I Love My Wife

We have been together for almost 15 years, married for 5 years. We have in my opinion a good life and marriage, also the intimate part. Even in the middle of the years with our small children (they're great btw :) ).

The thing is, I suddenly got this thing on my mind and now it seems as many things fit (too easy..?) in this image of mine...

I think my wife has a thing for women.

It started last summer. I suddenly noticed that my wife's attention seemed occupied, usually repeatedly in a certain direction. She seemed distant, and I felt as if she tried to keep this to herself. In between she alternated from overly anxious about my well being, and being annoyed, as if she was interrupted.

You guys have to take into consideration, that after years together as a couple, we know very well how the other usually acts and behave, even the smallest difference, change of mood, habits etc. are usually easily noticable.

At one occasion it was so apparent, as if she forgot, that I asked her afterwards. She denied at first, then she said she had forgotten the episode, and that the woman was fascinatingly tall etc. Nothing about any attraction or similar.

After these incidents, I noticed that her eyes often follows "the beauty" of the room. But it is also often accompanied with her scratching her wrist, touching her neck etc. She seems influenced by this.

She also "halts" if there is a beauty on TV or movie. Stops completely. I believe she used to do this before (look I mean, as many women look at each other) but now I feel she attracted, and does not hide it anymore.

For me there are other clues as well, but I feel that my story struggles in the face of reality. I have little or no proof of my suspicions, and for others it may seem as if "I may be thinking too much". 

If this attraction would be the case I would support her in every way because I love her (and I am not naively hoping for a ********* here!) , but I do not expect that any possible "hidden truth" will make it easy for us - I would expect her personality to have trouble admitting anything like this, even if I am "OK with it".

I have read many "coming out", late bloomers forums etc. and find that our situation, age etc. could easily fit such a scenario. My hope is to hear from women and men with any experience related to this.

I have e.g. many questions that I find difficult to discuss with anyone,

- should I leave this issue, even if it troubles me?

- will asking my wife further make it only worse..?

- how can I make a path towards truth..?

As it is now, I only expect this too grow and I am afraid that feelings, jealousy etc will at some point make us take a wrong turn in our relationsship,

I want to keep our good communication alive.

So, hope to hear from any of you,


Philias Philias
36-40, M
6 Responses Feb 16, 2010

I feel for you. Our experience has had a lot more unevenness. Our hormones shift as we reach mid-life, and that can alter one's own perception of internally held feelings... guilt, repressing thoughts and behaving as expected, anger over nothing in particular, attractions and curiosity of what might be/might have been... it can be like the teenage years, only in reverse.

You don't need to be confrontational. My spouse lost most of her sex drive, and that caused a LOT of stress with us. She has admitted that she is attracted to women a little more than men, but that was not really a revelation.

Like you, I noticed tell-tale signs. Her communication was conflicted, but her body language and attention was not. Sex became more frequent the more we discussed topics that touched even indirectly on bisexuality. It just turns her on. Being brought up in a pretty strict religious family it took her around 30 years to sort through her feelings, and at one point it seemed like she was going to go super-religious and celibate. What probably helped her is that she instead had decided she was an atheist and no longer felt guilty about having the feelings. That, and talking about it when we were the most intimate and vulnerable, helped clearing the path a lot.

Hi GenteelAnimal,<br />
thanks for your comment.

One way to encourage her without intruding on her psyche might be that when you notice she is noticing another woman, wait until you have her attention again and comment on the other woman - "she really exudes sex, doesn't she? mmmmmm... " or something like "mmmmmmm .. you know, some things a guy just can't deliver..." <br />
<br />
She might raise an eyebrow over it, but one message that can come across to her clearly is that you do not represent a threat to her right now. You're safe, you love her, and you acknowledge that the beauty of a woman is universal and should be so. It implies that you assume she is responding to the other woman's sexuality, but it stops short of you actually saying so. This gives your wife a way out that makes the conversation safe. Once you have started the conversation, she can continue it. Its a matter of trust and comfort level. And it may also be a matter of the degree to which she has thought this out. Just let it happen in its own time.

