Maybe It's Because..

sometimes it's hard to express what we think/feel in words...words can only say so much, give a sense of what actually is... way too much slips through all the gaps in between the words... and sometimes because you know that, it seems futile expressing your thoughts or feelings... you keep it all inside even when it threatens to overwhelm you...

that's how it is with me .. pretty often... more frequently of late... it's come to a point where i don't even want to say anything anymore... because it doesn't do anything at all.. some people believe everything that's wrong knowingly just so they can think badly of someone else because that's the only way they can feel good about themselves.. and with these people there's just no reasoning...

i seem to be surrounded by many of such people.. to the extent it's made me question if I am the root of the problem...but.. is it wrong to oppose gossip..cheating..falsehood...hypocrisy...all these things that entertain them...since when did it become normal to lie, to ruin reputations, to pretend, to hurt, to break relationships? Since when did audacity become a virtue akin to courage? Since when did being manipulative equates to being insightful?

I understand why... i can see how what was shaped what is... but.. is this it then? accept that the constant state of jealousy, instigation and conflicts is the only way to live? I suppose it's also wrong of me to think that people should choose to do right instead of wrong, especially when made aware that they've been wrong all along? There's no need to be better? Just be contented with all the flaws because your flaws are you and to hell with the rest of the world?

i'm ranting i know... but i'm distressed.. it's 3am.. my mind's still reeling... my name's being dragged through the mud by some of the most conniving people i've ever known.. people i care about...people i want so much to respect..i haven't done anything wrong, i've only spoken truths and i'm being ostracized...it hurts... but on the other hand, if belonging means i have to adopt and subscribe to your values, i don't want to be a part of your culture... it's lonely though.. now more so than before.. i dunno why...i need to meet new people.. new faces who share the same values as i do.. people to whom integrity and loyalty are important... people who constantly want to be better and are gracious enough to want me to be be better too... people who are courageous enough to stand up against injustice...

i just want to walk away from all of this.. i've been here too long it feels like... but i can't completely let go because the egotistical me wants to be vindicated.. i don't want to be like this... i don't want it to matter any more... i want to walk away... cept i dunno where to go...and i hate being alone...