Is Rough Sex Considered Bdsm?

Is Rough Sex Considered BDSM?

By EP User:  SunniL

Disclaimer & Preface:
This is Adult Only Content.

This was originally posted on my blog February 6th, 2011.

Let me give you food for thought: 

Just because you engage in some rough and raw sex does not make it BDSM.  However, it is the perfect time to think about getting into it or start discussions with your partner about it.
Now that I have had some time to evaluate where I wanted to go, stand back from the fallout of my banging my head on my keyboard.
If you have read nothing in this group, stop here and read this post:
EP Link

I have inference to rough sex and why I don’t believe it is part of BDSM.  If you have read it or not, let me give you one hell of a reason why it is not - since you have continued to read.  Please remember:  This is my opinion from my own experience and knowledge.
Rough Sex usually occurs just out of nowhere.  Okay in my experience that is so.  No control issues, no negotiations, no discussion, no real power exchange.
Some of the terminology places on the net will tell you it is – wait let me go pull it, uh no can’t do that, you know why?  Well because there is no real definition out there.
Urban dictionary defines it as: “vigorous sex for people who like pain, but aren't into the really kinky ****.  May involve hair pulling, ***-slapping, biting etc…”
Really now, is it?  Rough sex is for people who like pain?  Well damn, who knew?

Come on folks, open your eyes, smell the coffee or better yet, get INFORMED.

I like rough sex… but I do NOT like pain being inflicted at all times… so where does that leave me in this?  Sure, I won't deny that pain and sex with me go hand in hand.

Yet again I shall say it: I am NOT MASOCHISTIC!  No this is not a case of she who screams the loudest is.  More like she who screams the loudest proves her point!  HAHA!

Just because I like my hair pulled, clothes torn off, then tossed across whatever surface is available like a rag doll and unmercilessly screwed hard and fast with a little smack to the backside here and there, does not make me masochistic.  I like to think of it as adventurous, not as BDSM.

Now let me break this down for you:
Hair pulling does not hurt me.  I like it, damn it do it more.  Where in there is it painful to have your clothes ripped off your body?  Okay, I can see how that ‘might’ be painful if the clothes don’t give.  And being screwed hard and fast wherever the guy has pushed, shoved, tossed you?  And a few slaps to your backside hurt?  Oh come now.  A slight sting maybe, hurt no.  Let my Dominant get hold of you for just one lash of his whip and then we will talk pain.

Let me give you a bigger picture of true rough sex.  Many years ago, I came across a man I worked with who made me gasp.  Not in the way a submissive thinks but in the way a woman or man goes, “Hmm need to get me some of that.”

Sean was maybe 24?  I don’t remember.  Stood just a bit taller than me, I am 5’9’.  Sandy blonde hair, tanned beautifully, and muscles out to the heavens and back.

I was pretty sure I had about a chance in hell of getting any of that.  Which was not something I have ever been known to do unless I know you well enough to know it is taken in good clean fun with no expectations.

I flirted almost shamelessly with him.  And to my surprise he reciprocated.  It went on for a few weeks.

On payday as we both stood in line in the office to get paid he asked if I had driven or not.  I said, yes I had and he asked if I minded dropping him at his place.  Oh my god, ya think I said yes?  I took him home and he invited me in for coffee.

The funny part was he lived in the neighboring apartment complex.  Literally “over the wall”.  I made a snarky comment to that and he sort of choked.  I knew he had just been released from prison the month before on a 3 year sentence for possession of a controlled substance.  My Apollo was a dealer.  It did not stop me from wanting any of him though.

The following day, my day off and a Saturday he came pounding on my apartment door, my roommate let him in.  She knew I had it bad for him.  She had to work, so she got ready and then sat on the phone with her boyfriend while we yapped.

One thing led to another and the next we were having an ice fight.  He started it MOM!  He put ice down the back of my shirt and I put it down the back of his jeans.  Mess with me will ya and I ran laughing like an 8 year old girl.  He followed.

I went running up the stairs to our second floor.  Not sure why except that it was the best escape route at the moment.  I tripped to my knees at the last step and turned to see where he was.  Way closer than I had thought apparently.  His knee connected right with the bridge of my nose.  I heard and felt the audible crack and yet no blood came out.  But the pain hit me hard.  My roommate brought me an ice pack for me and left for work.  I was laid out on my bed icing my war wound.  Sean kept apologizing for hurting me and all I could do was laugh myself sick.

An hour later he was literally ripping my clothes off and screwing me ruthlessly.  The hair pulling was an added bonus along with the cruel squeezing of my breasts.  I wanted to scream harder or more or anything but that is sort of hard when someone has your bottom lip between his teeth to keep you from talking, not that I really would have anyway. 

By the time we were done I had multiple small red marks around my breasts and on my backside.  None of them hurt and none of them would last longer than a day.  So did he.

How does this differ from my BDSM sex acts?  Well simple, we both were fighting for power, neither of us were Top or bottom  I wanted on top of him and he wanted me on my face on top of me.  I wanted to rake my nails down his back and draw blood, he wanted to squeeze and pinch my nipples to make me cry out.

I could keep going here, but I think I made my point. 

It was never about a power exchange or Dominance or submission. 

It was about two people just going at it like nothing else in the world mattered.

The most amazing part out of all of it was that this had been one of Sean’s fantasies for some years.  He was not into the BDSM scene.  He liked his partners to fight for power with him and had never found one that would play wildcat for him.  I have found this true with the few rough sex partners I have had.

Your opinions will vary as your mileage does...

Copyright © 2011. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
SunniL SunniL
46-50, F
3 Responses Jul 23, 2011

There is some really good points in here. :-)

Thanks affinity :) I know it is not everyone's view, but it at least gives some insight onto how I view certain things of anyone is interested :)

That was very informative. I've been trying to figure out if maybe I am not submissive at all and just like it rough. This helped a lot to clear things up, and I agree with you on the difference.

Ooo, I really like your story, for one, and I totally agree with your opinion of BDSM vs. Rough sex.<br />
I think there is definitely a difference between the two.<br />
Any couple, even "vanilla" ones can have rough sex because as you said - there are no agreements or anything and it can happen at any time, in the moment. It can be just two horny people going crazy whereas BDSM has the power exchange, agreements, etc.<br />
<br />
Great post!

Thanks :) I am a bit crazed on rough sex. :P It is the one thing that always helped with my urges when I could not get my cravings within BDSM fed. And the funny part, you can find a fairly willing partner for it easier!