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The Psychological Trauma Has Set In

This is for Autimom, who has been begging me to write this for months. "The material is just too good she insists. You owe it to me to put this in writing." She's right. She has been a good friend. So, here goes nothing.

Well, the first thing you have to do is create the profile. Easy enough--for women.
Men apparently have a tough time with this though. The best luck I had was with this one guy, who just said--"Oh hell, just write to me. That way I won't tell you anything you don't want to know." He had no picture and only the bare minimum of information about himself. I was instantly attracted to him. Here is why:

1. The Shirtless Wonders. Now these guys think that a bare torso is the way to go (it's not). They have pictures of themselves lounging around, grinning, or in the kitchen, presumably whipping up a tasty meal for their dates, shirtless. I fly by these profiles so fast I get whiplash.

2. The Masters of the Sea: Well apparently they are all sea dogs, masters of the perfect storm, sea bass- catchers all of them, posing at the helm, ready for a sea adventure I guess. Come on little lady, let's sail the high seas! You can be my first mate! (yuk yuk). Well, blimey. I get seasick just looking at these. I don't know why. I just do. I am NOT leaving the dock with you.

3. The Rebels: Motorcycles. Do all 40-50 somethings own bikes? You would think they all do, judging from the pictures. In this what I call Rebel Without a Cause  scenario I guess I am supposed to hop on board and let the wind fly through my hair as we let the road be our guide. Who needs a map?! You're with me baby!  Oh god. I'm not saying I wouldn't like a ride maybe, but ...No. I get that you are a hip 50 year old with a bad guy thing going on but...No.  

4. Captains of Industry : "FilthyRichGuy": That was his profile name. There are quite a few of these. They have all made loads of cash and they cannot wait to spend it on me (or whomever responds). They are simply rolling in it and they cannot wait to show you how much they have. It is going to be a blast, so get in line women--It's first come first serve over here. Take a number and wait your turn.  Pass.

5. The Chatters: These guys love to immediately open the chat window, which quite frankly scares the **** out of me. I had one guy open one up and it was a video chat on his end--so I could see him (unfortunately) but he could not see me. That didn't matter--all he wanted to do was talk while he "expressed himself". I actually sprained my hand trying to close the window. My profile was deleted in record time. Some guys get a thrill out of scaring women. Fun times for all. I slam shut the chat boxes as soon as they open up. Then they write to me and say, "SO! You don't want to talk to me!?"
Um....No. Not so much.

6. Lonely Foreign Dignitaries: English is a problem for these snappy dressers. My favorite, "You beautiful women." (Well, we're all very flattered over here.) He followed that up with "You lovely women go for date." Yes, yes, we all have dates. Try back some other time when it is not our busy season.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to make fun of the ESL crowd, but, it is really my only requirement--English, to be able to speak it. I'm not that particular, honestly.

7. Guidos: More commonly known as the steroid abusers. These guys are almost always shirtless or at least sleeveless, and they are bulging--but in a scary kind of way. One email seemed nice enough, but when I went to his profile I nearly jumped out of my skin. A shirtless bald guy with a firefighter's hat on ( I believe he was in the station) with a fire hose as a prop. I am still having nightmares.

8. Tattoo Guys: Self explanatory. All that is needed here for me is a handlebar mustache, which I got. Super nice guy,.... but .....I .....just....can't....do ....it.
I am ashamed, but...

9 The Comedians: Their goal is to make you laugh, which I naturally find admirable and attractive. This one guy posed on a dock--he was also a sea dog--with a load of sea sponges with the caption, "Are you sponge worthy?" It would be funnier if he was a woman, but I at least respected the humor and the allusion to one of my favorite shows. But mostly it is "Let's see what happens, wink, wink." or " I have a twinkle in my eye :)" or  my favorite, "I can work my magic between the sheets :) "  Ho...Hum.

