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Top 9 Civil War Generals Who Rocked Their Beards

It's long been my dream to create a list of Civil War generals who rocked their beards.

But first, an admission: Had I found someone who fit the parameters of this contest and happened to rock the name "General Beard," he would have won.

But, alas, the Beards did not lead folks to their deaths during the War of States' Rights to Enslave People, so I had to depend on Science to determine rankings. After much analyses and mathifications, I produced a clear and final winner. 

Well, "winner."

Starting from the very bottom:

#9: General George McClellan


General George McClellan, creator of the "soul patch" that haunts our hipster populations to this very day, couldn't win a battle, couldn't win a presidency and couldn't win this contest. And still can't. Science says no.
 

No. 8: General Tecumseh Sherman


General Sherman may have rocked Atlanta, but he ain't rocking his beard, and so he ain't winning this countdown, and he ain't happy about it.
 

No. 7: General James Lane


General James Lane, who takes the seventh position by default if not by personality. He doesn't really "rock," per se. Let's call it "strum the one-string tub bass." Or whatever you mountain people call that thing.
 

No. 6: General James Terrill


General James Terrill? Who the hell is General James Terrill? He doesn't seem to know, either. Nice chops, but not enough to rock with ZZ Top. NEXT!
 

No. 5: Lieutenant General Richard Ewell


AKA, "OLD BALD HEAD." Seriously.

Well done, sir, well done! Golf clap, golf clap. Science gives you 6th place! What? No... don't be sad. Please. Okay, okay, ssshhh... you rock, you really do, so we'll give you 5th place. Just don't tell General James Terrill.
 

No. 4: General George Sears Greene 


General George Sears Greene, Rhode Island's most illustrious Civil War general, rocks a really, really sweet facial do, but he's from Rhode Island and that won't do. Get it? Do? Oh god.
 

No. 3: General J.E.B. Stuart 


General Stuart had it rocking out, dangerously so. True fact: The volume of his beard would have encased his face and suffocated him in his sleep, were it not for all that pig grease he combed through it. But his West Point classmates called him "Beauty," and he let them do that, which leads Science to believe he grew his beard not out of pride, but out of shame. Shame of his dashing good looks. And that, sir? That cannot abide in a list of Civil War Generals who truly ROCKED their beards! 
 

No. 2: General Ambrose Burnside


The front runner! Of course you thought Science would just hand General Burnside the No. 1 spot. He gave us sideburns, after all. But Science, like Magic, cannot be explained.

But if I were to guess... well, he's trying just a little too hard to win this contest, and I hate it when someone really tries to win. He rocks it, but he rocks it like Poison, or Warrant – which is really, really mean to say, but there you go.

And so, without further ado (a do? OH YEAH I DID DO IT AGAIN)...

The Civil War General Who Rocked the Most Awesome Beard:

No. 1: General John Bell Hood


Somewhere in the afterlife, General Hood's armed with a six-string, jammin' on stage with Jerry Garcia, George Harrison and Kid Rock. Really makes you think, don't it?

 

dudedrama dudedrama 36-40, M 46 Responses Jun 5, 2009

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If you like beards so much, why do you have a ski-mask on your chihuahua?

yes, i think this is interesting... beards have become less fashionable after the Enlightenment, whose prominent figures were almost all shaving... so shaving became much more like a trade-mark for being enlightened or modern... i remember our history professor telling us how Peter the Great of Russia, after becoming somehow under that impression, imposed a "bread tax" on those who still insist on having one despite his drive toward modernisation at that time... i guess it has kind of persisted since then, but probably in a more covert way...people may still pay a price for having a bread, particulary if they aim at something visible on the public or private stage.... thanks for sharing...

yes, i think this is interesting... beards have become less fashionable after the Enlightenment, whose prominent figures were almost all shaving... so shaving became much more like a trade-mark for being enlightened or modern... i remember our history professor telling us how Peter the Great of Russia, after becoming somehow under that impression, imposed a "bread tax" on those who still insist on having one despite his drive toward modernisation at that time... i guess it has kind of persisted since then, but probably in a more covert way...people may still pay a price for having a bread, particulary if they aim at something visible on the public or private stage.... thanks for sharing...

