As I Sat And Thought To Myself...

...how I was just like him. I despised his carelessness, his wrecklessness, his ignorance, his materialism, his selfishness. There is just so much more that he could do if only he cared like me...but in that moment I didn't care. I gave up caring, and in the process discovered it anew.

The thought weighed in my mind. It's not right not to care. The punishment? Some elusive otherworldly reward...or else just the peace that comes with knowing you are a 'good' person and did the 'right' thing. Those are all so subjective sometimes though...at least, they feel that way to me.

Briefly, just briefly, I thought "I will be damned if I do wrong". But for some reason, I just didn't care. And in that moment I became just like him. And in that moment I learned how, why, he can be so 'wrong'. And in that moment I learned to love him. And in that moment I realized how he was never really 'wrong' at all, just different.

We are like little floating things in a turbulent ocean of thoughts; the ocean dictates where we go, and we, whatever 'we' really is, have no control over the next logical conclusion that our neurobiology will lead us toward.

I lost bitterness in that moment. I loved the unlovable, the opposite, the 'wrong', and then what I thought I knew, like a wall protecting me and also imprisoning me, was knocked down...or maybe, just a little hole was poked through it...It is a pretty big wall and I'm sure there is much more destruction that needs to occur there.

That little hole through the wall leads to things unseen before, things unthought, things forbidden. If it is big enough, then maybe I can squeeze through there. It's a tight squeeze though, it's not easy.

Sometimes people can see through the wall. In the daytime they can see the light on the other side, but they will never really experience it, because they are too distanced from it, too separated, too differentiated, too defined, too unmoving. They are like statues. In fact, they have come to trust the wall so much, that they have, themselves, become the wall.

But I am not the wall. The wall does not define me. I may trust the wall too much, to protect me from harm, to protect me from whatever is on the other side that I have yet to find, but I am not unmoving. I am not the wall, nor even an 'inside the wall dweller'. I am undefined, open to interpretation.

Maybe they see what is on the other side and just think it is pretty, that it is a nice addition to the beauty of their fortress, but nothing they really want to get too close to. The difference that exists out there, it is nice...so long as it remains out there and does not infringe upon the wall. For me, an explorer, I must find out more about it. 

An astronomer was once asked why he studied the stars when he could sit back and appreciate how breathtakingly beautiful the night sky was instead. He replied that he appreciated the beauty of the night sky just as much as his friend, and that he also appreciated it on an even deeper level by seeking to understand it.

I am like that astronomer. 
shannonymous shannonymous
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

Wow. Awesome insight.

Anything I add would lessen it.

LOL you are too kind