Dark Night of the Soul
My mind is my greatest asset and also my greatest hindrance. I am an adjunct college professor. My life revolves around thinking, reading, writing, and teaching. But at night, alone with my dog at the side of my bed, the thoughts do not stop. I obsess on every small mistake of the day; worry about my financial future; wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life (divorce is a constant compasion); and think of my brother, who took his own life 5 years ago October 12. In those moments, I do not feel like my mind belongs to me. I am held vicitim and captive by its every whim. Does anyone else have this experience? It is almost like I have a love/hate relationship with my mind. And is my mind me, or is there something else that makes me who "I" am (if that is even real; the Buddhist in me wants to convince myself that the self is an illusion and is what causes me to suffer, just like the Four Noble Truths teach).