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How Do I Know For Sure?

I have been married for 28 years. I have long suspected my husband is gay. Recently, within the last couple of years, I have been wrestling with this and trying to figure out 1) How do I know for sure, 2) He would never, ever tell me if he was and 3) What should I do?

He has admitted to gay experiences. He has a **** addiction, but I've never caught him with gay ****. When I have recently confronted him about this he simply stares at me and doesn't say a word. He doesn't get upset, he doesn't get sad, nothing.

I don't want to believe something that isn't true, but everything in my gut tells me he is. I'm in a marriage that is not fulfilling intimately or emotionally.

How do I know I'm not running anyway with my thoughts and fears? How do I know for sure? I love him so much. I don't want to get a divorce, but I can't seem to find any resolution. If I could know for sure, it would give me the boldness to move on with my life.

I find myself wondering if I'm crazy. He has so many wonderful attributes. But, I am so lonely and desire an intimate relationship with him. Is it that he has never had the know how on how to be intimately attached to someone? I can say that I've always felt as though we were separated emotionally.

So confused!
NeedInsight NeedInsight 46-50 10 Responses Feb 25, 2013

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I feel like this is a page out of my book. He looks at adds from men looking for men and I have actually had the proof of his secret habbit more than once. But when I confront him he swares all he does is look & he doesn't know why, then sa. res he's done with it, but I know in my heart its a lie. I love him so much that I am driving myself insaine trying to to find concrete evedence because it might be the thing I need to let me let him go even with everything I know I still find myself questioning if its all in my head or is he just really good at living a double life.

At the very least, you are with a man with a **** addiction. If you're happy with the life you're living, continue being with him. If not --whether or not he's gay-- move on so you can find someone more to your liking.

As I read this I can see my life for the past 26 years. In addition our oldest son is gay. When he told us this at sixteen I was not surprised or upset. I felt sad because his life was not going to be easy. My husbands reaction later did surprise me. He was hysterical and cried for about an hour. We are a devout Catholic family where there is no divorce. He was told me after a fight that I was an obligation. I also have not found things on his phone or websites. I have had a gut feeling for a very long time. Sex is mechanical, no foreplay, and no cuddling after. When I have asked he of course gets defensive and stares at me from across the room. There has never been intimacy and he has always been emotionally distant. I believe it is easier for him to blame me than to accept who he is. He wants to hold on to his family as I do but we in our own way have suffered much over 26 years. There is no peace between us only periods of calm until the next fight. We have five children 3 girls two boys. He is not close to his gay son at all. He often is negative about him and I have to come to his defense. 3 of our children are out of the home. I am so lonely and can't imagine my remaining years alone with him.

I have been married for 23 years and my husband hasn't kissed me first least the last 6 years other than a goodbye peck on the forehead when he leaves in the morning. We also are a Catholic family and my husband always says he won't do anything to upset his mother who has depression. We are very unhappy together and I even started going to a counselor because my husband is being so mean towards me in an attempt to get me to leave, because then it saves him from Catholic guilt because it's my fault. He never touches me in any casual way, like holding hands or giving me a hug. That NEVER happens. Sex is silent, no kissing, just groping and he always keeps his eyes completely closed. It always seems that gay men want to talk to my husband and we were in an airport yesterday and I noticed this single man on the tram just staring at my husband. He is tall, thin and neat, in his early 50s. (Just like Seinfeld says) Our son is in college and never seems to have a girlfriend or talk about girls..I am concerned what's going on there as well. I am so lonely and sad. He started the groping thing last night and I stopped him and asked why we never kiss. He blamed it on me and groping session over. What are you going to do?? I am 49 yrs old and can't imagine another 30 or 40
years of this life.

You can choose to divorce him. His mother's depression isn't your problem. If she has a depression problem, she needs to deal with it herself through therapy, meds, etc. Your husband is playing on your guilt....

PFLAG -- parents, friends, family of lesbians and gays -- is the organization to check out, including reading their information, if you're concerned about your son. I have sons. One is gay. I love both sons, and their sexual orientation is not a concern to me. As long as they are loving, kind, ethical human beings, I am happy.

It's great that you're seeing an individual counselor to help you figure out the path that would make you happy. individual counseling helped me get the confidence to leave.

Also, the person who files usually is the person who comes out best -- in terms of the divorce settlement -- in the divorce. I wasn't vindictive to my husband even though it ended up he was having a secret affair. The settlement was fair to both of us. From what I learned during the divorce process, it appears that if I hadn't filed, my husband's plan was to retire and move abroad to where his mistress was. He was going to take all of his retirement and leave me with a house with a big mortgage and a car that thousands were owed on.

If I had stayed while hoping the marriage would change for the better, I would have been basically left bankrupt.

Thank you. I have warned our financial person that he isn't to do anything that would compromise my position and he is legally obligated not to help my husband hide money. My husband is so mean to him he won't help him hurt me. I am happy to see I am not alone. We have in common many things including such long marriages. Which just means longer time being unhappy. Thank you, and I hope you are in a more peaceful and happy life now.

To my surprise -- since I'm in my 60s -- I'm now in a relationship with a man my age whom I had known platonically for years through an arts group we are both in.

