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No Matter What, I'll Always Be The Bad Person.

Well I'm finally putting into words how my mother has treated me and how it has affected my life. Ever since I was little my life has been somewhat of turmoil, going through step parent, after step parent, home after home, it was misery. And my mother has pretty much always been at the core. Now she wasn't always as bad or crazy as she is today, I have fond memories from when I was little of her playing with me, crafting, playing with our animals, normal mom and daughter stuff....then as I got older, all I can remember is the negative. My mom and dad divorced when I was very young, and it was a bad one, and it seems like ever since then she has resented me because I am a huge part of my father. I love my dad, he is my rock, and I would be nothing today if it weren't for him.

Anyways, the abuse started as I got a little older, my mother was the most verbally (not advanced to physical just yet) abusive, screaming her lungs out over spilled milk, break everything in her path kind of person you would ever meet. I can remember being balled up in the corner while she screamed 2 inches from my face over something as small as asking to go to the park with my dad for the day because I had not seen him in weeks. I got to the point where I was afraid to ask or do anything. She never let me have outside friends, she controlled when and how long my father got to see me, and every aspect of my life, and if you differed in any way, there were consequences. Things were like this in my life from about 4 until the age of 14.... then it just went down hill even more. My mom retired from the Post Office and we had to move to a new state. I know she didn't want to move because her life was in Georgia, but her husbands job depended on it, so we did. I was yanked out of school in 7th grade and put into homeschool. I hated every second of it, my one escape was my school and my few friends I had that knew my situation. Now I was stuck home with her 24.7. I had an online school where I was to do the work on the computer, but my mother, fearing I would somehow get past the locks on the internet and send my father a message that I loved him, would print the papers out for me to do. If I messed up one time, I had to sit at the table for hours until I got it right, all the while her screaming in my face, calling me pathetic an stupid, and slamming my face into the table.

Did I mention my sister was born sometime in between all this? Grace, she was so beautiful. She became my whole world. After she had gotten somewhat past the age of 1, I pretty much took over for her. I never left her side, we spent all our time together. Playing outside, watching movies, horseback riding, I was crazy over her! Now the sad part is my sister had to grow up in this environment as well, but her father was in the picture (half sister, diff dads), so the abuse was not allowed on her, her father would step in when mom's mouth opened a little to big. I shielded her from everything that I could. When things would get out of hand between the parents, I can remember grabbing her and running. Just running to wherever we could go until the screaming stopped. The barn, out with the horses, anywhere we could get so I could make her happy, not letting her think about the things that were going on inside. She was so small when this went on, I couldn't bare to watch her face when she got scared, it hurt me so bad. Needless to say, my sister was everything to me and more, and I know she felt the same.

Fast forward to me being 17, and things just getting progressively worse. The fighting between me and my mother has progressed to physical abuse. If the horses were not fed precisely at 5, there would be beating, screaming, kicked and shoved against the wall. If we were laughing a little to loudly and disturbed her while she was in laying bed getting drunk off her nightly liquor, and her cocktail of medications from mental doctors, there would be consequences. Needless to say, everyone walked on egg shells... Mean while I hadn't seen my dad in 8 months, was like this for years. came time for summer vacation. My mother allowed me to visit for 2-3 weeks max. Then I had to return home and resume the life I despised so much. Before I left for my dads this time tho, things were going to change. 2 weeks before I went to leave, there was an incident, one that pushed me over the edge and made me realize how bad things had really gotten.

Early morning mom stumbles out of bed to take my sister to school, as usual she unplugs the house phone, the dock all of it,and sticks it in her purse so the 7 minutes she was gone I couldn't call my father to say I miss you. God forbid that. Nothing new to me, I had gotten used to living in prison, as every phone call I ever made had to be sitting in front of her and on speaker phone, and if you made a wrong move you lost the phone for weeks. So, she comes home and demands the sink be bleached out , but also she would like breakfast. Im standing in the kitchen, frying bacon, and she comes out of her room, after which when she got home from taking my sister to school she would go back into and lay for hours on end in a sleeping pill and psych pill induced zombie state, and she starts in on me. And I quote " You stupid mother @#$%&%#, why isn't the sink bleached, I f$%$@ told you to get it done are you stupid or something" I literally stood there in shock and disbelief, it was too early for this.

