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A Life Full of Pain,bitterness & Struggle...

In the beginning Life was been unfair...when my biological mother gave birth to me,i was having an amoebic dysentery.Since I was the fifth child,she dont have enough financial capacity to support my hospitalization.Maybe she want to save my life or just simply get away from the responsibility,she decided to coordinate with the social welfare to find a family who can adopt me.She knew the process since 3 of her kids was been adopted legally.I grew up without knowing that I was an adopted child.though my foster parents was able to support my needs,was able to send me to school.Yet the feeling of being different from my sisters bothered me.I know my foster mom tried her best to treat me like her real daughter but deep in my heart I now there something wrong.At the age of 8,I heard rumors from the neighborhood about me that Im an adopted child,through my playmates though im hurt but I ignored it.I still dont have the guts to ask my foster parents about it.Though sometimes I can confirmed it on the way they have treated me when me and my other sister fight.My foster dad always scolded me even just a simple mistake.They bought me new clothes only on special occasions like birthday and Christmas.And when my foster mom get furious on me she end up hitting me with a bamboo stick or a guava tree stem.I grew up longing to be owned because I felt nobody really own me.When i was in college I heard my foster dad talking to his old friend about me as their adopted child.it really hurts me but still I keep on denying it to myself.I cant hardly accept the reality.In silence I often cry,I grew up crying in silence.

At the age of 17 I was able to give value to the man who showed interest on me.In my thoughts maybe I can find happiness in him.He was our boarding house tenant.He was 21,gorgeous and funny.I found him very interesting and thoughtful.Without any hesitation I surrendered myself to him.Only to find out after a week that he's leaving to another place to work.But he promise to be back and I believe him.We exchange snail mails,call him on phone.For 2 years I was hopeful for the fulfillment of his promise.I was been so faithful in him though I dont have enough assurance of his return.But only to find out that he already have another girlfriend.it hurts me so much but I have to move on.I was so hard for me to move on,he was my first love.Though I tried to make friends on other guys and eventually courted but I end up refusing their courtship.Maybe because of depression I was sick.i was diagnosed with tuberculosis.I thought it was the end of the world for me.Since it is a communicable disease I have to stay away from people while treatment is on going.Then again I felt so helpless and hopeless,so alone.But I cling on to my faith in God.I knew in my heart that I can surpassed all of these.6 months of treatment was successful.And I was very grateful to God for healing me.

I go on with my life with so much hope in the future.I have finished college and I felt so much fulfilled with myself for the first time.but still the feeling being owned keeps on bothering me.I want to have my own family.And i met this guy,he have many similarities with my first love.i was attracted to him.We go on dating and again gave my trust in him.Thought it was for real but after few months I have found out that he stowed away because he's other girlfriend was pregnant.He went away to hide since he's gf was haunting him for marriage.it hurts me again but I have learned to handle myself that time.But still hopeful to find someone who will love and accept me unconditionally.And maybe that time the only way for me to forget the hurts I have been through is to open my doors again to another relationship.I met another guy but I no longer expect something good from him like my past relationships.That time I only want to have a baby whom i can call my own,never mind if I dont have a husband.I just want to have a baby.But I have found out that he was already married.So I have no choice but to end the relationship with him.It hurts but easily cope up with it since I have taught myself not to expect.Until I met this guy whos really nice and unlike my past boyfriends he's not really gorgeous yet he's very smart and vain.I really like talking to him coz I can learn so many things from him,he's a teacher.Like me he have been through a lot of hurt in the past so he was afraid of committing himself to someone.Yes we are dating but no commitment.It was his idea but I cant understand why,I thought he really dont love me enough.But I tried to make the relationship work out.He was the first man I have introduced to my foster family,and even thought he was the man I have been waiting for.Out of my insecurities I can no longer hold on with that kind of relationship,I want a commitment,an assurance but he cant gave it to me.he still have many things to achieve in life.I love him but Im hurting myself more if I hold on to the relationship.We parted ways yet we still became friends.It really hurts me in silence when I found out after few months that he's dating another girl.I regret why I let him go.And again it was so hard for me to move on.

