Not As Fantastic As Originally Credited, It Turns Out . . .

Sigh.  As the implications behind that sad expression are so profound, let me repeat it.  S I G H ! !

Just days after this group was founded, UnderEli (that's me) has been relegated to the dust bin, and safely disposed of -- with the rest of the trash -- in the Experience Project dumpster.  I never set out to be 'fantastic' to anybody here.  I'm not deserving of such high praise. 

I see the smoke signals on the horizon, and know the story that’s being told.  I don't have anything to hide.  I stand before everyone, guilty of being a lame-duck with a heart as pure and golden as molasses.
I took a tentative chance on love.  She was ready for it, and I was so shocked at her receptive response that I pulled back.  And thus the possibility ground to a halt.  My sudden hesitancy and insecurity were taken as a snub.  We'd been friends for a while and got along well.  I should have kept my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself.  I thought I was being brave with my honesty, but all I accomplished was hurting this person very much, someone I cared about and respected long before my heart-strings strummed their gentle melody into my ear.  Saying the “right thing” at the wrong time is more harmful than not saying anything at all.  My honesty was unnecessary and uncalled for.

There's a flaw in my system.  It was so deep inside of me and masked so perfectly that even I didn’t recognize it.  And when I let it out, not understanding the harm I was about to cause, the court was shocked by the Emperor’s new clothes.  He danced about, singing and waving to all.  “Look at me!  Look at me!  Aren’t I wonderful?  I love me too, more than you can!”  It was a horrible display, one even I couldn’t believe, even as I ushered it – my pride – offstage.  Was it my need to feel in control of things that are completely outside my realm, and I don’t trust letting go of, which allowed that to happen?  Maybe it's not being able to accept that good things are actually supposed to happen to me, so that when they do I immediately doubt my good fortune?

I hurt a friend I made here.  I didn't mean to, but I hurt her badly.  I'm a man, after all, prone to male foolishness and stupidity.  In that light, no one will be surprised that I hurt my friend.  It seems to be the way of the world. 
Once the first misunderstanding happened the volleys started coming.  I tried my best to speak my honest mind, to use reason.  It was interpreted as arrogance and condescension, and was met by more hurtful words and accusations.  At that point I simply stopped.  Neither one of us would benefit from continuing the discussion, which had turned from the possibility of sharing something special to accusations of who was more right or wrong, along with the value of each of our characters. 
Well, my character has no value. 
I fully accept the hurt I caused her.  That I felt hurt too doesn’t matter.  I made her feel so low and unworthy in needing to justify herself, which was completely uncalled for.  This is all due to my carelessness.  It was wrong, and I’m sorry. 
Where do I go from here?  All of this transpired within the last twenty-four hours or so.  The wounds are still fresh.  Only time will heal them. 
People have different ways of dealing with their problems.  Some drink, some exercise, some watch T.V. or talk to a friend.  I tend to sit alone with myself and not do much, my thoughts tumbling in my head like linen in the dryer.  Tumble as they will, to most of my thoughts and perceived concerns there really is no solution.  I know that sounds callous and uncaring.  The alternative, however, is to plead my case further, which I don’t believe is necessary, and would end up doing more harm than good.  Even if we made up, I would not ask her again to consider me for a relationship.
I know I will get over this.  For better or worse I have to carry on with this life.  I’m sorry people get hurt in my wake.  I do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen, but what can I do once it does, beyond everything I’ve already tried?  Flaming the fire is not an answer.
UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
Aug 14, 2010