My TurnaroundEver since I got over my bad break up with my psychotic, abusive ex-boyfriend, I've been trying to pick the remaining pieces of myself and glue them together, to try and fit myself back together. What really kept me going were all these goals that I was setting for myself and I became obsessed with them. I would start with short goals, but eventually I started thinking about my long-term goals and planning each step that I would take in order to get there. You might think that there's absolutely no problem with doing that but it became an obsession; an addiction that I couldn't shake away and it was eating away at me again. A monster used to abuse me. I thought I escaped but I've become that monster and I am now terrorizing myself. Each time I wasn't able to reach my goal or I thought I would never reach it, I would be really tough on myself to the point where I'd hold myself crying myself to sleep, while shaking and snot-ing all over my bedcovers throughout the night. The only point where I had peace was when I eventually fell asleep but the nightmare would return once morning came.
Here's my story. I wanted to get into grad school for psychology and I made all the necessary plans and steps in order to get there. I originally was ecstatic with motivation and enthusiasm at the thought that I was getting closer and closer to my dream. I put a couple things on my list: Be a research lab assistant, be an executive in the Psych Club, and maintain my grades. It was do-able at first and it gave me fire that I was able to continue feeding. Then, I began to notice that other people were doing more than I was, so I joined more than 2 labs, became an executive, and tried to get my grades all above A+. I became obsessed with being the best person I could be in preparation for my future and I began to lose track of the present. I only thought of how terrible i was doing compared to others, of how my dreams were gone, of how i suck and would never achieve those grades. I forgot how to live. I forgot how much beauty there was in enjoying the small tender moments of everyday life. This life of success and seeking it consumed me. I realized that as humans, we naturally seek things which please us, but as soon as we achieve our goals, we are never satisfied because we always want more. A child doesn't stop at one candy once he has a taste, he wants two, or three, or four. It got overwhelming about a week ago to the point where I broke down suddenly. I realized that a whole year of my life seemed to have disappeared because of my addictive greed to succeed and be better than everyone else. I stopped and thought, "what's the point of life? Do we study as hard as we can, get the degrees we want, the jobs we want, then retire and die?" I didn't want life to be pointless. I wanted memories and moments which I would cherish forever, knowing I would always want more. I wanted to be satisfied with what I had and I knew I would never achieve that by constantly craving success.
Now, whenever i see someone else stressing about their grades or about the uncertainty in their future, I tell them my story. I tell them that it's not worth it and that the best time of their life is right now, in this very moment. That when someone smiles at you and you don't know who they are, smile back. Surprise them. Seize the day and live every moment in life to the fullest. As Dumbledore once said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live."
oliveinthecloset 18-21, F 1 Response 3 Jan 6, 2013