My bestfriend  who was my officemate was the one who keeps on comforting me.I dont have much friends coz Im just a homebuddy.She was always there to encourage me,to make me laugh.She was always been there for me.I told her all my failures and frustrations in life.without knowing that shes a lesbian.I dont give malice of her being extra thoughtful and caring to me.Until such time when she confessed to me that she likes me.though I was in shocked but I managed to understand her.She's the only person who made me felt very special.she have loved me unconditionally and it wasnt hard for me to love her too.For the first time I felt being owned.being cared,being understand.Though my foster family was against our relationship.I stowed away with her and we live together in another place.But when her father was sick we need to go back to our place.We still hold on to the relationship though many are judging us.It is not acceptable here in Philippines.it really hurts coz I have found the person whom I want to be with for the rest of my life but still theres a hindrance of having the same gender.She really makes me felt that I am everything for her,We have a lot of things in common.For me she was my bestfriend,my sister and my lover.I couldnt ask for more.Our relationship was put to test when we donate blood for his father it was found out in my blood test that I have Hepatitis B.I felt the whole world strikes me.I thought again it was the end of everything.I told her I will understand if she will leave me.But without a second thought she told me that she will stay forever with me.That was the happiest moment in my life,one person accepted me as a whole.And it made me love her more and more.After a year her father died,and left her the responsibility of sending her brother to college.She needs to look for a greener pasture so decided to accept the well compensated job though its far from our place.I need to go with her so again we live together.I left my foster family and my job.After a year our relationship was been put to test.It all started after their house in our place was burnt to fire.Maybe too pressured with all the responsibilities of sending her brother to school and giving her mom and brother a shelter,she was able to turn another path.She was having an affair with our common friend.Yes our common friend is also a woman.We often fight because she always comes home the following morning from work.She just go home to take a bath and change clothes.I tried to hold on because I love her.But it reached to the point that I can no longer bear the pain.So I went home to my foster parents.They have forgiven me.She still communicate with me and ask me to came back but I told her She have to choose between me and our common friend.She said she choose me,so I accept her back but told her I will no longer live with her.I will stay with my foster parents.I thought shes really over with the affair of our common friend but I caught them together in her pad.I let her choose if I will be the one to go away or she will let the other girl go away.She choose to let me stay,but I told her I can no longer forgive her.Though it will turned my heart into pieces of letting her go I have decided to end up the relationship with her.And she decided too to choose the other girl over me.We parted ways  and thought it was the end of a beautiful love and friendship.Right away I have changed my mobile number to stop the communication.But before that day ends I received a call,she find ways to get my new number.She asked me to meet her in the church.She have realized that she cant imagine herself living without me.And she said ifI wont show up on the church @ 7pm it means that we are really over.And because I really do love her I showed up and were back to each other again.She finally ended up the affair with the other girl.

The relationship went smoothly again.We have plans for the future.We were able to get our own house,car,things of our own.But we encountered another test on the 7th year of our relationship.I met this guy on the net,he was 4 years younger than me.I ignored him but he was really very interested in meeting me in person.He often give me a call,text me,and even send me a mail.I tried to refused but the longed of having a baby haunts me again.I dont want to hurt her so I met up with the guy in secret.but she was able to find out about us.I tried to explain it to her but maybe because she was deeply hurt she cant forgive me.She broke off with me,it hurts me a lot but maybe things happen or a reason.So I decided to let go of the relationship.I have decided to go on with the relationship with the guy.But after a month she keeps on calling me trying to win me back but I have decided to live straight ahead.She have done so many things to win me back but I really am determined to change my life.But I was diagnosed of having stones on my gallbladder.And again I felt pity on myself but I did not lost hope.I was advised for an operation.I have really asked God to make me strong again.Continue to have faith in Him.The operation was successful.Again God gave me another life.And after a few months my boyfriend decided to stay with me.he left his job in their place.I thought it's a start of a renewed life with him as my future husband but it turn out a miserable life with him.I was left with more debts because he want able to find a good job.He left their place because he get away from his responsibility of fatherhood.Yes he left his pregnant girlfriend.but when he have realized his mistakes,he left me.And I have found out the truth through his brother.it really hurts me so much.And again the only person who comforts me is the person I have hurt so much.Yes, my bestfriend accepted me again.She accepted me again with open arms.She have helped me forget about him.Though Im now in the point of giving up but she keeps on encouraging me.Though I have a lot of unpaid debts now and those people I owed are haunting me but she never leaves me.I realized how blessed I am to have her but because of the financial crisis I am facing now I want to give up life but deep in my heart still theres hope.Yes theres still hope as long as your heart beats for love.I keep on praying to increased my faith in God so I can surpassed again these challenges in life.I know the mercy of the Lord will come to rescue me.Maybe I have so many frustrations,hurdles,trials,bitterness in life but my hopeful heart says I must go on.

HopefulHeart HopefulHeart 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 4, 2008

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hi! i believe that anything in this world has a reason...........CHEER UP bcoz ur special.....try to think more possitive may be it helps u a lot, just always smile ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,soon you'll be found what u want..............keep smiling ..............having life is beautiful