So, In Class Today....

(Warning: rant ahead)

So, school has started. I'm finishing up my final semester at a community college. For you personality junkies, I am an INTP female.

In pre-calculus class today, the teacher asked if any of us had questions from the takehome test that we wanted to go over. I spoke up first, because nobody else was, and as I did, I heard a girl across the room whisper something along the lines of, "I'm getting really sick of her." I think she was trying to impress the boy she was cuddled up to, and I had been answering quite a few of the harm done, yes? End of story.

Not quite.

The thing is, that hurt.
I can see her reasoning. I sometimes have a very cold, blank demeanor, especially when I am in class focusing on the material. Today, I was bored because we were covering material I knew from a previous class, and maybe she mistook that for arrogance. I can be arrogant, I'm not going to lie, but that is a trait I really dislike in myself, and one I try to squash whenever it rears its silly little head.

What she didn't know is how much courage it takes for me to speak to people sometimes, or how I only recently gathered enough self-confidence to answer questions in class (I hate getting things wrong and being laughed at. Hate it.) What she doesn't know is what glances and comments like that do to my already tenuous self-esteem. It isn't pretty.
What she doesn't know is that I'm not a teacher's pet. I failed this class last semester because I was too lazy to put any effort into it, and I want the teacher to know that I mean business this time. What she doesn't know is that I'm not a math genius, I just read the textbook (Math was actually my worst subject growing up. Not so now, but still.) What she doesn't know is that sometimes I'd kill to have a guy want to sit by me and flirt the way her guy is with her. Not usually, but sometimes. What she doesn't know is that analytical doesn't mean heartless.

And she's not the first girl (or guy, for that matter) I've had this kind of reaction from. Not by a long shot., at least, it seems like I can't be myself and get anywhere socially. Academically and in the long term it can get me very far. But I don't get invited to parties. Not that I'd really enjoy one, but it would be nice to be asked once in a while.

I am way too sensitive. It's maddening.

I'm not as depressed as this post makes me sound, by the way. In the long run, I couldn't care less about what she thinks - and I mean that. It's her life, so I'm not going to worry about it. In the short run, it sucks to be an oddball, to be doing something awkward without even knowing you are. Especially when you have dumped hours of time into learning how to socialize. As in, you could have mastered several new hobbies with the time you've spent putting yourself into uncomfortable social situations so you won't always feel at a disadvantage in them.

My strategy right now is to blow her comment off, and then befriend her if the opportunity presents itself.

But here's the other thing: Why not make comments about the two guys who were also answering questions, and even more of them than I was? I'm no feminist, but I'm sensing some major inequality here. It makes me angry, really. Why do I feel so penalized for knowing the material and speaking up? What's wrong with that? What's wrong with being an intelligent female?

Yeah. It makes me a little mad. It isn't fair.

All right, rant over. Moving on with life. :)

EclecticDoppleganger EclecticDoppleganger
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

Probably the girl who made the comment was jealous- it is easier to be catty than competent...

True enough, I just get frustrated sometimes.
Thanks for responding!