I Really Can't Help It.

It's just sheer paranoia. I was bullied as a kid, so naturally I have this constant fear of people hating me. I feel like if I don't present myself just right, I'll leave a bad impression or get on someone's nerves. 

I was sort of in denial about this for a while, but I just got done talking on the phone with somebody I don't know too well, and it finally hit me: the entire time I was on the phone with that person, I was terrified that they would dislike me. Am I annoying? Is my lisp too noticeable? Do I have a horrible southern accent? Do I come across as boring? What if they hate me when they get to know me? Am I leaving a bad impression? 

I always compare myself to other people, and I feel like I'll never be as good as them. My first thoughts with anybody I talk to are "How does this person compare me to their other friends? Am I good enough for them?" I always think that everybody else they know is more fun and interesting than me. Men/women that are energetic, attractive, funny, sweet, popular, interesting... It scares me to think that I am worse than them. I feel like I've always been second-best to my friends. (As in: they'll be friends with me, but when they find somebody else they'll have an excuse to push me down to the next tier. It's happened before.) I always feel like I'm a burden to my family/friends, and the only reason they even speak to me is because they feel like they have to. They'll feel bad if they don't talk to me because they know I have very few friends to begin with. 

Yeah, I know it's unrealistic. Using the logical side of my brain, it sounds like sheer bogus, and I know you're thinking the same thing. However, I CANNOT stop thinking this way. It's how I'm wired. 
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2 Responses Mar 17, 2012

I am also like you. Try to turn off the negative voice in your head when you 'catch' yourself beating yourself up about what others think of you, switch to another topic that is productive, like what you want to accomplish in your career, or offer to volunteer to help others less fortunate in life than you. That's an instant gratification high, knowing that you can be helpful to someone else. A hobby - do you have any? Anything that gets you out of your head.

you and I share the same condition.... whenever I find the clue about it, I promise you, you'll be the first one to know about it