This morning I heard my husband tell a friend (who once lived as gay but us now married but struggles with homosexual desires, and with whom he spends a LOT of time...more social time than with me) about a year and a half long stint where he was with both a man and a woman. I don't know if he slept with either, as he said he was a virgin when we got married. He had light skin (a feature I also have and he adores...) My husband said that those were some of the best times of his life, that I would "never find out about it", that it was "Aaaaahhhmaaaaayyyzing" (he ONLY talks like that about food and sex), and that he he has contacted him recently. He is friends with the man on Facebook. I have always felt that my husband had desires for someone other than me, and I have had a constant, nagging jealousy, which has caused me to make him cut off the friendships with his NUMEROUS female friends (another sign, I know). Now I see that he was telling the truth when he would say things like "you're the only woman for me," and "I don't want another woman." There were no other women, just another man.

My husband and I have been married for only 3 years, and I honestly don't know if it happened before or after we got married. Everyone in my family has suspected that there was SOMEthing he wasn't telling me...this is it. I was very angry that he hadn't told me about it, but then I could understand as well- I come from a very conservative family. Then I was just sad, because I didn't have a fair chance to choose my spouse wholly. I didn't get the privilege of full disclosure. I have been deceived by him before and have wanted to leave him before, but this was the last straw.

Still, there were signs I should have seen: he has always treated me like some prize, he is a heavier guy but when it comes to us making love, he just lays on his back and takes control-- but he NEVER wants the light on, because he says it's "distracting". What is distracting about making love with a woman with an hourglass figure? He doesn't like to kiss me more than a peck if it's not time for sex, whenever I try to be sexy for him, his response is very theatrical...and sort of gay sounding, actually : "heeeey, alright sexy! Yes!". I keep waiting for that primal moment when he will just look at me and want to ravish me...but those moment never come. It always looks laborious. So I have found myself daydreaming about other men, watching **** less than occasionally(just for arousal because my husband is no good at foreplay-any time I try to touch him, he gets tickled). He begged me to wear over sexualized clothing when we first got married. He slowed down, but my self esteem was never the same. I especially feel sad and unattractive because the only man I ever made love to, can't even look me in the eye in bed.

If he had come to me and been honest, and wanted to change, I don't think it would have angered me so much. The fact that he was relishing the memory and even wishing he could have it again that tells me that I have been right all this time when I felt that there was something that he wanted that I just could not be. I've been wanting to get this out all day. Even as we speak, the date I had to stay home from because of my period has turned into him staying out all night with the male friend mentioned above (not the former lover).
Deliabroken Deliabroken
36-40, F
Aug 16, 2014