I Really Can't Help It.It's just sheer paranoia. I was bullied as a kid, so naturally I have this constant fear of people hating me. I feel like if I don't present myself just right, I'll leave a bad impression or get on someone's nerves.
I was sort of in denial about this for a while, but I just got done talking on the phone with somebody I don't know too well, and it finally hit me: the entire time I was on the phone with that person, I was terrified that they would dislike me. Am I annoying? Is my lisp too noticeable? Do I have a horrible southern accent? Do I come across as boring? What if they hate me when they get to know me? Am I leaving a bad impression?
I always compare myself to other people, and I feel like I'll never be as good as them. My first thoughts with anybody I talk to are "How does this person compare me to their other friends? Am I good enough for them?" I always think that everybody else they know is more fun and interesting than me. Men/women that are energetic, attractive, funny, sweet, popular, interesting... It scares me to think that I am worse than them. I feel like I've always been second-best to my friends. (As in: they'll be friends with me, but when they find somebody else they'll have an excuse to push me down to the next tier. It's happened before.) I always feel like I'm a burden to my family/friends, and the only reason they even speak to me is because they feel like they have to. They'll feel bad if they don't talk to me because they know I have very few friends to begin with.
Yeah, I know it's unrealistic. Using the logical side of my brain, it sounds like sheer bogus, and I know you're thinking the same thing. However, I CANNOT stop thinking this way. It's how I'm wired.
deleted 26-30 2 Responses 1 Mar 17, 2012