Dear Nukechica, thanks for your words,<br />
<br />
I have become pretty certain that she is unaware herself. This partly because I recognize what many late bloomers tell; that she thinks her response to women is very common. Partly because she would typically not identify herself with being "a lesbian". <br />
<br />
I am not pushing. I am not being jealous, and for me, the contact with people like you, reading stories etc. provides me with some balance. This as a reality does not seem scary and unfamiliar.<br />
<br />
Please, keep writing about your situation, and include your husband's side of it too as far as you are able, that is of great value for many I believe.<br />
<br />
(Tried to send you a message, but a censoring function denied it, even if it did not contain any of such words)<br />
<br />
Best regards

Philias,<br />
<br />
the problem with sexuality is that it is not so clear cut. I identified myself as a lesbian from early sexual curiosity (prior to intercourse) through my late teenage years. I personally had an awful experience that probably accounts for my late blossom in an interest/curiosity about men. When I began dating males, I still felt a stronger attraction for women in general. Today at 26 and married for going 3 years, I still feel an immensely stronger attraction for women than men, and I am struggling with my sexual orientation now.<br />
<br />
I can't suggest that you drop the subject, but if you push too hard, it can further strain your relationship, especially if she really doesn't know yet or if there is something different going on with your wife that she's not ready to share yet. Not knowing your wife, she may not be ready to accept certain thing of herself if she is. Worldwide, especially in areas of low population density, homosexuality is condemned or even criminal... there's the fear of disappointment and scorn from family, friends, religious establishments, etc. It's typical for people to first identify and accept themselves as the orientation they identify with, then share it with their loved ones, hoping for the same love and support they usually provide.<br />
<br />
As far as her distractedness/your concern of jealous, I'd suggest that you don't prod each time you notice it, but don't remain quite all the time. Some things that would work for me if I were in the closet is a simple "Hey, you alright? Thought I lost you for a minute." from my hubby, and a gentle reminder that whatever's going on, we're partners and bestfriends - even if it hurts but it's the best for us, let's discuss what's going on.<br />
<br />
Try not to be jealous, but let her know that you feel hurt when she withdraws from you, but do it in a non-blaming way ("I feel hurt when I feel shut out." versus "Your shutting me out hurts."). Ask her if the perception you develop is correct... have her validate if it's appropriate to feel the way you do.<br />
<br />
To erebus's point - if she's feeling insecure/depressed, she may look at other women wishfully. I'm not sure about the NY Times study, but if I were to explain why they observed women responding to m/f relations, the thought of see another female pleasured is arousing, it's not the male that arouses me. I've been in many a gay bar in NYC, where they commonly play m/m adult videos. I've never found myself responsive to that whatsoever. F/F however... :-)<br />
<br />
Best wishes... hope this helps.

Hehe,<br />
thanks for your comment.<br />
<br />
I am so not into the ********* phase... No, actually, even if it is a common fantasy thing, I know how it would feel in real life. Too unlikely it would materialize with a successful outcome.<br />
<br />
But I know her responses and her way of behaviour quite well. When these change or clearly respond to something or a situation she denies, I get curious.<br />
<br />
It is not like she is hanging out with lesbians, but apart from that, I have began to see details in another perspective, and cannot avoid to see that they all fit "you must have known she had the tendencies way back..."<br />
<br />
But, that is part of the speculation part. Another thing is what I see and feel.<br />
<br />
I have read a lot of experiences, from both sides of the table, but are still looking for people with experience from this kind of situation. <br />
<br />
It is like a classic adultery/unfaithful dilemma situation - I am doomed to fail if I suggest this is the case, if I am right or if I am wrong, the resonse would be total denial, and maybe devastating. I just wait and see, and seek knowledge on this in the meantime.