More Harm Than Good

 I think my problem is that I think too much. Even when I sleep, my thoughts are running rampant and my thought processes continue to work on life's dilemmas. So many times, I roll out of bed in the morning feeling as if I ran a marathon, exhausted and brain dead. Why do I do this to myself. Why do I worry? Worry changes absolutely nothing. I just have to accept that some things are beyond my control. I guess I am confessing that I tend to be somewhat of a control freak. Hmmm.... yes, I am. The only relief I have found is by popping a couple of Tylenol PM and knocking the destructive cycle right out of my head. I wake in the morning with a puddle of drool on my pillow and feeling refreshed. I still find myself asking the age old question, "What if ?" a lot. "What if paying the bills wasn't such a struggle?' or "What if I lost about 50 pounds?"  Truthfully, if I suddenly hit the lottery and became a sexy thin version of myself, would I still worry? The answer is yes. I would find something else to be unhappy about or something that desperately needed fixed. I might look in the mirror and see my missing cheek bones and ribs that have been hidden for years but would I see the beauty I longed for? I could pay the bills and splurge on frivilous items for myself and my family but would it be enough? Makes me wonder, many hot, young women drive around in red convertibles while tearing apart every piece of their own self- esteem yet still maintain their dental enhanced whitened smile.

Like I said...just thinking. Part of what makes insomnia my ever faithful companion.

emptyheart emptyheart
41-45, F
Feb 9, 2009