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And I Did It

i went out drinking with a work buddy last week and didn't get home til the sun was up the next day. while that is bad enough i made it worse by not calling to say i'd be late. i really don't remember too much except that i was having a great time until i realized i was too drunk to stand up w/o swaying and decided to leave.

it was after midnight, when i finally found my way out of the bar. but by the time i made i to the train station, the next train was 4AM. it was only like 2ish. whatever. suffice it to say i screwed myself royally and am a class A inconsiderate *******.

she had been calling me and left a few choice voicemails, but i could tell she had been crying. the second vm she left basically said we were done. i can't blame her.

but then we talked saturday and i told her that i wasn't happy either. we spoke about how we keep repeating this process where things get better then get worse, then get really bad, then get better... its true too. it seems to follow that pattern. i told her its more of a three steps forward two steps back dance, but its hard to see the progress now...

i won't leave her. but i think i've damaged us too much for her to stay...thing is i do really love her and who she is, i just don't think she likes or loves who i am. how can she?

i think we made goodbye love last night...i won't be surprised if when i get home tonight she's packed up and taken my son...

what a ******* pity party huh? i did it. now what?

doitagain doitagain 36-40, M 5 Responses Jun 30, 2008

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You're right on both counts, of course. <br />
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I can't believe its been so long since this happened... Funny how things happen sometimes and you think "the sky is falling!" and ya live through it by fighting, but when **** is all calm, you **** up...or use vulgarities instead of trying to be polite ;)

I think people should be allowed to stay out til 4am if they choose. It shouldn't be an issue, it obviously isn't the issue really, just something she's latched onto to address deeper things

Immediately following this we began again to speak with each other and work on those things which we knew bothered us. I stayed offline and came home from work early, she bought Risk and Sorry and a dry erase board for chores and reminders. <br />
We've caught up with each other somewhat and we were being really good about being responsive (me) and not an ice-princess (her), but I can tell we're slipping back. <br />
I wonder why these changes are so hard to make permament. That's a lie. I really wonder if it's futile to try to remake yourself. Maybe they're both the same question? <br />
But I'm glad for the time we had playing sorry and risk. Glad that today at least we have a family with our son. and glad that I'm not fighting quite so hard NOT to change...

I also bet she will still be there. Wether you believe me or not I have been thru this too. I too have waited like your wife for my husband to come after staying out all night. I have called him various times, sometimes I even leave vm but he would turn off his phone because he knew what he was doing was wrong. He would later come in the next morning feeling sorry talking about he would never do it again and yet I have told him on various occasions that I would be leaving him and taking my daughters.<br />
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I have one question for you...Do you know why you decided that you would risk staying out and not even calling as to show respect to her? Are you stressed? Is there something going on in your life that you don't know how to talk to her about it?<br />
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I have realized a couple of things with my husband and he came clean as to why he does this. His reasons are that he is an alcoholic, he has an addiction and he doesn't really know how to express his feelings. These things make him not care when he is at the point of having his fun and not realizing how much he hurts us.<br />
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Hope to hear from you and I hope all goes well with your wife.<br />
It is very difficult to walk away from a marriage! I do love my husband and yes I have been having an affair on him but we are still trying to work things out. (He has also cheated on me before)

bet she will still be there.<br />
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Sorry all this had to happen, but sometimes we need these events to get the communication going in the right direction. Mine happend last easter. Been better since after a long heart-to-heart. Not great, but much better and is still going (usually it would slide back after a month or two). But honestly, i see that i am putting forth a much better effort this time too.....<br />
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Anyway - 'nuff abbut me. I do hope it gets better for you real soon....let me know if she's still there or not.....