Why Nice Guys Finish Last - Advice For Men From A Man

Taken directly from AskMen.Com:


This week's Q&A looks at why nice guys finish last. Is your wussy behavior driving her away? David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, has your answers.



reader's question

Hi David,

Last year I was dating a woman for several months; in fact, it was close to a committed relationship. We had fun together and had great sex and everything. Then, all of a sudden, she left and went back to her former guy, a jerk who doesn't treat her even remotely as well as I did.

How do you interpret her behaviour? Is she still interested somehow or what? Is there, according to your experience,  any realistic chance to get her back (i.e. to trigger her interest and attraction again)?

Thank you for your help,

A.H. Zurich, Switzerland



david d. responds

Let's start with the definition of the word "wussy,” shall we? This word is a combination of the words "wimp" and another word that starts with the letter P. In other words, a wussy (or wuss) is a guy who tends to behave in a wimpish, submissive, weak, and needy way.

The problem with being a wussy is that women are never attracted to weakness and, thus, they are never attracted to wussies.

Never, ever, ever.

Now, a woman might marry a wussy because he's either "nice" or the best she can get, or maybe he has a lot of money, or he has courted her for so many years that she finally gives in. But the thing is, she'll never feel genuine attraction for him because nice guys finish last.

You see, women don't choose who they feel attraction for. Bam -- it just happens.

Now, one problem that a lot of guys have to face is that turning into a wussy can happen over time. You start off on the right foot and then gradually turn into a wuss with a woman -- and that makes attraction start to go away inside of her.

When that happens, a woman will tell her friends: "I don't know what it is... but for some reason lately he's just annoying to be around." Even if they're not consciously aware of it, it bothers women when a man that's interested in them acts like a wussy. In many women, wussy behaviour actually triggers negative emotions the same way that "manly" behaviour triggers attraction.

Of course, the worse things get (and the more annoyed a woman becomes) the more likely a man acts like a total wussbag. It's one of those vicious cycles that usually ends with the woman leaving and the "nice" guy sitting there wondering what he did wrong. Nice guys finish last. Thinking that maybe, if he had just been able to tell her how much he loved her, that she would not have left him for that other abusive jerk.


Now to address your specific questions:

1- "How do you interpret her behaviour?"
I interpret her behaviour as natural and very predictable. If you act like this again in the future, the same thing will happen again.

2- "Is she still interested?"
Yes, she is, but not in anything more than being your friend. Your actions and communications have killed the attraction that she felt for you. This is something you're going to have to deal with and take responsibility for. You turned into a wuss, and now you're paying the price.

3- "Is there any realistic chance of getting her back?"
Well, this is a sticky question. There is a chance, yes. But here's the problem: Probably 90% of the time when I tell a guy how to get a girl back, he totally screws it up. He doesn't do exactly what I say, and, of course, he makes things worse in the process.



stop being a wuss


The main thing is, focusing on getting her back will not only lessen the chances, but it will also keep you from moving on in your own life -- which is actually the very best thing you can do right now. Ironically, the way to give yourself the best chance of getting her back is to not try. Instead, go date other women. Make yourself scarce in her life.

In other words, you're never going to make her feel attraction for you again by staying in touch, being her friend, being the nice guy, and by trying to "win her over" again. Nice guys finish last. It would be awesome if things worked that way, but they don't. And the irony of your situation is that this girl was probably just as bummed out as you were about this whole thing happening. Women hate it when guys turn into wussies.

I know, I know, she did things that made you turn into more and more of a wuss. It's her fault too, right? Wrong. Women just do this stuff to test you. They're not actually trying to turn you into a wuss. But when you become one, she realises that she can't trust you to be a man, and she has to go.

Remember, she's not doing any of this to hurt you. She's only doing it because she wasn't getting the feelings that she wanted with the nice guy version of you, and now she's getting them from Jerk-Boy.

The solution, as I mentioned, is to stop calling your ex. Stop responding to her quickly. Stop being her wuss friend. Move on and stop being so available. Start dating other women immediately. Not in a few days and not next week -- do it now.

And if you find yourself thinking about her and wanting to hear her voice, slap yourself. If you're feeling weak, have a friend do it. And when you do wind up talking to her, say the following: "Calling for more therapy? No-can-do... I have to run to the gym to get in shape for my hot date on Friday."

Also remember, in this world, thinking "I was a nice guy" doesn't cut it. Attraction has a totally different set of rules, and if you want to get and keep an attractive woman, you'd better learn them -- or finish last.

