Why Bother

my daughter is almost 15 and my son is almost 13 and i'm pretty much invisible to them. their dad and me are divorced so they live with me mostly but they don't talk to me, they dont listen to me they hang out with their friends all the time, i never know where they are. i think they just show up to eat. i try and ask questions but all i get mostly from my son is grunts. sometimes i'm afraid to discipline them because then they will hate me
prettyinpink prettyinpink
46-50, F
11 Responses Feb 16, 2007

Here's the advice I got from my three eldest kids after they grew up and I was raising another teenager. Even if you think she isn't listening, don't stop talking. I talked my kids ears off. Seemed to me I simply wasn't getting through to them, but they said that all that time, when they just wished I would shut up, something was getting through to them. Now, that last kid is a parent and she says the same. Her son is 15 and he is rebellious, and she just keeps talking. Because she found that it worked with her. Never stop communicating. And as all those previous people have said, make sure that you tell them loud and often that you love them. They need to know it.

You've gottem some good advice, my advice--take it! Teeners are terrible. It's true, Mother Nature has them programmed to LEAVE, they hate you because they can't. In days way past, 14, 15, 16 year olds did leave and find their own way. Now our kids live with us forever. They are stifled and they know it. There are too many distractions, weed, drugs, alcohol out there for them to experiement with. My heart goes out to you, they can be insufferable. But, THIS, TOO, WILL PASS. Out of 4, one daughter gave me a wild ride, today at 30, she is a model wife and mother. She was doing all kinds of dangerous drugs and she and I even once got into a knock down, drag out REAL fight. I don't know how I won as she was cranked up on crystal and strong as an ox. But I was a mother, fighting for her kid. There is a good chance everything will turn out okay. Try to find a counselor, someone to talk you. This is a terrible time for you, you need more support than 'we' can give you with our words. Best of Luck. If you don't believe God loves you, know that 'we' do and we're pulling for you.

Thank you TLP! <br />
I'm sorry you are in this situation....i wish my kids could talk to you.<br />
<br />
PIP

SISTER! You need a healthy dose of courage! beLIEVE me, i know how difficult it is to confront these human beings....the ones you would DIE for....and deal with the sheer contempt they seem to have for us. (i SWEAR, sometimes the way my daughter looks at me makes me want to run to my room, throw myself on my bed and cry my eyeballs out!!!) but, SCREW that!!! i tell my daughter all the time that i love her enough to risk her hating me. it feels like CRAP but, i try to deal with my pain on my own. i don't do things right a lot of the times but, one thing i've always believed VERY strongly in is discipline and respect. i've ALWAYS told my children that i take the job or protecing them DEATHLY seriously (aside from the fact that they are the fruit of my loins, they're living in one TWISTED world!); and, if i wind up having to protect them from themselves, i'll do that, too. <br />
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you have to give yourself more credit. you're their mother. you gave them life. so, you've made mistakes but, it is your JOB to be up their arses!!! they may "hate" you for a while but they'll grow up and become your kids again.<br />
<br />
an aunt of mine has this saying (i love it): "having kids is great. just be sure to freeze them at 12 and remember to thaw them out at 24!!!!!!"<br />
<br />
i'm with you sister. it's rougher than anything i'd ever imagined, being the mother of a teenager. now i know what everyone's always meant when they say that!!<br />
<br />
stay up!

H-m-m-m-m they sound pretty normal ta me. Mother natures design makes em want ta flee the nest and makes em obnoxious so it won't hurt ya too bad. oh, me raised 6 one adopted. They were all different in some major way or another. Funny thing , my dad told me once ta look at them when they were 10 and they would be right back there when they were 20. Amazingly enough, even my wild ones reverted to type. P.S. Bad parents don't worry about it. Are ya making some mistakes? Sure, who dosen't. If ya are there for em when they need ya and ya love them and obviously ya do, Well then I'd have ta say the rest is pretty much a matter of stuff they and you will both recover from.<br />
A small hint here though. Discipline, done in love will never turn a child against you. Be a lot more concerned with what kind of adults they will become , than how much they fawn over you right now!<br />
Yaz a good gewl. Stick ta ya guns. Love em hard and hold em tite. Bug em lots. LoL<br />
Dx<br />
Is this easy, hell no. . . . . .

