It was Monday I think. I'm finding it hard to recognise days, when what happened, what i have or haven't done.
I have BPD so most people run a mile when they hear this. I have actually been really good at controlling my impulses to hurt/ kill myself for awhile. I thought I was looking forward to moving to a new country and having a fresh start.
I'd been craving alcohol for awhile, just something to relax i never can do. Stupidly I fell off the wagon about a week ago and had a drink with my H. We had a great time , laughing, joking, something i hadn't done for what seemed like years. I felt comfortable and loved and I fitted in, I even felt sociable. But all this ended when the next day I knew i couldn't repeat it. The craving for alch was there but my H rightly said. "you've got to be joking." I never know when enough is enough. I wrestled through the day more agitated by the minute. I took a couple of clonazepan for anxiety and a double whammy of sleepers but it didn't help.
Next day I see my CPN she says I seem down, I don't remember talking to her. I go home I find a large bottle of Baileys. It was wonderful like a gift, I had no idea how it had got there. In retrospect I realise I must have bought it. Peaceful waves as I drunk the entire bottle, then something happened I don't know what I had doctor ringing and cpn but don't know why. I had taken a huge overdose of seroquel, clonazepan and zopiclone, i don't remember being low, high or anything. I managed to walk to the mental health centre because they were threatening with police, who I can't abide or rather they can't abide me. Then i was in A&E being sworn at, I wasn't abusive or anything but I guess they assumed I'm just another drunken waste of space. Which I am. I couldn't talk, move hear,was unconscious for quite sometime. On a drip with v low blood pressure. My H discharged me as he knew the psych docs wouldn't give a monkeys. The only part I can remember in there was a nurse shouting at me to get off the bed and sit on a chair which I would glady have done if I could have moved my limbs or been able to see. I couldn't talk as my tongue had swollen up. So somehow H gets me home and slowly regained use of limbs and sight.
Apparently cpn came to see me i cannot remember. I didn't want to end my life. I am scared that obviously some part of me did. Since the experience my mood has plummeted and I wonder would it have been better had I died. I feel embaressed and ashamed, scared that I might try again and not be aware.
I dont know but I had recently been given a zoladex implant to help with my hormones. I noticed my paranoia and moods going haywire after this . I decided it was just me being stupid but now i'm not so sure. I can't take the implant out so I guess i'm just going to have to live with it,although how i'm really not sure.
I'm sharing this because I am alone and just maybe someone has experienced something like this and knows how to get through it.
Thank you for listening