If I Can't Do This, I Can't Do Anything

If I can't do this, I can't do anything.  Thats what I told myself when I made myself call someone who used to be my friend.  We had a really bad falling out two years ago.  It tore me apart because she was my oldest friend, and the closest thing I ever had for a sister.  We were friends for fifteen years.  Our homes were second homes to each other, and her mother treated me like a second daughter.  When I lost her as a friend I entered the deepest depression I had ever known.

A year and half after our friendship ended, I called her.  I just needed to talk to her.  Either to fix our friendship or get closure.  I was terrified.  I truly believed she didn't care about me at all anymore.  She can be the most indifferent person when she no longer cares, and I didn't think I could take the pain of her indifference.  I had tried to call her so many times before, but never was brave enough to finish dialing her number.  One day I told myself, "If I can't do this, I can't do anything."  I called her, terrified.  When she answered and I started talking, my voice cracked and I started crying.  She was afraid I was in trouble.  It was nice to know she still felt concern for me.  She didn't talk to me indifferently, and we both talked about what happened between us.  We both admitted we could have done things differently, and she said she was glad I called.  I thought that maybe we could start our friendship up again after that conversation, but she never called me back later.

Even though I didn't repair our friendship (which I didn't really expect it to be fixed anyway) I did manage to bring peace between us.  If I had not just gone for it and forced myself to call her, I would have never gotten that closure.  I hope she lives a happy life.  I will always love her and think of her as my sister.  At least because of that conversation, I now know she is leading a happy life.

SerenaDragonfly SerenaDragonfly
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 15, 2010

That was a huge step you took- congrats! And you never know what may happen later. I had something extremely similar happen to me- including talking a couple of times. But we weren't really friends for 15 yrs. Then we just randomly ran into one another out at the store, and BAM! It's almost as if time never left us. We just needed to grow & learn how to handle things differently. The timing wasn't right for us the few times we talked w/in those 15 yrs, but God knew when the timing *was* right. She's my bff & we are not losing one another again!