What Can I Do?

How much more must I endure? Forget me, my poor husband was raised in hell with this evil disorder. Where do I start?

My mother in  law and I worked in the same school district for years. She was always nice to me, but did strange things. Before I dated her son, I dated a police officer and she did not like that. That man sent flowers in to the main office once and she attempted to throw them in the garbage. Another women stopped her. I began dating her son, my husband over a year later. My mother in law was thrilled. We got engaged a year later and she was overjoyed. But it was all down hill from there. A few months later I was hospitalized for two weeks and was out of work for a month.  I had a condition called endometriosus. I came back to work to a very different environment. People were asking me inappropriate questions ( such as "are you pregnant?" and inappropriate comments ( such as, your boobs are so big) and staring at my stomach. People began asking me if we were going to speed up the wedding. I could not understand why people were attacking me  like this after I was so sick. At the end of the school year I spoke to my boss about it in tears. She told me that my mother in law " has a big mouth".  ( My mother in law was the head Secretary at the time before she was removed  by her boss for a separate incident).I was in shock. Not only was I hurt by this but I put in for a transfer to another school. My heart was broke.

I decided not to say anything about it to her. My husband said it was very typical of her  to make up stories.

I was not given a transfer that year, but my mother in law was moved to another building instead. But  the problems got worse.

The older women who were friends with my mother in law stopped talking to me, or even acknowledging me. I began being left out of invitations to lunch function and such. People continued to ask me inappropriate questions and make awful comments.

I began planning our wedding. My husband and I decided to fly to Hawaii for a small wedding because we could not afford a big wedding at home. My mother in law began to tell people she could not afford to fly to our wedding ( she had 2 years to save if she wanted to attend). My husband and I make the same amount of money as my mother in law and her 4th husband. We saved to pay for our tickets, my two older daughters tickets, hotel, food for 3 weeks, also the wedding ceremony and reception. We even paid for his sister's ticket! My mother in law told everyone in the school district and both families that we were selfish and she couldn't even afford to attend our wedding. More problems with the older women at work. My husbands wealthy uncle offered to pay for 2 plane tickets for our wedding gift. They were given to my mother in law. We missed a mortgage payment.

My friend threw a bridal shower for us at  our home. My mother in law drank a bottle of wine while munching zanax and taking anti depressants. My two best friends saw her dump a full glass of wine purposely on our carpet when the thought no one was looking step in the stain with her foot. She then proceeded to kiss a friend of mine on the lips within a half hour of her 4th husband leaving the party. She did this in front of my whole family and children and in the daylight. She began running in and out of the house bringing more and more food out that my friends were storing in the fridge to keep from spoiling. My friends asked her to stop and she ignored them. It was awful. Truly.

During the wedding, my mother in law rented a beautiful 2 bedroom condominium in Princeville HI. We stayed in small cramped hotels  with my 12 year old sleeping on the floor in blankets.( with the exception of 4 days surrounding our wedding day).  She brought the maid of honor up to her bedroom to help her choose from 6 over $200.00 dresses. My young sister in law did not even have a dress to wear at all, only old pants with a tee shirt. At the wedding reception she was making moves on my Uncle in front of everyone. She interrupted out honeymoon to drive her to the airport.

Now, the holidays. I have had my mother in law to all holidays since my husband and I were dating. The first year we were dating, we went to her home for Thanksgiving. She made my oldest daughter cry at the dinner table. We decided it was best to have all holidays at our home. I have a very big family so it is easier to have my mother in law and her husband over for all holidays. My husband and I feel that its fair for the girls also.

Last Christmas, my mother in law called my husband the day before Christmas eve ( after all the cooking & planning was done) to tell him that she was not coming for Christmas eve dinner, but he was invited to her home for dinner. I called and asked her why she had told me she was coming, and she played stupid. She showed up after all the grief she caused.

On mother's day last year, she was zooming on some substances and decided to talk about really inappropriate things with my 18 year old sister ( saying she may be a lesbian) and about sex with my 19 year old daughter. My 12 year old was hearing all this. Then, out of nowhere I ( and everyone at the house) watched her slap my own mother in the head. My father and mother left soon after that. My husband was so embarrassed he was in tears that night.

This Thanksgiving, my husband invited my mother in law to our home once again. She began calling my cell phone and hanging up for a few days straight. I was not getting her number on  my missed calls because she was waiting for the voice mail to start, and then hanging up. When she finally left a message, my husband told me not to call her back. He has decided to deal with her since we worked together and all the problems that she has caused. He does not want me in direct contact her anymore.

My mother in law became enraged and called my husband in a fit of rage. For one hour she screamed at him calling me disrespectful. Calling me " that woman" and accusing me of keeping him to myself. She stated " my son has crawled into a hole". He told her that he was happy and loving his life. He explained that if she continued to say those things about me that she would never see any of of again.