I think Gen. Burnside has the best one

What about Stonewall jackson? He rocked a hell of a beard!

where's lincoln? he was commander and chief after all....

Everyone missed:

Admiral David Dixon Porter!



His image fails to paste here, so I will put it in My profile images.



Bad photo of J E B Stuart. His beard was quite good.

Photos come from http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/cwphtml/cwphome.html.

http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/cwphtml/tl1861.html

The site can be confusing, give it time!

You didn't consider Fitzhugh Lee? Earl Van Dorn? Sam Grant? James Longstreet? A.P. Hill? Dan Sickles? Back to class buster. And giving a six-string to a one-armed, no legged man? He's rocking, cause he can't stand!

James Longstreet wasn't in the line up but he did have a big ol'beard..they all looked impressive to me..cool post.

i am missing General Hooker. After all, he gave us "Hookers girls".

I can't believe Longstreet did not make the list either!

http://www.usa-civil-war.com/Longstreet/longstreet.jpg



Lee's is just a little too dignified and orderly while chamberlain was rightly left out of a list of beards. Old Sideburn Burnside also suffers from beard deficit disorder but his nomenclature contribution deserves mention in any story of facial hair.

James Ewell Brown (J.E.B.) Stuart deserved to be #1! But what of the slave-owning Union General Ullysses S. Grant and the Confederate non-slave-owning General Robert E. Lee?

James Ewell Brown (J.E.B.) Stuart deserved to be #1! But what of the slave-owning Union General Ullysses S. Grant and the Confederate non-slave-owning General Robert E. Lee?

James Ewell Brown (J.E.B.) Stuart deserved to be #1! But what of the slave-owning Union General Ullysses S. Grant and the Confederate non-slave-owning General Robert E. Lee?

James Ewell Brown (J.E.B.) Stuart deserved to be #1! But what of the slave-owning Union General Ullysses S. Grant and the Confederate non-slave-owning General Robert E. Lee?

I can't wait for the book lol

Haha this was very well done, but...

I think General Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain deserves a spot. He has sort of a "ferret 'stash"

http://www.danregion.com/Photos/Road_0096_chamberlain.jpg

Thanks everybody! Happy you liked it! :)

If there is an award for Story of the Year, this takes it! Brilliant on so many levels...I'm in awe.

LMAO Good one!

I like men with beards. :)



BTW my circle of friends call a "soul patch" a "flavour patch" lol ;)

Altho as a fellow Texan, I do appreciate the honor you embellished Gen. Hood with, I guess I didn't understand the parameters of the contest. For me the most beautiful Civil War (AKA War of Northern Aggression) general with or w/o a bear was without a doubt Robert E. Lee! So elegant, so handsome. Of course, the vote for WORST CW bear has to go to Pres. Jefferson Davis for that pathetic goatee.

LMAO! I like this story, it's cool. The beards are also cool and funky. I loved General Ambrose's beard the best - I wonder why people don't wear theirs like that anymore.

Nice. (Does someone have a little too much time on her hands?)

Those are some funny beards. #9 gets my vote for the best cuz it is the most tame.

That was great! Fun and interesting to boot!

I think Gen. Burnside should have won. You clearly show a possible link to the term "sideburn" from his name.



If getting your name altered and into the dictionary and lexicon of modern man doesn't get you #1 science has failed us. Remember, science can be explained or it is just a theory.

WOW where did you find all these? They are amazing. I notice not one of them is smiling!!

Great stuff, thanks. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx :)

I don't understand why most of them have their hands in their jackets?



Nice work, thanks

There is no way Gen. Stuart is not #1 on this list. No way. Haven't you seen him BEFORE he grew the beard?

What? No General Robert E Lee? That guy rocked that beard and we know it.