Both Confused...

Warning:  This is hard to read because it jumps around alot and is sort of frantic, I guess...I'm ranting alot...

Well, recently my husband of less than a year has begun making confessions, little by little.  First it was that he liked trannies, which I'm ok with...everyone has some weird fetishes, right?  Then he admitted to having a purely physical attraction to men...and finally he admitted he thinks he may have emotional attractions to them as well.  He has told me about fantasizing about kissing his best friend...he worships this man.  He always listens to his advice before mine...except for the time his best friend said not to marry me...  I've also found out that he has lied to me for years (we've know each other since we were young) about having been with other people and all sorts of other details about his past.  After having spent so long thinking that he was some sort of ladies' man (and later he told me he had been with other men, too, after his recent confessions) he then just a couple days ago told me he'd never been with anyone at all, much less men.  His stories are starting to change so fast, I don't know what to believe.  He says he still loves me and lately has been having sex with me at least twice a day (for the past week or so), and has also been having manic bouts of depression (suicidal, actually) and ecstatic happiness.  I'm bipolar, and he makes me look normal.  Just a month or less ago, he was totally fine, no problems, everyday average man...plays softball, has garage full of tools, dotes on our daughter (still does), and usually notices when a hot girl walks by.  But now it's like he's another man altogether...he put up some pics of us on a swinger site without asking me, and has been putting up ads for a man to have sex with him while I watch.  He's been a mere phone call away from having a man visit our hotel room while we were on a weekend getaway in Austin, while I was passed out asleep.  He was angry with me because he said I got drunk and said that I didn't love him, that he was a f*g (which I never use that word), and that I only married him so my daughter would have a father.  I was mortified thinking I had said all that...then a few days later, he told me that I actually didn't say those things...I think he told me all that to somehow justify his behavior.  Now I don't know what to believe....except that I love him still, and I am so terrified that he will hurt himself....something is wrong with him, and we told the doctor, and the doctor dismissed it totally, even when I said he was suicidal, even when I told him about having to tackle my husband and basically injure him to keep him from walking out of the house, shirtless, shoeless, money, phone, nothing.  He was going to just leave and go.  The doctor just said that if it happens again to call.  My husband is so big that I can't restrain him easily, much less call the doctor while I am doing it.  I've thought that he was just telling me all of this, and that he'd never been with anyone else, so that I would let him be with someone else.  I don't know what to think or do....just a couple weeks ago, I believed anything he told I feel like I don't even know him.  And this doesn't help my bipolar issues...I'm not medicated, and have been managing it ok myself for some time, but now I am starting to swing out of control, and I have started cutting again.  How pitiful is that; a 26 year old wife and mother cutting like a depressed teenager (no offense to depressed teens, I used to be one).  I turn to my one friend I thought I could trust, and after 5 minutes of conversation, she tells me to leave him and that she has to eat dinner with her new boyfriend.  I just spent the last 4 months helping her out of a horrid relationship...driving 20 min to pick her up, 20 min back to my place just so she could tell me how fat and stupid I am to make herself feel better, then drive the 20-there, 20-back to take her home.  Of course, sometimes I would take her out for dinner or drinks and usually pay for them.  What the hell, man?  She talked to my ******* husband for an hour or more the night I supposedly said all those horrid things to him...he sometimes says he wants a ********* with her and me...I don't know...all of this is confusing to anyone reading, I know.  I am just spilling it all out as it comes...all I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.  My husband has been as comforting as he can be, what with dealing with his own issues, but I am afraid he will eventually get tired of consoling and reassuring me.  He doesn't understand why I don't trust him, and has been begging me to trust him again, but keeps doing things to make me feel like I can't trust him.  I just don't know what to do or who to turn to, if I should stay and help him or if he is just using me and thus not fix-able.  I am so tired of being used...before this I was in a four year relationship where my boyfriend constantly cheated on me, openly, but had manipulated me so badly that I really thought no one else would want me and that my only chance at happiness was to take care of him and wait for him to change and realize he loved me.  He told me I would never get married anyway, so I might as well get sex from him when he couldn't find it elsewhere....some days my old boyfriend would tell me how awful I was, and other days he would hold me close and tell me how much he loved and needed me and how sorry he was...I lived for those days.  Then came my husband back into my life from long ago.  Until just this past month, he told me nothing but good things.  He would always tell me I was beautiful and strong and that that no man who hurt me was worth anything.  He has always been there for me and stood by my side when I really needed him.  He has retaught me to stand on my feet.  That is why I want to stay and stand by him, but what if it was all just a trick?  I just am so afraid of being caught in another relationship like I was in before that I don't know what is right anymore.  My husband says he loves me and doesn't want to leave me and that he wants to get counseling for all of this, and that he thinks he is addicted to the swinger sites and the gay sites, but he still tries to do things behind my back, like last night, he waited for me to fall asleep (after we had sex) so he could look at some more of the sex ads and then look at ****.  I woke up and we had such a long talk, and we cried and he said he was sorry and felt guilty, and he swore he would go to therapy with me...I just don't know...I am so scared, and it hurts so bad...I just want my old husband back.

sevenofnine sevenofnine
26-30, F
15 Responses Mar 25, 2009

Glad you're sorting things out. One other seriously urgent suggestion: Long Term Foolproof Birth Control for both of you should be a top priority. Having more babies when your relationship and general environment is so chaotic will only make things worse. Trust me, there is no chance of our species going extinct should you two stop procreating! Get him a vasectomy so you can focus on caring for the kids you already have. This will also take some of the stress out of your conjugal visits.

