Why Nice Guys Finish Last - Advice For Men From A ManTaken directly from AskMen.Com:
This week's Q&A looks at why nice guys finish last. Is your wussy behavior driving her away? David DeAngelo, author of Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, has your answers.
Last year I was dating a woman for several months; in fact, it was close to a committed relationship. We had fun together and had great sex and everything. Then, all of a sudden, she left and went back to her former guy, a jerk who doesn't treat her even remotely as well as I did.
How do you interpret her behaviour? Is she still interested somehow or what? Is there, according to your experience, any realistic chance to get her back (i.e. to trigger her interest and attraction again)?
Thank you for your help,
A.H. Zurich, Switzerland
david d. responds
Let's start with the definition of the word "wussy,” shall we? This word is a combination of the words "wimp" and another word that starts with the letter P. In other words, a wussy (or wuss) is a guy who tends to behave in a wimpish, submissive, weak, and needy way.
The problem with being a wussy is that women are never attracted to weakness and, thus, they are never attracted to wussies.
Never, ever, ever.
Now, a woman might marry a wussy because he's either "nice" or the best she can get, or maybe he has a lot of money, or he has courted her for so many years that she finally gives in. But the thing is, she'll never feel genuine attraction for him because nice guys finish last.
You see, women don't choose who they feel attraction for. Bam -- it just happens.
Now, one problem that a lot of guys have to face is that turning into a wussy can happen over time. You start off on the right foot and then gradually turn into a wuss with a woman -- and that makes attraction start to go away inside of her.
When that happens, a woman will tell her friends: "I don't know what it is... but for some reason lately he's just annoying to be around." Even if they're not consciously aware of it, it bothers women when a man that's interested in them acts like a wussy. In many women, wussy behaviour actually triggers negative emotions the same way that "manly" behaviour triggers attraction.
Of course, the worse things get (and the more annoyed a woman becomes) the more likely a man acts like a total wussbag. It's one of those vicious cycles that usually ends with the woman leaving and the "nice" guy sitting there wondering what he did wrong. Nice guys finish last. Thinking that maybe, if he had just been able to tell her how much he loved her, that she would not have left him for that other abusive jerk.
Now to address your specific questions:
1- "How do you interpret her behaviour?"
I interpret her behaviour as natural and very predictable. If you act like this again in the future, the same thing will happen again.
2- "Is she still interested?"
Yes, she is, but not in anything more than being your friend. Your actions and communications have killed the attraction that she felt for you. This is something you're going to have to deal with and take responsibility for. You turned into a wuss, and now you're paying the price.
3- "Is there any realistic chance of getting her back?"
Well, this is a sticky question. There is a chance, yes. But here's the problem: Probably 90% of the time when I tell a guy how to get a girl back, he totally screws it up. He doesn't do exactly what I say, and, of course, he makes things worse in the process.
stop being a wuss
The main thing is, focusing on getting her back will not only lessen the chances, but it will also keep you from moving on in your own life -- which is actually the very best thing you can do right now. Ironically, the way to give yourself the best chance of getting her back is to not try. Instead, go date other women. Make yourself scarce in her life.
In other words, you're never going to make her feel attraction for you again by staying in touch, being her friend, being the nice guy, and by trying to "win her over" again. Nice guys finish last. It would be awesome if things worked that way, but they don't. And the irony of your situation is that this girl was probably just as bummed out as you were about this whole thing happening. Women hate it when guys turn into wussies.
I know, I know, she did things that made you turn into more and more of a wuss. It's her fault too, right? Wrong. Women just do this stuff to test you. They're not actually trying to turn you into a wuss. But when you become one, she realises that she can't trust you to be a man, and she has to go.
Remember, she's not doing any of this to hurt you. She's only doing it because she wasn't getting the feelings that she wanted with the nice guy version of you, and now she's getting them from Jerk-Boy.
The solution, as I mentioned, is to stop calling your ex. Stop responding to her quickly. Stop being her wuss friend. Move on and stop being so available. Start dating other women immediately. Not in a few days and not next week -- do it now.
And if you find yourself thinking about her and wanting to hear her voice, slap yourself. If you're feeling weak, have a friend do it. And when you do wind up talking to her, say the following: "Calling for more therapy? No-can-do... I have to run to the gym to get in shape for my hot date on Friday."
Also remember, in this world, thinking "I was a nice guy" doesn't cut it. Attraction has a totally different set of rules, and if you want to get and keep an attractive woman, you'd better learn them -- or finish last.
This article is sponsored in part by DoubleYourDating.com (What's this?)
David DeAngelo is the author of the book Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women, and several other products that can help men become more successful with women and dating. He also publishes a free online Dating Tips newsletter, available at www.DoubleYourDating.com.
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