Plastic Smile

Usually I'd look at sites like these and laugh at how much of a joke they are. BECAUSE they are jokes. "Why would I ever post random crap to a complete group of strangers", I'd think. Yeah, well funny story because here I am. Posting crap. To a complete group of strangers. Who knew?

For the past 3 years, I've been that high school girl that makes life work *holla @ me* : top grades, filthy rich and extremely popular. I'm so grateful for the life I have and the friends I get to share it with. But lately things have been a mess. I try to smile, pretend I'm okay. It's harder than it seems. I'm NOT okay. I'm not okay with fighting with my mom every single day of my life. I'm not okay with the screaming and hair pulling that occurs far too often. I'm not okay with the countless empty threats. And I'm definitely not okay with the apologies and the endless "I promise I won't ever repeat what I did" 's that I hear over and over again.

"Oh darling you're being demanding" lots of you might think. I'm 17. I WANT TO BE DEMANDING. I demand a sane mother. I demand a loving mother. I demand a mother that listens to me when I come home excited after school. Whether I'm babbling BS or not, I want someone to smile at me and say "how lovely baby gurl!".

I would never say any of this to my friends. "Are they not real friends?". No shut up they totally are. But I have so much and I feel it would be unfair to complain to them. That explains why I'm here , complaining to a group of strangers that can't judge me. YAYAY. Complaining to myself.

For now, it's back to the plastic smiles and the "yes I'm doing great today", because honestly no one ever waits to hear your answer to "how are you".

I'M NOT FINE.