Boy It's Hard Bein the Mother of a Teenager

i have a 16 year old daughter who is so beautiful. but ever since she was 13 1/2, she has been doing everything she can to kill my spirit. and there have been a few times when i actually thought she had succeeded.

my little girl was going to be the one in my family who made it, and i was sure of that. she was such an easy baby~born by c-section where i was awake, she was my fourth live birth. the three before her were all boys, which is what i always told myself~if i ever had a little girl, i wanted her to have at least 1 big brother.

she loved school, she was so loving~i never saw it coming~~~ the teen years~

when she hit 13, she started getting SO independent. i let her go to weekend activities sponsored by local churches and other "safe" organizations.

then she got arrested for assault at a church function.

then she got raped one night when i thought she was at the YMCA, and she was really out with her little buddies getting drunk.

i later found out that she had been getting drunk every weekend for several months~i wouldn't know because i let her spend the night at her friends house, and [i thought] this friend was safe.

boy was i ever wrong!

then the school she was in was having problems with gangs, so i pulled her out of that one & transferred her to another. same problem there, so i was going to home school her. that was fine at first, but then the district informed me that i was not having the credentials to home school her. so i had to scramble to get her into school at an alternative school, because it's the law that she must be in school. her old schools wouldn't take her back because i had taken her out under the "no child left behind act" and so i put her into this "ghetto" school, which i later found out had no academia whatsoever.

she was, for some reason a very angry young lady, and at the age of 14, she got on a bus one day and went to seattle.

i had no idea where my baby was; we hadn't had any argument or anything, i was frantic worrying about her as it got to be midnight and she still wasn't home.

then at about 3:30 a.m., i got a phone call from a "safe house" in seattle telling me that they had my girl and that she was safe.

she stayed there for about 3 days; according to her, she wasn't coming home, ever! i was a horrible abusive/neglectful mother. and she picked a fight with me on the phone while a counselor was listening~made it sound like it was the continuation of something that had been ongoing, but it was not. as i already said, everything had been "fine" when she'd left home.

after a few days of no freedom, she decided to humble up and come home.

shortly after coming home, she told me that she hated me and wanted me dead. her words were actually "i'd go to jail if i kill you, so why don't you just kill yourself?" it became her mantra and i heard it over and over again.

she refused counseling, (in our state that is allowed~at age 13, a child can refuse any treatment they want and there is no recourse for the parent).

at the same time as all this was developing, i was also having trouble with her then 17 year old brother who had been stealing and experimenting with drugs.

since then she has run away so many times i can't even count them.

last march she decided again that she hated me and when she went to school, she told the nurse that she had overdosed on ibuprofen. nurse called me, i counted pills, all there. i asked to speak to my daughter, she [my daughter] said " i hate you you ho! i hope you die!".

she got cps involved,  all charges were dropped, case was closed as "unfounded". but because she didn't want to live with me, i let her stay with a classmate and HIS family~during which time she got pregnant and had an abortion.

after 3 months, she got tired of that mom too, and decided to come back home. of course, i let her, thinking everything would finally be ok. of course, it wasn't and she ran away again and again.

she just recently was arrested for residential burglary which was more like a home invasion and she is so lucky that is all she was charged with. but she is on probation and for the most part, things are ok, but i am waiting for the other shoe to drop. she has put me through so much and i haven't went over nearly half of it in the interest of keeping this as brief as possible.

so i know what it is like to feel like you are no good at this, the hardest and most important job in the world, and hope against hope that we make it through these years.

i also discovered that girls are much harder to raise than boys.

breezybidj breezybidj
46-50, F
9 Responses Feb 14, 2007

Well, your child may have some mental issues. Did you support her emotionally after her rape? Sometimes how a parent reacts, even though you may not have meant to hurt her, shes young and emotional, so she took it all wrong. She and your other children are still beautiful and lovely children you raised, but unfortunately they are their own people. They ultimately decide who they are going to be. My brother resents my mother over the mistakes she made that greatly affected him. They don't have a good relationship. She has apologized, she loves him, but it's complicated. I forgave my mother, I understand she was just a person and just because someone is your mom doesn't mean they are miracle workers. They too make mistakes. They too have problems and they too handle things just like the rest of us. I tell my mom all she can do is forgive herself, be happy and move on. She deserves peace. You do too. Maybe you need to realize its not you, it's her. If you did make some serious mistakes, maybe admitting them would help. Maybe something happened that you don't know, maybe she was molested and you are unaware. It can ruin a girls life. My aunt has a son who is rude, a terrible husband and father but she's a great person. You need to love her but take care of yourself also. You matter. What about dad? And to wrap up my rant, concerned about you, try counseling for yourself. You need to talk to someone. It's good to have a sound person to talk to. You need a spa for the mind to help you cope with the bad things in life.

Wow. She really needs a reality check. /:

thank you all for your kind supportive words...i hope your kids improve~ we havent gotten there yet, but we're trying. i mean shes 18 now & still here. i child proofed the house and the kids keep getting in.<br />
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I am with you all too and have two teenage girls at home. My 16 year old got arrested for hitting a police officer after I called the cops when I discovered her at a Motel 6 with 3 empty bottles of alcohol & 2 other girls & boys. I called the cops to get the room # from the hotel and she hit the cop when he was trying to calm her drunken self down. Of course she blames me for "letting" them arrest her. How could you let them put handcuffs on me? Where is the accountability? I have heard that when they say "I hate you", you are doing your job. I have a hard time with that because it kills me everytime even though I don't let her see that. I am at a point of needing to give tough love and having a hard time finding the strength to do it. She is so good at making me feel guilty, downplaying situations and manipulating me into feeling like a terrible mother and person.

