The Next Career Steps For Paula Abdul, Ph.D.

Paula Abdul is ridiculous, but people like her. Probably from a distance, sure, and you wouldn’t want her to babysit for you. But when your resume includes stints as a senior class president, Laker girl, choreographer to the stars, award-winning musician and the least intelligible judge on the U.S.’s No. 1 talent show... well, there’s no denying the appeal of a drug-addled, crazy Hollywood woman. From afar.

So what’s next? I’ve been wondering this ever since Paula announced her sudden resignation from “American Idol.” In fact, I invested tens of dollars assembling a crack team of Hollywood insiders and scienceterrific-doctorist types to help create some facts and make up some figures about Ms Abdul’s next steps. I present the results:

1. Next season's “prize” on "The Cougar"
At 47, Paula is prime meat for “The Cougar,” a reality TV show in which a bunch of young dudes pursue a much older woman. Paula’s got the chops: Through the years, she flirted with most of the much-too-young boys who sang their sweet little hearts out on “American Idol.” If that’s not enough, remember her much-too-public secret tryst with one-time contestant Corey Clark (aged 24 at the time).

Memorable Paula quote to keep in mind as you consider her for the job: “I think it would be great if there were no age limit.“
 

2. The latest host on “The View”
I highly recommend Ms. Abdul to you, Ms. Walters. Soft lights do for her what they once did for you. And if you think Elisabeth Hasselbeck has insane, incoherent and stupid opinions, just wait until Paula opens her mouth: Not only are her ideas nuts, she’s likely to slip into her native tongue of Crazy. She has the qualities you seek: Mouthy, vapid and, uhm, that’s it.

Memorable Paula quote to keep in mind as you consider her for the job: "Simon gave me advice he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon finds the corn flake always finds the melon, and one of you didn't pick the right fortune."


3. The host of A&E's “Intervention”
Let me be blunt: The current crop of interventionists on the show pretty much anchor this series... if by “anchor,” I mean “Keep it from reaching for the sky to reside where it belongs -- among the stars!” America simply doesn’t care about your former addicts or pastors or doctors: WE WANT PAULA. She brings glamour, she brings crazy, and (best of all) she brings well-founded experience. The best “Intervention” for your show’s addicts?  Subject them to Paula’s jib jab -- they’ll be scared straight.

Memorable Paula quote to keep in mind as you consider her for the job: “I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs. Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying and or doing drugs that could have done that."

4. The host of “Wild On E!”
Dear E!: I know you keep killing this travel show. And we’ve all heard you’ve threatened to resurrect it with Tara Reid (which, technically, makes you a terrorist). Do the world a favor and please consider Paula to host the next incarnation. Hell, you can save the budget and skip the travel part: Just keep the camera on Paula 24-7, because we all know what she’ll be wild on -- E. And on E! You know what I mean...

Memorable Paula quote to keep in mind as you consider her for the job: “It wasn’t a trip to Hawaii, it was a trip to save my chihuahua Tulip... she didn’t even realize I was trying to save her.... I had my high heels on, and I didn’t see her, and then at the last moment, I went ‘oh my god!’ and I went to step over her and went CCCHHH!”

5. The governor of Alaska
Apparently, the job of leading America’s winter wasteland is not that demanding: Have a winning smile, speak in an unfocused, loopy fashion, and (when managing to finally utter something) present some truly random ideas, whether or not they’re apropos to the discussion at hand. Following up Sarah Palin is a tough job, but my money’s on Paula!

Memorable Paula quote to keep in mind as you consider her for the job: "Although it's a level of difficulty, you made it sound so effortless with ease, and I am so glad that you showed a beautiful vulnerability and if you are great in front of the guitar and leaving it down, that I, you know, there's something -- first of all, one thing that I was kind of -- I was kind of surprised you picked that song, but when -- well, first of all, you're like this bright light in this competition. You -- you've got a sensitive side to you, got a total spicy side to you, you are real, you've got to keep going. It's great. And you have this presence. You know, minus a couple of bum notes from everyone we've seen so far this season, you all are unique and different. And what I'm loving about this season, you're -- you have such a great instrument. You're musical.”