How I Completely Ruined My Life...

I was a promising high school student i got high marks on my grades, was a programmer, writer and a bit of a philosopher. But i unknowningly made mistakes afterward that would forever alter my life for the worst. It wasnt because i did drugs, got in with a gang, got into trouble with the law. No it was because of my college choices. I went to community college for 2.5 years and got a completely useless liberal arts degree thinking it would help me get into a good school into a program i wanted.
Under this pressumption i thought i had to worry about my career later, when i got into my bachelors. I found my state university wouldnt accept my full associates but i found a school that would. it was non-profit regionally accredited and private. It had a physical campus and people i knew who had decent jobs went there. To my horror i found out the college ran like a for-profit. I was stuck for the semester with debt and no way out.
The program i was in had no accreditation and all the classes were disgustingly subpar. I am now transfered to my state college in a MIS program with mathmatics that is way over my head. I will likely fail out with even more debt and no career. If i do manage to push through i will end up with a bottom of the barrel IT degree with no experience and insurmountable debt. So little of my credits transfer from my associates degree that it is now like i never went to college at all. All of the credits from that diploma mill forprofit are useless and can be applied nowhere but that school. I am 22 btw and i have gone nowhere in life at all. Not having a viable career i still with my parents and given my circumstances i will probably be stuck living with them for a very long time.I also have a one year employment gap and i am working a minimum wage job i JUST found. no one not even fast food resturaunts wanted me.
My depression has reached paralyzing and suicidal addition to all this I have been losing all my friends because they are moving away, i shut everyone out because im so depressed or i talk about how much ive screwed up. I am not the person i used to be in high school. I was confident to the point of arrogance, believed that i was destined for something greater because of my hardship. But now i am a self loathing, unmotivated, indivdual who feels like a burden, disgrace and a leech to his family. They are already looking down on me, i am looking down on myself. I hate myself for making the horrible mistakes i have. I do not see a future for me ahead. I wish i had a painless way to end my miserable existence. Or If there was a way to be back in high school again so i could fix everything i would do it in an instant. I thought i knew what suffering was but i realize now all of my problems before were mere slights. I could have been so much happier and even have had made more of the right decisions. But now it seems like my days where i could have been carefree are over. Things are only going to worsen from here on out and i can blame no one but myself..
Darkslayeryuu Darkslayeryuu
4 Responses Dec 7, 2012

That's horrible! I have a slightly different story, but believe me the horrid feeling is the same, i wish i'd have listened to the people telling me to do the right thing...

I feel this so much. I'm in a similar situation. I'm really concerned I don't know where I'll end up in my future career. I believe that's it's great to recognize your mistakes, self loathing and pity won't help. I often fall in to a trap of feeling sorry for myself and wishing things were different. But I think I just have to do the with the situation I'm in. I think you do too. You never know what life has in store for you. I think life has a way of correcting for people who make mistakes and want to correct then. It may not turn out the way you expect, but I'm trying to be hopeful for the future and just worry about the present. Good luck!!!

What's done it's done! I believe you can only keep on trying., giving up won't solve anything.Perhaps asking for help will be to a community group or church will lead to some kind of solution. Good luck and don't give up!

I am sorry you feel so hopeless . Arrogance may lead to bad choices . so use this experience as a lesson for the future . My ex wife got 3 useless degrees and also works for close to minimum wage job . But in this country there's hope for convicted murderers once they paid their dues to society . I know a man who did 3+ years in prison for drug related offenses and now is a mechanic . I think you look at life as either you're at the top of the world , or you're rock bottom , but life is normally everything in between . You're still young , you may find new friends at your next college or job . Good luck !

Yeah...knowing what i know now I really wish i would have just gone into a trade or did what one of my other techy friends did. I thought school was the main thing i need to concentrate on. My brothers friend went straight into a bench tech job at geek squad and worked there for about five years while getting a similar useless associates degree as me. He also is going to same diploma mill like school i went to. But the difference is that he used an IN for experience so it pretty much doesnt matter. He is now a helpdesk engineer. My other friend high school who was expelled when we put through a plot to steal all the student novel passwords eventually finished out his ged somewhere else and went wayne state and ended up a business systems analyst. I am a sacker... like i said the sad part is i have all plenty of knowledge behind me and no papers or work experience to show for it.
I can perform DDOS attacks, make botnets, develop small scripts and applications, do every general repair to PC you could think of. i went about everything completely the wrong way because i was misinformed and naive to the fullest. Ironically i was always a person who fixated on living in reality and recently found out his "reality" was an illusion all along. Now that my illusions have been dispelled it has been the deepest torment i have ever faced.

I'm kind of wishing i could get that passionate confident mind i had back in high school. I want to be free to just explore, self learn, do hobbies, create, develop friendships and relationships again. Without having to worry about debt, having a career, being able to support myself and having to be shamed for not being able to become something. Or being ashamed of myself for not become something. I'm an adult in body but i dont feel like i've grown up in a lot of ways. Mostly in the sense that i have no idea on how to provide for myself and always have been taken care of.

Everything you say hits home for me. I've been working on changing my life to get back that old motivation I had. It's been really hard for me but I think that's part of it. In some ways you have to let go of your past and work on bettering your present. Try not to be discouraged, now that you realize these things, you should capitalize on this and create the changes you need to succeed. Easier said than done, but you only have now to do this. The past is over.