This article is sponsored in part by DoubleYourDating.com (What's this?)

David DeAngelo is the author of the book Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, and several other products that can help men become more successful with women and dating. He also publishes a free online Dating Tips newsletter, available at www.DoubleYourDating.com.


QUESTION FOR READERS:  Do you agree or disagree with the author of this piece?  Why or why not?

deleted deleted
4 Responses Sep 10, 2010

I would say that overall, I agree. But, I would distinguish between 'nice' guys and 'good' guys. In the US right now, it's probably true; if you want to get more action, then turning into an aggressive, devil-may-care dude is probably the way. Women in the US are so tired of metro-sexual, nice guys who have potpourri in the bathroom. He lets her take the lead, and never ob<x>jects to anything she decides. A 'good' man will tell her what he thinks and why, and not put her p*ssy ahead of what he thinks is the right thing to do or something that he really needs (or thinks she really needs). As they say, 'a good man is hard to find', and so, for that matter, is a good woman. We need a lot less 'sex and the city' women who are living lives of victimhood by assuming the right male will somehow make them happy (if only he would see everything as she does...). And, while p*ssy hunting is fine for a while, men need to start looking for women who are respectful, smart, and kind.

I agree Arty. A relationship is a two way street and if women aren't willing to change their behavior and perceptions as well, then they must accept the bed that they lie down in. I can't tell you how many women I meet who believe that it is the sole responsibility of another person to make them happy and confident in themselves.

Men, you can be selfish and nice at the same time. The trick is to decide which is the right strategy. It will take some trial and error, but anyone can learn how. Best of luck to all the men out there; it is indeed a jungle.

this is a repost of a womens view of nice guys and badboys she is actually 4 the nice guy<br />
an essay written by Julia Serano called “Why Nice Guys Finish Last.”<br />
…I would argue that “nice guys” are generally read as emasculated or effeminized men in our culture. In a world where calling a man “sensitive” is viewed as a pejorative, the very act of showing respect for women often disqualifies a male from being seen as a “real man.” Isn’t that interesting and sad?<br />
Heterosexual women always say they want to meet a nice guy who treats them with respect, but then somehow they end up dating some loser who only cares about his own needs. We’ve seen this play out in movies and in real life. Our friends have done it. We’ve done it. Our single moms have done it. One may ask, “Why do guys act that way?” but it may in fact be better to ask, “Why do women allow men to act that way?”<br />
If your relationships finds you with a series of men who act like ********, you need to ask yourself why you acquaint yourself with these men long enough to call what you have a relationship. You should ask yourself why that great guy that you’ve known forever but only see as a friend hasn’t made it on your “sexually attracted to” list. Why are the rude, moody, aggressive guys so appealing? Why is your idea of a “real man” not so nice of a guy?<br />
If the men you chose to date as women are ********, what do you think that nice guy who’s totally into you will think he has to do just to get you to notice him? If the only guys who seem to excite you are the ones who are emotionally unavailable and/or physically domineering, why would the sensitive, physically unthreatening guy even bother with you? What good is it to say that you want a “nice guy” when all you accept as attractive are “bad boys?”<br />
If what we really want is a “nice guy“, then we cannot allow ourselves to continue to date and have sex with “bad boys” sends a message to the “nice guys” that in order for us to be interested in them, they have to treat us badly. And why would we want to send that message? If we keep lowering the bar on what kinds of behavior is acceptable in relationships, why would our partners have any incentive to raise it? If we let people use us; if we put ourselves in a position to be used, people will take advantage of that. But if we demand to be respectfully treated as equals, our partners will do so (and anyone who doesn’t won’t make it to a partner- status anyway).<br />
Nice guys don’t finish last because they’re weaker. The only reason “nice guys finish last” is because we give the “bad boys” an unfair advantage. By accepting their behavior, we make it easy for them to abuse us. If that guy you’ve been obsessing about hasn’t called you for a week- forget about him! Don’t allow him to be “mysterious.” Allow yourself to see that he’s not interested and find a guy who is! If what you want is a guy who’ll call you when he says he will (a “nice guy“), why would you accept someone who does the opposite (a “bad boy“)? It’s about time that we realized that real men are nice guys.

Finally! Someone has said what I've known all along! Men are attracted to a woman's looks and women are attracted to assertive men. It's basic to ALL of nature. Survival of the fittest. At least I know why I'll die alone. LOL

Nice guys may supposedly "finish last", BUT I feel as though we always finish Best. And I mean TRULY well-meaning and decent hearted individuals. Not the half-assers by situational advantage.