Could Someone Help Me?

Hi Everybody -

I'll give a little background first, and I'll try my best not to make this a one-sided story.

My wife and I have been married for just over 11 years. She's a writer for an ad firm, 38, and still beautiful. I'm a musician and music teacher, and I'm 42.

We've both been overweight slobs for years, and we both are now in shape, and not quite as slovenly. Neither one of us has ever been very good housekeepers. We have, however, been in love for 12 years, and until recently, I thought we were doing ok.

Before you start thinking, "OK here's another rockstar-wannabee wondering why he can't keep a woman," let me assure you that I normally do quite well financially, but in the last 6 months, a lot of my gigs have simply dried up. I still teach during the week, but she's making about four times what I am right now. I've been sending out resumes every day for the past couple of months, and I'm about to start a regular house gig that will pay nicely, so financially, things aren't absolutely horrible.

I should also point out that I do all the cooking, all her laundry, and any housework that needs to be done, but again, I'm not the best housekeeper. She has had issues with hygiene for as long as I've known her, showering once or twice a week only.  

Last tuesday, she shuts the TV off at 9pm and asks if she can talk to me. I said ok, then she proceeds to tell me that she's concerned about my "bare minimum" behavior, and how inconsiderate I've been, my attitude toward my debt, depending on her too much emotionally, and how unhappy she is. Has been....for a while now. She said she wanted to say something before, but she didn't want to hurt me. HOWEVER, she's felt this way long enough that she said she's begun to pull away from me emotionally, and she's not sure if she can live with someone like me.

Needless to say, I was pissed! I was also devastated - these words had never been spoken before between us. We've never said the D word. I couldn't believe she had the gaul to say this to me - like her problems are all taken care-of, her **** is together, what the hell is wrong with me????

I did not throw anything back in her face, at all. I was completely freaked out, and told her I'd need some time to get this taken care-of. She said that was fair. Goody.

She feels what she feels, and no matter what I say, that won't change, and I wouldn't expect it to. What I'm terrified of, though, is the possibility that her process of pulling away from me cannot be stopped, regardless of my actions. She's given me no reason to think this is bullshit, or that she's seeing somebody else.

We had sex sunday night, and it was pretty awkward, and non-orgasmic for us both. I told her after that maybe we should have waited, to which she replied that she didn't want to be withholding. Then I said we could chill out on the sex thing, and that I wouldn't push the issue.

I don't want to lose her, and I've been busting my *** for the last week getting the house in shape, cleaning, doing multiple loads of laundry, and crying my eyes out every day. She knows it was unfair of her to keep her feelings hidden from me, but that doesn't change how she feels. Thankfully, she's not into going out drinking right now, and that has given me hope. If that were not the case, I'm pretty sure I'd be packing my bags right now.

I'm so desperate to make things right with her - but I'm keeping my distance and doing my best not to be clingy. She's pleasant to me, still calls me "Baby", and we're sleeping in the same bed. But there IS a distance there that is killing me. 

chill777 chill777
41-45, M
5 Responses Feb 24, 2009

Well,I've been in that situation many,many times-with a lot of experience.So,let me just tell you;sooner or later you'll get back on your feet (it's the matter or money,not how hard you work) and this could be long forgotten,but there is a part of your soul which dies each time a thing like this happens.Every now and then you realize-we are all alone.

When marriage vows your gave your you said for richer for poorer in sickness till death do I part. Now you both have to keep that promise to each other because a promise made is a debt unpaid. A promise that is made for the rest of your lives.

I want to say I can relate, I am a wife that works hard to keep my husband happy. I come home from my job and then do the housework. He works so hard to give me material things but he has put a distance from me lately. he has so much as told me that he has not been happy for months, we have been together six years and married two of the six. I stay because I know i love him and he will eventually love me the way he did in the beginning, now I am not saying he does not love me. I want us to work but the past few weeks have been hard to try to talk to him, he says I need to grow up. That I am pushing him away everytime I say something to him of how I feel. It is to a point that I have called for counseling for myself due to I feel I need outside help cause my only other support is gone. I don't know what I expect to get out of posting this but maybe i can get some of how i feel out so I dont feel so lonely.

By the way....How are things going now...Any better

I do understand how you feel.....And I understand how she feels....My husband is going to school right now...and I have been paying all of the bills.....And at times I do feel the same way that your wife does....Just think that it will get better....and keep trying....She can do only what she can do....You will never be able to change her mind....She is the only one that can change it......But do not....I repeat Do not....just toss in the towel....For that is the worst thing that you can do