Thanks for the reply, but this is no longer an issue. We've been married 5 years now, have been through therapy, and I am fully capable of using birth control, should I choose to. I think perhaps you should be a little kinder when replying to these stories. Your "procreating" and "conjugal visit" comments were rude, and unnecessary. Especially since the situation has long been a non-issue, which you would have known had you bothered to read the comments. I have left this up for others in my situation to read both my story and the comments others left. However, yours is not needed. If you did not intend to offend, the I'm sorry. However, your comments were harshly worded and not helpful.

Dear Seven,
I am sorry my response came across as rude to you. I intended to write a quick, concise and to the point reply. I suppose I am guilty of writing through the colored view of my own experiences(many are similar in circumstance to those you describe here). Looking back I see now the things that made me and others struggle and suffer more. I can look back and learn from the situations that went from bad to worse. If I could go back and redo, I would delay parenthood by 10+years. Every child should be well planned and born into a safe, stable, well prepared and protected environment with two committed, self actualized, devoted co parents. Failing to provide such, cutting corners, often leads to tragic consequences later on.

I know this situation well. I had a child with a self centered, unstable, untrustworthy partner. Worse than my own disappointment was seeing the long-term suffering of my child. No matter how much you do, you can't make up for his shortcomings as a co parent. A child will suffer.

Also, it is harder to work through your own issues when you are overwhelmed with the responsibilities of parenthood. Be healthy and well. :)
best wishes to you and yours.

Would you care to add me?

Oh, and my daughter was actually diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD (they are thinking my original bipolar diagnosis was incorrect, and that I may be "borderline Asperger's," and I am definitely ADHD). She is receiving medication and behavioral therapy, and is a wonderfully brilliant little girl! Thanks for your concern. :)

Thanks to those who are still posting after so long. As a follow up, it's now 2+ years later. My husband and I are still together, and our very happy. For better or for worse means a lot to me. He's gotten help, is on antidepressants, and is pretty much accepted that he is bi. He's stayed faithful to me, and we have toyed with the idea of experimentation, but are taking it slowly. Especially now, as I am 6 months pregnant! :D We have had our ups and downs, but have stood by each other through it all and will continue to do so. I love him with all my heart, regardless of his sexual orientation, and I am so thankful we made it through that difficult time. Thanks again for all who have posted, even those I disagree with. The fact that you care to post makes me like people do still care for others!

Hi, <br />
I agree with others who rec you get back on your meds. Chances are that your daughter will develop bipolar issues, too. She deserves a drama-free life and consistent parenting. Your husband is obvioulsy gay. It is sad that you've devoted yourself to another dishonest man, because your self-esteem is definitely suffering. But there ARE honest people out there. Please protect yourself from diseases immediately.

cut your losses and get outta there!

7of9, you've got a lot on your plate but nothing that you can't handle with a strong action plan and a lot of faith. The best thing you have going for you is yourself. You will never leave you. Rely on you, you can. You will find out that you have strength you never knew you had. With proper medication and the right doctors you and him can do what you need to do. Make sure that you take care of yourself. You are the only you, you have.

Whatever your issues were I hope you found help. God bless.

My ex-wife had some of these behaviors. She had borderline personality disorder. It sounds like your husband might have a personality disorder on top of his bipolar. This takes very intensive cognitive therapy from a psychologist plus drugs from a psychiatrist.

Thanks, everyone for your advice and concern. The root of the issues with my husband still stand, but his erratic behavior has vanished. He still is obviously out of the closet, and the fact that he lied about past relationships still is there, but I think that the majority of the crazed behavior was actually due to a medication he'd just started. He is now back to his old self (well, sort of) and we are well on our way to working through all the other stuff, and the obvious trust issues. I am actually grateful that the meds knocked him crazy for awhile, though, or who knows how long he would have hidden all of this. <br />
As for my friend, I still don't hear from her much. I have started talking to another old friend who, ironically, is just getting out of a LT relationship, but I am being more realistic about it, and I am not going to trust anyone to be there for me, and instead, I am just enjoying her company while it lasts.<br />
I really learned a hard lesson by all of this, which is to trust no one but myself. So, my plan is to stay by my husband and help him now that he is sane again, but I we are still going to counseling. I guess this was just a really hard pill to swallow, to truly realize that you seriously can't trust anyone. My mother told me this once, and I just thought she was bitter because of my dad's affair, but now I really believe her...<br />
But again, thanks for all the concern everyone!

By theway...Love the avatar...and the name

I am with CPAGuy....Get some help for yourself....and then get some help for him....<br />
<br />
My first husband was gay.....and at the end of it...He started to get mean...Not real mean....But verbally mean....and I understand that it hurts.....<br />
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I think that he is not wanting to admit anything to himself...Let lone to you....But weather he is...or he is not...He does need help.....But you have the child..So your help must come first....Go and get back on the that is what you need....and find someone that you can trust...A pastor...mother...father...friend...Just not that same one....But you need some felp coping with your husband...and then..and only then can you decide just what to do

waooo thats a problem!!

Ya think? Help out or shut up.

I used to think my ex-husband was gay cause he always wanted to do me in the butt, i was like gawd i have a pussi hello.

Obviously he needs a new doctor. The therapist or psychiatrist you're seeing should be able to recommend another qualified person for him.<br />
<br />
Second you need to talk to YOUR doctor because you've started cutting again.<br />
<br />
Who can make sense of your husband's lies? Not you. And yes, you may need to move out temporarily while he gets sorted out.<br />
<br />
Your girlfriend, sadly is typical of someone in a new relationship, it's all about her. If she were single she'd be a lot more supportive.<br />
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Honey, please go back in and edit your story with paragraph breaks. More people will read it and you'll get more help here. You've got a unique experience and we DO want to share it with you!