After he heard I was divorcing, he started secretly finding out about me ,and then took me out on a date about 8 months later. We found we had much in common, but we both took things very slow.

Several months later, we became intimate, a couple of months later, we realized we were in love and in a relationship.

With him I have the sexual and emotional intimacy and romance that I never had in my marriage or previous relationships. His friends and my friends -- and even some of my ex's relatives -- have expressed support for our relationship, saying that both of us glow with happiness and seem to be made for each other.

None of this would have happened if I hadn't realized that I deserved better than what my ex was doing to me in my marriage. For about the last 8 years of my marriage, I also had been taking the time to independently follow my own interests and passions and to make my own friends. Instead of continuing to be stifled by my husband, I had independently joined organizations, taken classes and even taken trips by myself because I realized that I would rather do things by myself than do things with my husband, who wouldn't have sex with me, and would only talk to me on a superficial level.

Thank you so much for your response. It gives me hope for the future. Even though I am incredibly unhappy right now I still believe in love and peace and happiness and you showed me it is possible. I am doing so much for myself now and you are so right, that's what I need to do. I am so happy for you and pray for the same happiness for me.

Wow, Pourmoi...I could have written your post word for word. I thought I was the only one. The eyes closed during, no intimacy, just distance and no kissing. I see your post is from a long while ago, did you change your situation?

3 More Responses

I have been married for 27 years and discovered I was gay about 10 years ago. It started with a bi-curious thing and I couldn't help it. After a while I came to realize it is just the way I am and I can't help it. I truly didn't think I was gay before, I really believe that and I don't think I was dishonest about that. My wife has had suspicions that I was gay because I crossdress and I liked going "out" dressed but even then I truly thought I was straight but it also explains why I am not into sex with her and why I have never really gotten into it. The first time she asked me if I was gay we had been married about a month, I denied it of course and I really didn't think I was, she has asked me this a few times over the years mostly based on my dressing and going out dressed, incidently crossdressing has nothing to do with homosexuality. Even in the early days of marriage the sex was infrequent. After about six months I lost interest in it and basically I only did it when she finally forced me to do it and it was worse because I couldn't always perform. It got down to the point where I don't think I can remember the last time.

Does it really matter? Besides the gay issue, is your marriage ok? If not, is it so bad you would prefer leaving? I dont think the gay thing is so important, you are the one who has to choose, you cant make him come out of the closet if he doesnt want to. Maybe he is Bi? I think you should evaluate the way u feel about the marriage and talk with him about what's missing. If you cant live with 50%, then leave. If you can, then maybe accept he's gay and that he wont admit it/ cant admit it and try to move on. Either way, you need to make a choice. I know its difficult but it's the best. You cant squeeze water out of a stone so stop trying and choose what is most important for you. Good luck and lots of strength.

I understand completely where you're coming from. Anyone would get frustrated when they know their husband is holding back on something. You feel that you should know every bit of him, every thought, every feeling. But that just isn't true.
Have you ever had a fantasy about another guy? Or a naughty dream? If you did, do you think it would be appropriate to tell him about it? The fact that you had these thoughts doesn't make you love your husband any less. A fantasy is just that... It isn't always acted on, and sometimes we don't even want to act on it. Just the thought of it is enough to satisfy us. If he were to tell you "Hey, I had a dream about a dude last night" or "I can't stop thinking about having sex with other men" that would do nothing but hurt your relationship. You would feel like you weren't enough for him, which I doubt is even close to true.
According to what you said, he does honestly tell you what's going on. He told you he had gay experiences, even after you two were married. If he can come clean about that, I don't think there's much you need to worry about. Maybe see a therapist to help with communication. My husband and I read the book "10 stupid things couples do to mess up their relationship". It did wonders for us, I suggest you try it out.

Thank you for your comment, TSEKO129.

I don't believe he will ever admit his desires, either. I disagree about it not involving me, though. We are a married couple and intimacy is dramatically affected when one person is not being honest. Sexual and emotional intimacy is fractured when trust is lost.

He did tell me of one sexual experience with a man during our marriage.

I've tried quite a few different avenues with our relationship. Sometimes he responds, other times he feigns interest or makes excuses.

Overall, I wish he could honestly tell me what's going on.

Most people, men especially, will never admit to their sexual desires. And Frankly, if they don't involve you, he shouldn't. Those fantasies are his, and you probably don't want to hear about them anyway.
If he's going to tell you he had gay sexual experiences then you can trust his honesty. And **** addiction? It's called being a man... The only thing you should be concerned about is whether or not he has given in to his temptations during your relationship.
I suggest that if you want an intimate relationship, then initiate it. Light some candles, put on some sexy cloths, and don't worry about whether or not it'll turn him on. Just have fun with it.

If he is, that would answer a lot of questions that I have. Yes, I would be able to accept that and move forward.

Problem is . . . is he really gay or am I imagining it? I don't have solid proof. The experiences he's shared with me are over 15 years old. He will not talk about this with me.

If he told me he was gay, I would be hurt, but it would be so helpful in moving on . . . for both of us.

will you be able to accept the fact that he is a gay and move forward...