I Remind Her Of My Dad

I went home to visit back East back in Sept, it's now Dec., I live in California now. Been here 3 yrs.  She basically told me I was the reason she stayed in her miserable marriage that I was the reason she was stuck.  Always tells me how horrible my father was, which he was, he physically and mentally abused her, then she says I'm just like him.  Growing up she always told me I was just like him.  The "I was stuck in my marriage" twist was just revealed to me this year.  I have cut off all contact with her because I realize that I represent so many bad memories for her and is the source of my self sabotage and self hatred.  I have to move on with my life and this is the only way I can do that.

sophique sophique
31-35, F
12 Responses Dec 10, 2009

Ok this is very eerie. This morning when I woke up, I read a posting by radio show host Michael Baesden. He talked about how damaging it is for a parent to ignore their child and it caught my attention. He placed a posting on Facebook about this. This was about 5 hrs ago or so this morning. So I check my email just now, and I get an update that someone commented on my posting from when, 2009!? here on Experience Project. About this same issue, being ignored or mistreated by a parent. More specifically I know on this posting it's that I remind her of my father, which here recently he passed away from terminal pancreatic cancer in November, the day after Thanksgiving. You'd think that the hatred and venom would stop since he has passed on but now since she doesn't have anyone to project her anger towards, it has increased against me even more. I spent the holidays alone this year after returning from California to NC to spend time with my dad just the very last 6 weeks of his life. My mother gets angry because I won't sit around and complain about other people in the family and I make suggestions to try to resolve the issues and she tells me that I "think that I know everything" and to "go to hell", two days before Christmas. Ok, fine. I bounced. I just spent the holidays alone in a hotel crying and mourning over my father's passing and the confirmation that my mother truly does hate me separately as a person, because she would never tell my aunts or sister to 'GO TO HELL." So on FB, I posted my true and honest feelings. What are the odds in the same day I get a posting response from a different website for the same issue on something I posted on the topic 3 years ago. Thank you Lord. You DO see my hurt and acknowledge that it is important and it does matter. Thank you for sending people my way who are supportive and truly understand what feels like to be treated this way by your mother. It is NOT OK, and not 'just the way it is' or 'normal'. I do deserve better, even if others fall silent as if nothing is wrong with it or it doesn't matter. And I am comfortable with my decision to just walk away this last time, and move on with my life and feel no guilt about that anymore.

And thank you everyone for your responses and a special thank you to Briassun for posting this today, your timing could not have been any better! I can't thank you enough.

Honey, I am the spitting image of my so called father, never met him, know absolutely nothing about him.. but for some reason, always a thorn in my mother's side! I have two amazing babies of my own.. they know who dad is.. My oldest is 22 very artistic, my son will be sixteen, very athletic, I love them both to death! My mother has her own issues, not mine! Let her deal with her misery, you are alive, have love in your heart and God Bless you for being amazing! You have to much to offer people, to be sad!

I have always reminded my mother of my biological father. She had me because everyone around her told her to have an abortion, and she wanted to feel she had control over her own choices. She also wanted someone to love her unconditionally. Unfortunately, she did not consider the long-term commitment a baby was, especially one suffering from pyloric stenonsis caused from her smoking while pregnant. She was both physically and mentally abusive, and eventually when she divorced my step-father for another man. She abandoned me with this man who had no real connection with me to start a new life. Maybe he kept me because my grandparents had money, or he secretly believed she would come crawling back one day, who knows? I have confronted her about this many times and she blames everything from my biological father to me, never taking accountability for anything, always being a victim. Its sad really. I believe the woman has a borderline personality. The worst part is that she has three other children, all girls, who all show signs of character pathology. I was fortunate in that I sought education and empowerment through accomplishment. I am now a therapist who helps others with similar upbringings. If you work hard, are honest with yourself, and seek help from others you can and will overcome having had this experience. Believe in yourself :)

You sound very intelligent and ready to let that go,the three little sisters need you and your positive outlook! Good for you, but let those young ladies know that they have somebody looking out for their best interests! Bless you and best wishes for you all!

Most of my life my mother was loving and sweet. She would bake us cakes when we were little and I know my father was emotionally and physically abusive to her, but she WAS very sweet to me and my siblings. Then as I grew older, got married ,got divorced had financial issues she s always putting me down and bad mouthing me to my siblings. I m a FT student and live with her, I thought it was about money so I gave her my whole scholarship check ( 2500) she was nice for a bit , then went back to her old ways. Whenever something goes wrong she blame it on me and she says my bf is just using me n says really negative things about me.

I came to understand that my mother had issues with the fact that I reminded her of daddy. I suffered and still struggle with the affects of being raised by a psycho lady.

I hear you. But, I look like my mother who destroyed our family and have been tortured by the males of the family ever since.

My mom always looked at me and saw my dad, whom she hates. I have low self esteem because of it. I am 21 weeks pregnant now and I don't have time to feel drained by her anymore. She constantly gets defensive to no avail when we discuss anything deep and relative to my upbringing. She accuses me of blaming her, after reminding her I am stating facts. She has guilt and hatred and anger that I have felt was mine because she projects it onto me. <br />
I told her she has to deal with her problems, I am fine. Finally I was able to stand up for me today. I feel torn regarding our future. I am uncomfortable when I am with her. I don't feel like I can be me. She has status issues and paranoid issues too.

Yeah, after the big blow up back in Sept, I just shut off all contact completely. She emailed me at work for a month buggin the sh*t out of me, even had her sisters call me too, and I told them to stop or they were gonna make me lose my job, which they probably secretly hoped for so I'd have to move back East they are salivating at that thought but that's another ball of yarn that I will discuss maybe on another posting separate from this one.

Haha. My mom found out that I had got 'bad mom' books from the library (specifically about emotional blackmail/manipulation), and it really set her off. But I believe she knows what she is doing somewhere down in her, and it sets her conscience off when anybody says something about it.

SHE is the source of all of her suffering, you are just conveniently her daughter. I'm glad you found that book that discusses the issue of Narcissistic mothers, I hope that things get easier with time. Anyways, I believe that family are the people we choose, not the ones we share DNA with.

Hi Ruby, thank you so much. It's very comforting to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this problem. I want to recommend a book to you, and anyone else reading this post that I'm currently reading, it's called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride. The book discusses Narcissist Mothers. It talks about how to go through the process of coming to grips with not having a normal relationship with your mother, and how to prepare yourself for a life separate from them so that you can begin to heal and thrive based on how YOU feel about yourself and not get your feelings and your mother's tangled together and how to begin to have a clear view of how you should feel about yourself.

hey. . .. i'm sorry your mom is not there for you. <br />
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i speak from experience, i've had to make the decision to just stop trying to have a relationship w/my mom, because she only criticizes me, never supports me - - <br />
only recently i realized she has been the voice of negativity throughout my whole life, and i don't like to place blame - but i wonder why is it that i have such low self-esteem? <br />
<br />
you summed it up very well - we are both alike in that we have to move on with our lives . . . <br />
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((note. i am trying to be a totally different mom, to my two girls. . . than my mom was w/me )) i wish you well. .