
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I really hope you are able to work on this and get the outcome you deserve and that makes you happy long term x

He may not be gay but bisexual. Many men are as are women. That is just his sexuality. So he looks at gay **** so what? bring it out into the open and let him see it with you. You can look at it for the beauty of the male body. And to learn about male sexuality. Study art and see it as art.

May I ask , how do you think any person reacts when being Confronted ? Was confronting him the best way you had ? Get in his face and demand what the hell ? Sounds like he is at least bi and struggling with it, as he denies it, but then very few admit the truth when " Confronted." Yeah another one hung up on "The Bible" As to snooping on him as suggested, boy that ought to make him love ya lots huh ? IF you can do it with out "Confronting him " you do need to be honest and talk it out soon. You need to most likely give your ok and see if it just a fantasy for him, or if it is a real desire. You need to TALK to him or drop it and continue as you are, those are the choices as I see it.<br />
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Imagine, like posted here, loved for 23 years ? And **** canned him for an addiction as bad as alcohol. The you go to other stories and they are living happily together no matter what each other does. Go figure. Every body wants to be a victim now days, don t they.

You are in a very tough situation. You love him yet his battling his own sexuality or possibly experiencing upon it already. it's a crappy place to be. I know and I've been there. <br />
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I was married for 23 years and I filed for a divorce with a man I loved. I feel like there was a death in my life and I can't get over it. I feel guilty too because 8 years ago I had an affair. This affair was a result of the needs that I was not getting at home.. I wanted someone to make love to me and hold me. I wanted affection and attention. Then 2 years ago I discovered the gay **** and it was like a domino affect. everything made sense. it's no wonder we hadn't had intercourse in over 15 years. At least when he tried, it never worked. It's no wonder why when I screamed and yelled and said I was going to leave him that he didn't cry or beg for me back. I was devastated and at times I am still so sad, hurt. and confused too. Hurt that I lost someone I loved and hurt that the love I had was not what I thought. Guilty for my affair and guilty that I broke my family up after 23 years of marriage. My life has turned upside down sense. My older kids moved away to get away from their own pain of Mom and Dad being apart. At times I want to run to him and wish this would all be over as we battle out the last few months of this ugly divorce. Yet, he had an agenda to find another woman (stay in the closet) and another wealthy woman which I use to be. All my money is gone and I poured it into this marriage, his education and our family. I didn't work for over 20 years and now, he just lost his job and I am close to being homeless. He on the other hand, is living like I said with a very wealthy woman and the severance money he got (over $50,000) he claims he has nothing. This morning I woke up in tears still fighting for something that was never real. I think every situation is unique. We for example didn't have intercourse but he found other ways to please me...I just thought this was all normal because of his heart medication and health issues, etc...Never did I see he was attractive to men until the discovery of the ****, late evenings, travels and admission that would people think...then he denied that later....but how i dreamed and fantasized in my marriage and after 15 years took the energy to find that sexual gratification and guilt everyday for it. <br />
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Today, I feel lost and sad. The guy I thought I had...I really thought he loved me. I loved him but did he really love me? I want to believe so but his actions were so tears or fight for me. <br />
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The idea that your man seems to love you says a lot and yet, I know it's hard for you. What is the truth? Do you really want to know? There are ways to find out what he is realling doing on his computer, away from home, etc.. Yet there is a risk....the truth? If you need to find out regardless, then email me and I will share with you some tools that will help you find out what he is doing and going, etc...hang in there..I like to know how you're doing. This is the hardest road I've ever known too.

I am in a similar situation. 33 years married (confused but still married) with 2 sons. I need your help to find the truth as he has promised to stop this, but to be able to trust i need to check his computer, adn I am hopeless with computers. Can you please share with me some tools to help me find our what he is doing and going?

He has gay tendencies for sure, but he is conflicted about them. If he is trolling for gay sex in your area you must be concerned about the health issues. For that reason it might be better if you picked a known clean male co-worker or neighbor or friend and let them have their fun together and see if he can limit his activity to this one relatively safe partner. If you get into the game too, you can make sure they have all their sex at your home and keep control that way. Good luck to all three of you.

I am married and too have gay tendancies and I can not control it, believe me I have had conflicted feelings for years and have tried and tried to surpress them, THEY CAN NOT BE. An arrangement like this would be GREAT for me.

He is dealing with some serious issues and I am actually afraid where this is going for you. He may not have acted out yet but its only a matter of time. Maybe suggest some counseling so that you can get some insight. Good luck and i hope everything works out.

If you decide to stay, and you have any doubt at all that he is participating in gay encounters, you just have to stop having sex with him, or always use condoms. He will probably say anything at this point, but the fact is, he probably can't stop, even if he wants to with everything he is. Just be careful, you can love him to death, but it isn't going to change him, and you need to think about what you are possibly being exposed to.

Thank you for your response Marji. :)

Thank you for your response Marji. :)

Believe me I don't want to throw it away he was the person I planned on growing old with and I do love him dearly. I am just afraid that he is going to do something he will regret I have also recently found a search on his smart phone for "places gay men have sex in our area" That to me is crossing a line. :( He said that he didnt do anything and that he never would but he doesnt know why he did that search. I just don't want to be a year from now and him telling me he doesnt know why he cheated! :( I am so heartsick right now and I don't know what to do to make our situation better.