I Think Too Much But Then I Forget

I know that it's really selective memory on my part. So much runs through my mind at once! Sometimes I can get a handle on it but all that does is get me zoned in one place and am unable to leave it alone. I'm aware that I end up filing the thoughts away at the back of my mind and block what I choose. I have way too much anger inside.

Okay, I know it turns to depression if the anger is'nt worked out. Or whatever, such as sudden outbursts of uncalled for wrath against anyone an everybody. Which means I'm not dealing with my anger and the person I'm angry with but just blowing up to the world. And then feeling guilty.The guilt goes back there with the anger, the parts I have amends with hangs around like pain but gradually goes away. I'm not really clear on whether the guilt goes through the anger before I send it back to the back where the depression is. In My head. My way of seeing and handling situations even if I do it in ways that contradict myself. I don't feel I'm a hippocrite as much as just behaving in a nonconsistant manner. Okay I know I'm inconsistant. I scream and curse then sing and praise. I know that. Sometimes I'm silent. Sometimes I zone out to a good place in my head and nobody understands and they say" Pay Attention!" And I will say "Huh?"

I have thought and forgot about so many issues and have done so for a long time and now I really don't know for sure if I even trust myself. I wear myself out emotionally and if I'm lucky I'll go right to sleep to escape. But you always have to wake up and I know I might feel good or bad for the moment, my moods change without notice. So it's good or bad for me, or good or bad for others and sometimes I don't even know if we are ever on the same side!

Okay, I've said what I might know. But I wish I knew how to fix it. I'm disillusioned with others, I'm disillusioned with myself. I know someone has said the same thing as I have but I had to say it myself.
BCBoomer58 BCBoomer58
56-60, F
8 Responses Aug 10, 2010

Wow… this sounds eerily like me… some think I'm bipolar. But perhaps there is just too much **** that needs blocking out every. single. day.

I think one of the thing's that I allow to work me up is acceptence. Other people want me to accept them no matter their qurk's or mood but cant show my depression the same respect. Do I like having depression, of course not but right now it IS a part of me. I am slowly comming to term's with a couple of thing's. One, this is me right now and I need to accept myself more and fighting myself less. Two, treat me the way you want me to treat you, or just stay away from me. And third, my brain is not a computer with unlimited memory so stop trying to cram so much into it cause I cant keep up with it all. I am getting better at dealing with myself. I will shut up now.

Hey Boomer. <br />
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Thanks for responding to my Adult ADHD post. It meant a lot to me to know that my story inspired you to try harder. I wanted to comment on your post. Emotional ups and downs are such an ADHD thing. I go through the exact same thing. My father calls it a 'quick temper'. The thing is, have you ever gotten angry and been unable to turn it off? That was what happened to me. I would get angry lightening quick and start screaming and in my mind I'm saying "stop it. Stop It!" and I couldn't. Then I'd get depressed because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. This was before I was diagnosed. The problem with anger is that the person you are talking too doesn't react calmly to you so you just start exploding more. Then you feel guilty and overwelmed then crash and burn after the emotion has run it's course and get depressed. It's the ADHD cycle.<br />
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To get over it, try to remember to breath and take 5-10 deep long breaths. It will help calm your emotional state and enable you to cope better, think of what to say before spouting it and even decide if it is worth it to rant. If that fails, try and walk away to be by yourself without distractions. It will help calm you down. It is okay to say to someone "I am really angry right now and need some time. Please leave me alone." Then walk away.<br />
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As to the jumble of thoughts in your head, know this. People with ADHD think fast and furious. We often interrupt people because we are afraid we will forget what we are going to say. Our eyes roam with our thoughts so when someone is talking to you, they may say "Pay Attention" because you aren't looking directly at them. We will blurt out things that seem out of the blue to someone else but make perfect sense to us because we've made so many connections with what they have said and are already thinking way ahead. We may not finish our sentenses because in our head, we already have. <br />
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To cope with this, write it down. The process of writing slows our thought process down and helps us feel more in control.<br />
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I hope that helps. I completely relate to what you write. People with ADHD are the warriors of society. Our minds move quickly because our ancestors had to think fast, have quick reflexes and do a million calculations in their heads to survive. I think my weapon of choice is the bow and arrow. What's yours?

I'm glad, littlebit ! {{hugs}}

Well littlebit,Sis, I think we can both relate!! LOL<br />
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Thanks unshakeable, you are a dear friend to me! Have a great day!!!

Its always ok for us to do anything as long as we are happy.We might sound or act silly but we are not bothered what others' think or say.Be who you are and be happy my dear friend.

Thank you Artsydesigns. I will try to take your advice or do as much as I can. I appreciate you taking time to comment. However, to be in line with my story, I find most of what you said impossible, even though I know you are right and I can be completely unreasonable. You are a nice person and sound pretty wise and wonderful yourself! ^ ^ (That's just me trying to be silly) {{hugs}}<br />