Unmotivated

Lately, i cant seem to do anything, and anything that i do complete never seems to be good enough or well done.  Usually i am the kind of person that leaves things to the last minute, and then ends up doing it and doing a pretty good job, but now i leave things to the last minute, and then i don't even do them.  Its like i have given up hope of anything.  Even the things that i really love aren't getting done.

I have always liked getting high marks in math, and so i am taking calculus and math 12 at the same time, and i was hoping to do really well even though it will be hard, and i did do my math homework everyday in the week before the test, and i got only 50% on my calculus test and i probably failed my math test.  I was supposed to do an essay on functions for calculus class, and i am good an essays and i could have done a good job, but i didn't do it.

Last night, i asked my mother if i could use the computer to do it, because i was starting to feel just a bit motivated to do it.  She said that she just need a couple more minutes on it, because she was trying to fix the computer in some way, so i waited.  I asked her again for the computer and when she said to wait a little longer, i just decided that i didn't want to do the project anyway, and i decided that i wanted to go to bed.  She did end up getting of the computer, and i could have stayed up and done my essay late into the night like i always used to, and then go to bed feeling proud of myself for accomplishing something, but instead i just went to bed, and couldn't even fall asleep for a while anyway.

I think i might not being trying so much anymore because every time i try i dont do as well as i think i am going to, so i think that i dont want to bother trying anymore, but if i don't try, i wont get anywhere, and then i will never feel good about myself. 

I don't know how to get out of this whole i have trapped myself in, but i think that i will only focus on a couple of things at a time.  I am thinking school, eating, exercise, sleep, and work, and nothing else.

innerself000 innerself000
18-21, F
Feb 15, 2010