Suicidal

I attempted suicide back in August of this year. I am very depressed and a mother of four kids. I don't want to hurt my children and at the same time I know that even though they will never completely heal it will get easier for them. I am always so so so hurt. My pain is so deep I can't explain it. I feel like I am sitting in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to hear me and it's as if I am just a spirit and no one can hear me at all. Everyone is so used to me crying all the time that now they just leave me alone and never ask if I am ok or do I need anything. I know that I would never ask for anything but even the questions are now gone and it is making me feel even more unworthy. I wish my husband would listen to me but he don't. Well he doesn't take me seriously. In August I was prescribed Effexor, Clonapin, and Topamaz, one for depression one for anxiety and one for severe headaches. I went to the store and bought a new PJ set a pad to protect my bed in case of deffication and some adult pull ups for anything my body would release. I took all of the Calonopin in the bottle which was about 30 of them and then I crushed up all of the full prescriptions of effexor, topamaz, motrin 800 and about 6 vicodin that I had left over from an injury. I put the crushed up meds in a bowl of ice cream. I took a shower after I swallowed all of the Colonopin to make sure I was very tired first and then put on the new pj's and then ate the icecream. I made my bed up and went to sleep. I woke up briefly in the hospital 3 days later to my husband and a nurse washing and rolling my body and then was back unconcious. About three more days had gone by when I came around and I was so mad . I was pissed at my husband because I new he called 911. I spent three weeks at the psychiatric center and he visited one time for a family meeting. He is only keeping me here so he does not have to take care of these kids, because if he really cared then WHY won't he be open with me, why does he always brush me off as if I am insignificant. I am exauhsted, I have two boys with autism and a 16 year old daughter, my oldest who is 18 lives with his dad in another state, I work full time and I am in school full time. My husband works two jobs and sleeps when he is home. He thinks that because he works outside this house considerably more than I do, he is justified to withdraw and always use the excuse he is tired. I do not want to go to a counselor or a psychiatrist because I start going to a couple visits and then stop and I don't stop going because I think I am better I stop going because I just don't feel like it. It is 2:44 in the morning right now and I am supposed to be doing my homework. The only reason I am up here is because I realy want to just take the keys to my car and go sit in the garage with the engine running. I have no one!!!!! other than my children I can not leave because I will take myself from a bad situation to a worse one. I am so over it. I love hard and and get little in return. There has got to be more to life than this. Everyone always says there is but I haven't seen it yet. Dear God Please Help Me. My kids are not even enough right now to make me not want to do this. Am I alone? Does anyone else feel this way? Do you know anyone who was this down and out and made it through? Please don't tell me yes just to ease my mind I truly see through that. Please be honest with me. I have very little hope and honesty is my best friend right now! I am sorry this is so long, I am not in a good place.

Kdwilso2 Kdwilso2
36-40, F
Dec 8, 2012