This latest episode has left my husband very sad and angry with her. He told me that she has done this to him all his life. He constantly feels guilty for her miserable behavior. He feels responsible for her life ruining gossip. He feels responsible for her destructive behavior.

He has felt this way since he was a child. She divorced his father in a violent mess when he was 13. Before he was 17 she dragged him into 3 different men and one woman's homes. He was abused by two of the men. His sister only dates women now as a young adult. She ripped him away from a loving family  ( his father's family). She never paid for a dime for his clothing, help with a car, or college. He left her  never to live in her home again when he was 17.

What can I possibly do to help this situation? He has accepted a promotion in his company and we will be moving to the opposite end of the country. I am 4 months pregnant with our 1st child together and he is insisting we don't tell her anything that is new in our lives.

Please, if you have any real advise, help us! I feel so helpless. I hate seeing her hurt my husband. He is such a good man. I can hardly stand seeing the tears in his eyes when he tells me about her harassment.

4 Responses Nov 26, 2008

ur posted is an old one..... but for any one who finds them selves in that type of situation.. I would keep her out of ur life completely ........... never let her know what is going on in your life , move away if you can .............. belive me i grew up with that kind of person .....best thing you can do is keep her out of your life

I am sorry to here about this I have a bi-polar mother in law and the same thing happened we went on a trip to Hawaii and she claimed she had no money then while staying in Hawaii her and my mother stayed in the same room of the villa we rented and she made an accusation that someone stole 200 dollars out of her suitcase but she didn't mention it to my mom but to my wife's aunt and when my mom asked what happened she wouldn't say. In other words she was claiming my mother stole the money and I know my mother didn't if anything this women is a theif she steals from society with her fake SSI claim and fake Workman Comp. Claim. Your husband is making the right decesion if she does not want to get treatment then the two of you need to cut ties with her. My wife won't and she choses her mother over me I see that will never change and now I have a choice to make. Do I want to live with this for the rest of my life or do I leave a woman I love because of her mother. It hard to choose but as each year passes and her mother gets worst the choice becomes easier.

I think your husband is doing the right thing by cutting contact, he has given her MULTIPLE chances to redeem herself, but she seems to insist on making others around her miserable.<br />
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My father was the kind of person who was abusive and always made me feel not good enough. It was to the point where I'd almost have panic attacks being around him because I was so scared of making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing. He constantly critisized my weight and then when my parents got a divorce he wailed on me and told me all sorts of horrible things and I walked away so upset. I cried for ages, and then one day I got angry, I never did a thing to deserve the treatment he put upon me, and I realized he did me a favor by pushing me out of his life.<br />
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It's been 4 years this december that I haven't talked to my father, and my life has been better.<br />
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You can't force a relationship to work, you can't make his mother change, all you can do is realize you don't deserve this pain and that you should life your life without people like this. Support your husband in this, if he doesn't want to tell her anything anymore, great. You are moving across the country, even better. Just because she's his mother doesn't mean she deserves to be in his life, specially since she has caused him so much turmoil. <br />
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All you can do is be there for him and if he questions himself tell him he's making the right decision, you and your family don't need to suffer for someone else's selfish behavior- there are plenty of people in the world with disorders who aren't like this. She's miserable and is trying to make everyone else miserable.<br />
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It's going to be hard, it was hard for me, but with time I've healed tremendously and have realized that I don't need that in my life. Your hubby will heal over time as well.<br />
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If the MIL calls you, tell her this is between her and your husband. And I think (even though he's done this already) is that if she calls him again he needs to tell her one more crazy outburst, one more hurtful comment, anything, and he'll count her out of his life. He also needs to clearly say she is not allowed to say ONE bad thing against you or your children or anyone else, to him OR anyone else, or again she will be counted out of his life FOREVER. I say this because I'm sure she'll go around telling all the relatives you have taken him away from her, and he needs to make it clear that if she can't shut her mouth then he can't open up his family to her.<br />
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Good luck, it's hard, I know it is, but you all have to think of yourselves now.

What a terrible story!<br />
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It sounds as though your husband never had a chance from the start and it's all credit to him that he's the well-adjusted man he seems to be today.<br />
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It certainly sounds as though your mother-in-law may suffer from bi-polar disorder.<br />
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My husband's first wife suffered from this condition and from what he's told me, she exhibited much the same sort of behaviour that your mother-in-law does.<br />
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I don't know what to advise you, execpt to suggest that your husband try to speak privately to his mother's MD.<br />
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For sure, you can't go on enduring this situation.<br />
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If you need to talk at any time, contact me here at EP.