I said mom Im going to bleach and clean it after Im done with the breakfast dishes, can you please stop screaming at me? Big mistake on my part. So she shoves me with all she has, screaming she wants to fight me, threatening to call the police, saying she is going to hit her own self in the face so it looks like I beat her and that way I'd get taken away...I had enough. Now at the age of 17 I was 5'10 and 175 lbs of big strong girl, and my mom was maybe 5'4, 130 lbs....so I had it made up in my mind today was the day I jumped. She shoved me about 8 times, and I got burned with grease, now that made me furious, and I said a prayer in my head, begging for this to stop, because I had a cast iron skillet in my hand and I had it made up she got three more shoves and that was going to be that. She shoved once, then again...and then she stopped. Oh thank god, I never wanted to hurt her but I felt like I was backed into a corner..and the thing was, she just walked away!! She went back in her room and didn't speak to me the rest of the day...Fast forward to me getting on the plane, she kissed me goodbye, and told me she loved me..yes, somewhere inside my mothers sick head I think there is some type of emotion called love, even in her book... I can remember kneeling down to my sister and hugging her a little longer and a little tighter than I ever had before, I told her that I loved her more than anything on this planet, and no matter what happens, know Im always here, you are loved and I will see you soon. Its been almost 4 years now and those were the last things I have said to my baby sister.

So I get to my dads and I spill it all. Now my dad has helped me through my whole life but you've got to understand my mother has always had money, wealthy family, so the lawyers to keep me away from my dad, were unbeatable. It was always a power thing with my mom, like I was just an item to be controlled. But My dad worked his behind off for everything he had and could never beat my mom, although he spent my whole life trying....When I got to him, I told my dad that I wasn't going back, I couldn't. So long story short, we finally got the upperhand on my mom, and had custody changed over, now it was only 8 months until I was 18 and could have moved where I wanted but the situation was that bad, that I needed a protection order from my mother and needed a custody change because I was in fear of what she may do to me. How sad is that?

When the judge read I would be allowed to stay with my father I was in tears, part of me was so relieved, and part of me was so sad. I knew in my heart that time I hugged my sister in the airport would be the last for a very long time. And I was right. My mothers eternal punishment to me for exposing her ( and let me add, no negative things happened to her, no charges, no court ordered therapy, not a thing), was to take away everything that I loved and held dear to me. I haven't been allowed to speak to, hear about, or barely even see a picture of my beautiful sister. My animals were taken away, half of my family turned against me, I lost countless friends who believed the lies from my mom. She has this unnerving way about her, coming off so innocent and sweet, like I was the one who had broken her heart. All my things were sent to me in trash bags. She did not come to my own wedding. Heart breaking to not have a mom to help you put on your dress, do your hair and hold your hand the day you get married....she had my aunt let me know my grandmother had died on my wedding day as a "gift" from her..... and the list goes on.

The craziest part of this whole thing is, I miss my mom. At 17, I still needed a mom. I wasn't ready to just not have one. There were so many things missing in my life I needed from her, and I'm almost 21 years old now, and married to the most wonderful man who is my rock, and I still miss my mom. There were good days I remember, and those were days I'd sell my soul to get back. To see my mom smile, and be happy for once, and have a good day with her kids, it was a good but short lived moment. I know she's got to be sick in some sort of way, and sometimes I find myself not angry at her, but feeling sorry, because I know part of her, cannot help it. Then there's sometimes I get really angry, because I will have a person from the past contact me and accuse me of abandoning my family, leaving my sister with no contact and how I broke my moms heart, and then I remember how mean and cruel she can really be.

I have wrote countless letters begging to fix our relationship, pouring my heart out to her, and I don't get a word back. Been like this for years now. I suppose all I can do is wait, it hurts because I know Im missing out on my sister's life, and the unrelenting guilt I feel everyday for leaving my sister in that, sometimes it gets to much for me to handle. I know I should not feel like this, but its so hard not to. But, on another note, I had someone tell me my sister is happy and flourishing in school, and her relationship with my mom is a good one, and that things are somewhat normal there, so that gives me some hope of maybe one day mom will turn around, or maybe already has. I know no matter what happens I'll always be the bad guy in this, just my moms nature to label me this, but maybe things will work out one day in the future. Until then, missing my sister and can't wait for the day I can hug her and let her know I never stop thinking of her, and we can let a healing process begin ....

jcash2013 jcash2013 18-21, F Aug 15, 2013

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