Why Can't I Stop Trying?

When I was 6 my parents divorced, a very nasty court battle ensued. The topic was custody of my older brother, neither wanted me. I look just like my Dad it turns out this would be my downfall, my Mom got stuck with me. From the age of 6 on I was extremely isolated, my Mom worked a lot and while my brother was allowed to hang out with friends she claimed it was "unsafe" for me to do the same. Even when my Mom had time off she very rarely wanted anything to do with me. I was told if I had to cry to hide it, when I was sick I was locked in my room and not allowed to see any other humans until she determined I was well enough to come out. She had boyfriends and the inevitable happened I was molested over and over for years. To this day she will deny that it ever happened even though I constatly was covered in bruises and had a cast on one or another limbs for the majority of this time. She claimed I am just clumsy, I cleaned the house and was responsible for cooking all the meals from the age of 10. I would meet her at the door desperate for human contact, she would tell me I was too needy and to get away from her.

I joined the military to get away as soon as legally possible, my Mom taunted me in the weeks leading up to basic that I could never make. Why would the military want a loser like me? Well I made it, unfortunately I was then raped in the military. God help me will it ever get better? I reported it, it was a violent rape my dorm room was broken into and I fought like crazy. There were witnesses, well in true military fashion they tried to "sweep it under the rug". I continued fighting for justice and a year later finally succeeded, however it was too late the perpetrator had already raped 2 other girls before I was able to convince the military to act. My Mom claimed I must have lied otherwise they would have arrested him immeadiately. I was emergency PCS'd ( they moved me to a new base) in Germany, my rapist was a very popular guy and the other mechanics considered me public enemy number one. Did I mention my job in the military? I was a aircraft mechanic working on the A-10 Warthog, a profession that has very few females and is known for mistreating them. Of course nobody told me that before I was stuck in the field.

After a second tour in Iraq I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, caused by the burn pits in Iraq. Even with all of my medical records as proof my Mother still tells everyone I know that I am not really sick. She continues to torture me to this day even though I moved 2,000 miles away from her. She has told me she doesnt love me, doesnt want to be my Mom, she got trashed at my wedding and tried to leave before pictures or the dancing or cake, she told me that divorce is much worst than rape, and made fun of my looks all my life. I spent my entire wedding day sick from the stress, I ened up vommitting several times while at my reception. She spent most of the time telling me what an inconveinence my wedding was for her. Lord please give me strength.

I remember her refusing to take me to the doctor while I had a broken arm. I had to deal with the pain for four days before I was finally taken to receive care, the bone had started to heal incorrectly and the doctor had to rebreak it to set my bone correctly. So obviously this woman doesnt love me, but what I dont understand is why do I still want her to so badly? Why do I try time and time again to connect? I wish I could find away to be angry, unfortunately all I feel is hurt. I guess it is because a part of my believes this is my fault. I don't know, I want that love so much, I just want one day. I think I could deal with the abuse if only I could have one day with my Mom loving me.

Jbass84 Jbass84
1 Response May 9, 2012

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