Dark Night of the Soul

My mind is my greatest asset and also my greatest hindrance. I am an adjunct college professor. My life revolves around thinking, reading, writing, and teaching. But at night, alone with my dog at the side of my bed, the thoughts do not stop. I obsess on every small mistake of the day; worry about my financial future; wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life (divorce is a constant compasion); and think of my brother, who took his own life 5 years ago October 12. In those moments, I do not feel like my mind belongs to me. I am held vicitim and captive by its every whim. Does anyone else have this experience? It is almost like I have a love/hate relationship with my mind. And is my mind me, or is there something else that makes me who "I" am (if that is even real; the Buddhist in me wants to convince myself that the self is an illusion and is what causes me to suffer, just like the Four Noble Truths teach).
tullboy tullboy
31-35, M
1 Response Sep 23, 2007

Sigh.<br />
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An old friend of mine used to refer to her mind a "dangerous helmet." <br />
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I often wish that I were back in school so that my thoughts would at least be more productive and directed. I'm now home alone with my children and my thoughts. Can you imagine? A very dangerous place to be. <br />
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Also, tied to my obsessive thinking is my habit of obsessive research and fact-checking. This reinforces the thinking habit, of course. Why? Why? Why am I like this?