I share your pain and frustration. <br />
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Tonight I caught my 16 yr old daughter in her bed at 3am with her boyfriend. Not the first time either. She's been caught shoplifting, she steals my car (and doesn't even have her learner's) often and we cant keep cash in the house because she steals it. I know she doesn't smoke, but drugs? Not sure.<br />
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I also have a 14 yr old son that hasn't gone to school for an entire week for over 4 years. Attendance Board hearings, hospitals, medications....the list goes on and on. <br />
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My daughter keeps saying she's going to kill herself and she hates me and its all my fault.<br />
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Trust me...I know how you feel! I wish you luck and I'm thinking of you.

i thought i was having a rough time.! when my daughter tells me she's going to her friends, i take it for granted she is. but after reading this stuff how do i really know? so far my 15 yr old daughter is way more work. my son just gives me attitude which i can basically handle but my daughter has cut herself with scissors at school and told me she's thought about running away. i took her to a crisis counsellor and he told me she was just fine and just being a "typical teenager". i inquired about long term counselling and he said that would be pointless cuz she'll only say what she wants and after about 3 sessions that will be enough. i applaud the 16 yr old guy for going to counselling. i personally think everyone needs someone neutral to talk to.

my girls were a breeze,my son however so intelligent,sweet and loving turns into Linda Blair in the exorcist since the age of 13 he's 22 now and still driving to the brink when the mood strikes aan eyend i just don't know why . Life falls apart in the bl<x>ink of an eye why do they make it happen ? Hang in there.

i'm pretty surprised that more people haven't submitted to this group! i know there are tons of us out there going through this crap. it's a million times harder now, i think, than in my's so much easier for our kids to get drugs and guns and to find CRAZY ways to occupy their time and minds because (in large part) they have been raised in this huge technological boom. they don't have to use their heads that much anymore...there's tons of devices to think for them. so they have all this wasted mind-space and,to me, it's like they're being led around like zombies....following whatever taps them on the shoulder. and, i dont' know how it ever became COOL to dress up like little hookers, with their giant boobs popping out (have you noticed how well endowed our teenagers are, nowadays? personally, i think it's because of the hormones they feed make them grow faster, so they can kill them quicker and make more money...i think it's the hormones in the meat they're eating that's making them so damn vuluptuous as early as 13 and 14 years old!!) i agree with you that it's easier to raise a boy than a girl. my daughter's always whining that i treat her differently than her brother; that i'm "harder" on her. my response to her: "Your damn straight, I treat you differently! I may sound like a hypocrite but, baby I didn't have to worry about protecting your brother from a buttload of teenage boys who are so enflamed with hormones they can't think of anything else besides getting their little weenies wet! I have to protect you from them AND yourself! So, sorry but, that's just the way the cookie crumbles!" I really feel for you and everything you've been going through with her. when all that stuff was happening between me and my son right before he left for college, i SWEAR, i thought i would die! it was so hard for me to PARENT him (ob<x>jectively) because, suddenly, I was being confronted with every mistake i had ever made...he was shoving all of my shortcomings STRAIGHT down my throat. how could i NOT react? how could i NOT take it personally? i think, ultimately, that's the hardest part about raising a bust your *** for all those years to love and nurture them and one day, they wake up and look at you with this evil contempt in their they despise the ground you walk on. i'm worried about your daughter just as much as i am mine. i feel it's imperative that i do something to save her life!! she doesn't like me that much and we've never really talked to each other that much but, i think the best thing i can do for her is spend time with her....give her all the love and attention she's been trying to get by doing all the RETARDED **** she does (she's also run away...but just for a day....i'd probably wanna jump off a bridge, FOR REAL, if she ran away to ANOTHER STATE, like your daughter!!!) You love your baby, there's no question about that. Stay strong, keep doing the best you can do. don't give up on her....NEVER give up on her. soon, these times will be behind us. my son is ALREADY calling me from college, telling me how "RAW" of a mother I am....that, the more he thinks about it, the more amazed and touched/inspired he is by how i raised him and his sister; that, all things considered, he honestly believes that I did a wonderful job of raising them. He's filled with love and appreciation for me, now! He left here almost not "allowing me" to see him off to his new college! we have to have faith that everything will work out for the best, in the end...we have to keep loving and KEEP being their mother, even when every bone in their bodies is screaming out to us: "I DON'T NEED YOU!!! I CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING BY MYSELF!!" I hope your daughter realizes that she deserves better than the crazy **** she's taking herself through....i, for one, am not giving up on my daughter. it helps a lot, dealing with her teenager-ness because of what happened with her brother. stay up, sister!!! thank you for sharing!! it makes me feel good to know i'm not a lone in all of this. let's keep in touch....<br />
i'll close with this saying an aunt of mine has....i love it so's how it goes: "Having children is GREAT! Just, be sure to freeze them at age 13 and remember to thaw them out at age 24!!"<br />