It is 2013, January 16th. Wednesday morning. I'm awake for school, but I hate the mornings. I recently moved out of my hometown in September. I wish I can go back in time, if you know what I mean. Looking back in the past makes me wish I can change all the bad moments and turn them into some special lubby dubby moment.. I moved out of my hometown after I got out of a relationship. I think I'm broken or something. It still hurts. Lately a lot of guys have been into me, trying to lure me into their complicated life with buying me expensive stuff and other **** I'm not into. It's weird. I have had a boyfriend since my last relationship back home. It didn't work out. My relationship back home was amazing.. well at least I thought it was. He was my favorite piece of the pie, the valuable thing people keep away from the rest of the folks. Jeez, I fell in love flat on my face. Nobody caught me, I was left to smack and bounce on the cold hard ground. Well, I guess that's how life treats you at some point. It still hurts.. I can honestly sit down and cry about it whenever I feel I need to. Imagine being best friends with someone for months then suddenly you two have an amazing first kiss, you end up sharing your most deepest everything with him. You two are always together like two fingers crossed, he gets angry when other guys hit on you or trying anything just to chill with you for 10 minutes longer. On all honestly, just standing beside gave me that unexplainable feeling of happiness. One kiss could make me dizzy and high off his scent. My insides turned silky and hot, melting for more of his love. My head was full of skits of random happy endings or just the basic of us chilling out somewhere and sharing more of us together. I feel as though I could never love again.. I tried. My recent ex fell in love with me the second day we were dating. I guess he likes my way of living, looking at things outside the box, or just my insanely sexy bod haha. I dislike being the same as people. Sure some of us have things in common, but that's as far as it will go for me. I don't have anything in common with my siblings or my parents, except for the appearance. Hmm.. well back to my ex. It was my first relationship since the beautiful past relationship and it was, weird. Like, seriously all he wanted to do was chill with me and hug me, kiss me. I hardly knew about his life, I love talking. Only when I feel like the person should know about me. I talked about my childhood, where I have travelled, everything besides my past relationship. I still hardly knew about him. Some days I didn't want to hang out with him, or I just wanted to be with friends or family. He would get mad at me.. yell at my face.. call me down about my life or tell me I'm a ***** about everything. I was not a ***** about anything. He was. He even made me burst out crying by how much pressure he was putting on me. I don't want to get into details. So I dumped him. I put up with his bs for 3 weeks, felt like months. Anyways, that's why I don't want to find another boy at the moment. The last day I seen that guy in the beginning of my story was April. 15th. He was at my place, holding my face, telling me everything's going to be okay and he cares about me so so so so much. I cried the whole time. Normally people don't see me cry. Even my family. I left to the city a few days later after finding out what he was saying behind my back. He would say that I was ugly, he was scared of me, he doesn't want to date me at all. A lot of nasty things that made my mind snap. My world has been upside down since. 9 months. I made a journal, I wrote down my emotions I felt almost every time I thought of him; Lonely, scared, sick, sad, sloppy, dirty, used.. I felt scared because I knew I was never going to feel the happy feelings he gave me. Like how can you find better once you`ve had the best? I felt sloppy because how could I never notice between the lines that this was his true feelings about me. I don't know why I felt sick.. There's a song he showed me a long time ago, called A Drop In The Ocean - Ron Pope. I listened to that months after we last seen each other and ended up throwing up. EVERY time I listen to it I throw up. It doesn't exist to me anymore. So basically I'm writing down all my thoughts about life. Life throws many lemons at you, sometimes you get knocked in the head and your mind about reality changes. Or you catch them and make lemons. Whatevs. I hate life. I wish more positive things were in my future. I can't think of myself being happy again, who knows maybe I will be happy and all my bad endings in life can turn all around and I will be the happiest chick alive. Or, everything will continue. Or! Everything will only get worse lol. The thing about the guys liking me and stuff, I could name a lot of guys. One guy in school fell in love with me. One of my sisters friends she hooked me up with fell in love with me. A few guys from school crush on me, and basically everywhere I go, shopping, bus rides, visiting a friends house, someone always ends up calling me beautiful. I've had lezbians hit on me. sometimes I think of going lezbigay, but that's not my style. I think I have no heart. I mean, think of it.. being broken and shattered, then you have all these rebounds but you could care less. I know I can come across a guy and forget him like last weeks newspaper article. I smoke weed A LOT, and I smoke cigarrettes. I share them with this guy who likes me at school, sometimes I'll go to his house and cuddle, kiss and stuff when I feel lonely. I don't bother anybody else and if I were to choose to I would leave this guy alone. I never cheated on anyone before, never have, never will. There's one thing that my brain has a good lock on. The other guy who loves me is so annoying. He always sends me song links to youtube, songs that have a lot of meaning and other bs I don't care about. I want to learn how to love, someday. Not today, this month, this year.. someday. I was thinking of becoming a little heart breaker or something. Like, I'll date somebody, use my feelings and make them feel so loved to the ultimate, then bam. I'm out of their life. I want to feel that feeling again, maybe not true feelings of love, but that feeling where somebody cares about you. I don't know, maybe this is me getting fixed from my heart break. I still love him.. I think I always and forever will..
Adrienne1308 Adrienne1308
18-21, F
Jan 16, 2013