"not To Sound Like A Jerk, But..."

Lately anytime someone starts a sentence that way I know exactly where it's going. They are going to tell me "I'm glad he's gone."

I was engaged for a while and, as you can imagine given the name of this experience group, it didn't work out. It was one of those relationships which, when it was good, was really good, and when it wasn't so good you'd be better off facing an alligator than trying to live with the craziness. I like the guy, as a matter of fact I still love him as a person, but that's not enough to make a marriage work. I realized that, and I was at least somewhat able to cope with it, so I was the one who called it off.

People in my life knew how much in love we'd been, how hard we'd tried to make things work, and how devastating this had been for me. It had all constituted a huge risk for both of us on many levels, and when it ended we both lost big time. It took a while for him to make arrangements to move out, and the fact is that both our lives suck so badly that we don't have a lot other than each other's friendship. Lately he doesn't even listen a fifth as much as he complains because he lost more in this process materially than I did, and that's a shame because my other friends are really chafing me.

I'm so tired of people being quite obviously happy that I'm single again. Why are they so happy about the fact that I just LOST my primary relationship, which up until very recently had seemed like the biggest, most wonderful blessing of my life? Why are they so happy about the fact that now I'm alone again, with no one to even take out the trash when I'm overwhelmed, much less to construct any kind of a future together?

One possibility is that they saw how much the relationship hurt me once it started going downhill and they're glad that's over. But if this is a matter of empathizing with me, they should be able to see that it's not all hats and horns and celebrations. This is one huge, huge loss. I'm actually really depressed, and they KNOW that. If I'd had a spouse who died after a long illness, would they be saying "I'm glad he's gone, now you don't have to visit him at the hospital anymore"? I doubt it.

A more likely possibility is that they're either glad not to be hearing about the problems I'm trying to solve in relationship to him, or glad that they have greater access to me now that he's more or less out of the picture. In other words they would rather see my engagement fail and watch me be crushed if that's what it takes for them to have frequent, lengthy but entertaining conversations about inane, meaningless garbage (or in some cases, *their problems*) with the old, single me.

Big tip for those who still consider themselves my "friends" - if you are prefacing something by saying "not to sound like a jerk, but..." you're probably being a jerk and should think a little more about what's about to come out of your mouth.
kkfinejustfine kkfinejustfine
31-35, F
Sep 6, 2012