Why Bother?

This feeling haunts me continually, it is there when I wake up, there throughout the day, there when I go to sleep.  It has been for as long as I can remember.  The pain, the loneliness, it has worsened if anything over the years.  The only time this urge hasn't haunted me was for three glorious months when I found my one and only, my angel.  Was she perfect?  Of course not, in point of fact there were certain things about her that ordinarily would have been quite repellent, yet I found myself at first tolerant of her quirks (both physical and personality wise) and soon came to love those quirks as they made her so unique.  For the only time I can recall in my life, I did not feel that painful void in my chest, I felt I had a purpose, I had an urge to live that I had thought lost permanently.  What happened?  The same thing that always happens to anything I do in life, I was blessed with something special and I screwed it up, I moved too fast and frightened her away.  Now the void is back and deeper than before, the pain so intense that I can barely breathe, barely function at times, it has worsened over the last couple of years since that brief respite.  The only thing which had held me back was knowing it would hurt her and other people in my life, now that no longer holds me back from seriously considering and planning it.  Counseling has been useless, drugs have been useless, its always there and it always grows stronger, I've struggled with it for so long and I am so very tired.  Is it such a selfish desire to want this to stop after so long?  Is there some way I can make family and friends feel what I feel, to at least comprehend this black pain that tears me apart?  I think I may even have found a way to soften to blow, I can make it look like an accident.  Thus instead of hurting those I love by leaving them questioning why I would take my own life, they think it an unfortunate accident.  I do not want to lie to them, but at the same time do not want to burden anyone with my problem, I see no way to do both.  I don't want to hurt them yet I can't take this pain any longer, one or the other must happen.
FranzJosef FranzJosef
26-30, M
3 Responses Jul 6, 2007

This sounds just like me. I've been dealing with depression since i was a child. It never ends, everyday is a battle and I'm just so tired. I feel like I bring everyone down with me so I never talk about it which just makes it worse. I want to just let it all go, make it all stop. I've thought about the whole making it seem like an accident too. Because I really don't want to hurt my family and friends but I sincerely think they are better off without me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like im out of options. But although I don't wish this upon anyone else, It's nice to know that someone knows how I feel.

Also, if you have found counseling and medication useless, then I would suggest this means you have yet to find the *right* therapy for you. Keep looking, there is still hope, find the right person to talk to :)

Try these thoughts on for size, and see what you think... :)<br />
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This pain, this void within you is a message, the strongest message that your deepest self can give your conscious self. It is saying this: that your purpose in life is to love, and to love well. To do that you need to be alive. The message is *also* that you have to clean yourself up emotionally, build strength and joy into your life as a solid core, so that you can bring strength and joy to the person you love. Do not wait till your next opportunity arises, whether or not it is with your Angel or someone unexpected - be ready in advance. I would suggest you are not listening to the pain correctly. It does not want you to end it. It wants you to begin your path on what you were meant to, with the conviction that the pain is driving you towards strength, joy and love. It is a message of hope - every time you feel it is, is love wanting to happen, not death.<br />
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Anyway. Some thoughts for you to consider.

Thank you for have taken time to post this...