I'm Doing All That I Can

She's a half sister.
When I was born, she didn't want me in the house, because she was 13, and assigned the job of the unpaid babysitter(and my mom was very rarely home). She wanted me dead.
My mom would force her to drive me to school(daycare) and, sometimes, take me home if I was sick, or pick me up at the end of the day. I guess that probably cut out a lot of time that she could have spent being a normal teenager.
I was a weird kid. I was not cute, and not child-like, which is not something that people like. People like cute kids, not depressing ones. Her boyfriends hated me, too.
As I've grown up, my parents have come into more and more money, meaning that our lives are nicer than they were when she was a kid. I know that I have it better than most of the world. She tells me that I deserve non of it, and I suppose she's right, but I feel like where I live is not my fault.
Sometimes, she and I are like best friends. I know I must have made her teenage life miserable, so I'm trying to make up for it now, and be as nice to her as I possibly can. She, sometimes, really likes me.
But then, people tell me the things she says about me. She tells them about how whiny I was as a kid, and how needy I was, and how weird. She tells them about what a spoiled brat I am, now.
I'm trying so hard to be as nice as I can. I really hate the fact that I kind of ruined her life by being born, but what can I do?
I think that she is very angry. People need something to take their anger out on, because they can't bottle it up forever. Maybe I am what she needs to take her anger out on. I'm letting her use me as an outlet.
I'm trying as hard as I can to be as lovable as possible, and it isn't working.
Maybe, someday, she'll stop hating me.
Hrmg Hrmg
13-15, F
2 Responses Jun 5, 2012

When I got divorced at 27, I moved home with my two children. I thought my sister who is two years younger would be a close friend. She never visited; she never invited me out with her and her husband (who had a great number of friends)...sometimes when I would see one of her friends, they would say why don't we ever see you. The truth is that my sister does not want even to be around me. There was a recent event that was very mean that she did with my other sister. That was it. I no longer want to be ignored and treated like this. I have not spoken to either sister since August of 2013. It is troubling though. I even have dreams that reflect how painful this is. My daughter has said to me that she doesn't understand it. I think I have come to accept this and not blame myself.

none of it is your fault, your mom gave her those responsibilities, not you and shes taking it out on you. to me it sounds like she needs to grow up and you need to stop being hard on yourself, you were just a kid. you deserve just as much as she does. if i were you, id tell her to stop blaming you for her short comings, cuz again, it was not your fault her parents made her do those things. all she is trying to do is make you feel terrible about yourself and it is working which is why she still does it. f!ck, it was over 10 years ago! tell her to move on or go to therapy.