The Weakest One of All

I thought I was tough. i was never riddled by thoughts of loneliness as a teen. I had friends in high school; quiet a few as i look back. I was the funny one, the one who made jokes and never seemed sad. My friends admired my capacity to be alone and not mind. i didn't pine for a boyfriend, nor did I feel ashamed at being a virgin.
But, now as I look back. I was the weakest one of all. Because, Iwas afraid to be close to another person be it friend or other. I am still to this day a virgin, only I have no friends to admire my toughness now. The very thought of getting close to another person scare the hell out of me. and so I sit day after day, alone (though as I said I never feel lonely)in my house. When I do go out it may as well be a mission to an alien planet.  People talk and laugh and seem so; wonderfully human. I would envy them if I could comprehend what it is they have to be envious of. I alway thought I was tough because i didn't need anyone, only now do I realize that allowing yourself to need other people is what makes you tough. Only problem is that I only know this intellectually. it seems the disconnect of my intellect from my emotions is greater than I realized. I sometimes wonder if there is any hope for me at all.
DarkPhoenix DarkPhoenix
31-35, F
2 Responses May 18, 2007

I was the pretty one in school. I attracted many a boyfriend but grw bored with them quickly. I had really great friends who would have done just about anything for me. Now I don't even get in touch with them. I've outgrown them or something. It is now so hard for me to interact with any of my three friends. Only one is understanding of what I am going through. The others are are wonderful to talk to but not on a deeper level. The one who truely understands me is sometimes hard to get hold of. She really is important to me.

Yeah, it might be a good idea to start with having someone to share your feelings/thoughts with, so that not everything is locked up inside you. Becoming more open to people will make it easier for you to feel comfortable approaching people as they accept who you are. If you need someone to speak to/share thoughts with feel free to message me. It is not easy to become more social/gregarious when one doesn't have anyone to entrust and speak to. And keep in mind; you are not alone. There is hope! ....Good Luck!