couple theories for ya to ponder .... 1) perhaps your children are suffering from some depression or anxiety type disorders as well or perhaps in their adolescent state they've recently become aware of your depression/anxiety and are unsure, perhaps even scared, how to approach you??? 2) i am not a mom, no. i am an exnanny of years and also a 2 time stepmother to 1 boy and 3 girls. i have found when dealing with ALL of these children that as long as i am firm, fair, clear about what i expect and open to them, their feelings etc. (as long as they aren't throwing fits) then i get MUCH MORE respect from them - EVERY last one of them! initially with the 3 girls i was scared to step up to the plate because they are VERY close to their mother and she refuses to speak to me (i've never had an ex - his or mine - declare their undying hatred of me - NEVER!) i finally had enough one day and i gently but firmly told them how things were going to change and what i expected in the future. immediately they all began to shower me with attention and a mysterious gratitude. i don't and did not outline EVERYthing but as each thing comes up that i feel needs to change i will sit down with them after i've calmed down and speak with them like the little adults they are (trying to be.) they really seem to appreciate this. i answer their questions and concerns - the same i'd expect of someone telling me how things were going to be. that's about all i can give ya on this one ... if i come up with any new ideas/theories i will certainly share if you'd like me to. take care of yourself and my best to you ...

PrettyinPink<br />
Yes, I think it is natural for teens to hate their parents. I also say just love them as best you can. Talk to them as best you can. You think that they are not listening but the things you say will stay with them. Tell them you love them, I think that is important. I have heard that kids like some boundaries, maybe it makes them feel loved. I don't know because I was an angry teen and I thought I knew everything and hated being told what to do. So we just have to do what we can. Don't beat yourself up, I agree, teens are tough.<br />
Cassandra

I'm a young male (19), and my parents still treat me like that although much less now that I'm going to college. But I realize they love me.<br />
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I hated them going through those years. I think it's unavoidable. Just make sure they know you love them.<br />
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Try and make sure they go to college too... As sticking around the house after high school graduation (18 for most?) is only going to lead to problems.<br />
<br />
Good luck.

dear P.I.P.,<br />
i wish that i could tell you that it will gety better son, but unfortunately it is just the beginning. AND yours started late. but i wish that you would find someone to talk to; you sound like you may be depressed. don't be so hard on yourself and remember~teenagers are not kids~they're terrorists. but it will get better someday, even if it takes a few years. its the waiting for that day that is tough. try to do something nice for yourself. you deserve it.. smile!

thank you emerald for the wisdom. i am trying to be the boss and everything comes back full circle. when their parents i will sit back and laugh as they try to tackle...

Indeed it's easy to reach this attitude when the kids get to appearing ungrateful. I have a 9 yr. old who thinks she's 25 and can talk to me the way she wants. I occationally remind her I AM THE PARENT!! I've stuck her in the corner and popped her a** on more than one occation lately. But you're dealing with teens(not so easy to find disiplinary actions as I use.) Maybe you can pick a day to take the family out as a whole, let them know when it will be, and STRESS to them they WILL partake. If you've been unagressive in the past, this might shock the kids. Then again, none of this might work. But I can tell you from experience with my parents' families, NOT disciplining or occationally enforcing rules WILL NOT make them respect you later. You say you fear that consequence now, but let me tell ya, in the future EVERYTHING that goes wrong in their lives, and every mistake or failure they bring on themselves, THEY WILL BLAME YOU AND YOUR PARENTING SKILLS!! So, with my kid, my theory is, she can blame me all she wants, but she CAN'T SAY I DIDN'T TRY!! And hey! If all else fails you can use my manipulation : " You're going to live with your FATHER!!" This might work, cause I figure at their ages they'd already be fighting you to live with him if that's where they really wanted to be!