I Would Like To...

This is a goal. I would like to, but I don't. It's very hard for me to talk to people & when people talk to me, I get so scared that my mind stops functioning properly. On numerous occasions, when someone is trying to be nice to me, it's hard for me to be nice back. When people are trying to be friendly, I get so scared & just want them to go away because of it. I wish they would understand how scary & hard it is for me to communicate with people. Since they don't, I come across as being rude, or mean, because I don't converse with them the way I'm, "supposed" to. This world is full of social expectations I just can't live up to.

 

I would love to be able to participate in a conversation when someone starts talking to me, but it's not possible. I never know what to say or what to do & half the time, I don't even know what the person's talking about. I know that I'm expected to reply in return to people, but I never know how. When I try, what I say never comes out right, or even comes out rude & sometimes the wrong thing comes out altogether. If I try to compliment someone, it comes out like an insult. I would love to be able to be friendly to the people who are friendly to me. I would also love to view their interactions with me as friendly. Honestly, though people are meaning to be friendly, it feels like an assault every time they talk to me. I feel like I'm being attacked, even though they're just trying to be nice, friendly or helpful. I would love to be able to reciprocate the positive behavior I receive from people. I, honestly, don't receive much positive behavior from people, so when I get it, I don't want the people to think I'm being mean to them when all they're doing is being nice to me. I have a huge problem with my far too friendly, far too social neighbor. He terrifies me because he's so beyond friendly & talkative & he thinks I'm rude because I'm unable to interact with him in the socially expected way.

On the other hand, I'm too nice to people who are mean to me. I'm afraid of mean, rude, cruel, scary people & because I'm so quiet, awkward, timid, "shy" etc. they seek me out, knowing I won't defend myself against their verbal attacks. It's really hard. I'm overly nice to them because I'm afraid of being yelled at, beaten up, or even murdered lol, because people are lunatics, so I just tiptoe around them in fear of stepping on the wrong nerve.

I would love to be able to be kind to people who are kind to me & defend myself against those who are mean to me, but as of the last 28 years, I have been unable to. I have no clue whether it will ever be possible, either, but I sure hope  I get to that place someday.

lyricalongings lyricalongings
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

If you never quite know what to say to people, just make quick conversations like about the weather or maybe about something they are wearing , perhaps about a new car they may have just bought. You get the idea , just a fwe words back and forth. Eventually conversation with those people will become easier.