10. The Abbreviators: OMG U R so hot. Can't wait 2 meet U. I am the 1 4 U.
Enough said.

Okay. That's enough. I better stop. I have to respond to a couple of emails. There's Loverman69--he is waiting to hear from me. I want to ask him if loverBOY was already taken and what significance does the 69 have, if any. I have never seen that one before. So unique and clever.
Also there is ectstasyawaitsu. Well, that is fortunate because I enjoy ecstasy, and I am sorry to have kept it waiting. Who knew it was all there in one convenient place. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble.

I'd love to say that I will be adding to this list, but I think I've had enough. I am actually starting to feel okay with being single.
Online dating will do that for you.  
Quintesse Quintesse 46-50, F 67 Responses Jan 20, 2011

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These "types", although written for entertainment here, are all too true! This is the sad, dark side of online dating and to a lesser extent, real world mixers and meetups. It has been a long sad road for me and I have yet to meet even one nice person for dating. The guys are so ANGRY and demanding! I don't even know these people, how is it that I already owe them something? Lets not forget the predators, like the registered sex offenders (met two), and the guy investigated for serial murder. Men don't have these kinds of concerns, it is not an equal playing field. Women have to be constantly on the lookout for their personal safety. Men do not get attacked on dates then told it was their own fault, they shouldn't be meeting people for dates, in public places.
This is a reality for women. It is estimated that 30 percent of guys online are married. I find this to be true. Of the remaining 70 percent we have the above profile types. None of that really matters, though, because it is a very rare event for anyone less than 15 years my senior to contact me. By very rare I mean one person about every three months. So much for this so-called "fact" that women get tons of responses. I get almost none, and NO, I am not FAT! I doubt men get contacted by women yelling at them as a first email.

IndependentOne--thanks I guess. Sometimes if you don't laugh you will find yourself crying. This is one of those times...

Lol I cracked up when I read this! Thanks for writing this!

Discovery chick--If I may--please read part 2 (below)<br />
I have come around to a different way of thinking. But as far as the experience as a whole--this is not that far off. However, when you consider how hard it all is--well, let's just say that I have softened my stance. They are all well-meaning and doing the best that they can do.<br />
I believe that. Still- sometimes it feels better to laugh than to cry. That is where this came from.

Well to tell you the truth, I've had no real problems with online dating and met a few really wonderful guys - and one horrifying one, hah!!! But I definitely recognized the "truthiness" of your post, and loved the way you wrote it.

Oh there's truth in there, definitely. But I am not typically a mocker is all. It's just that this is hard and sometimes it is easier to laugh. Thanks

It's funny 'cause it's true! And other reasons.

Yeah. Online dating is a laugh a minute. <br />
Still, I keep hearing--it is a way to meet people that you would not otherwise meet. Great point. The problem is chemistry can only be determined in person and all the profile maneuvering and question answering and "matching" (gag me) in the world cannot really circumvent that unfortunate reality. <br />
I don't have the answers, but a local restaurant in my town recently started a singles "happy hour" kind of thing one day a week and I thought----brilliant. <br />
Maybe back to the basics is the way to go. It's not so easy to be creepy in person. They ask you to leave if you are.

Spot on! I've tried POF, eHarmony (just as many creeps on there, they are just willing to pay more for the assurances of a psychological profile so they can sleep with someone who won't slash their tires or burn their house down when they get dumped) and Match.com...and most recently, speed dating which was also a flop. I am so happy to have read this because it mirrors my experiences so well... Thank you for posting!

No! Take that back. They were all nice and I did not really mean to imply otherwise. It is documented in the comments--I apologized. <br />
It was just me having a bad week.

Haha, forget the enlightening part and you have a deal. This is just one person's opinion.

Fair enough, but I liked it anyway :)

I enjoyed reading this. Enlightening and entertaining :)

I gotta tell ya George Carlin himself would admire your style. I always got your back now lets go stir that pot full of Republican war mongers up. <br />
Ducck quick we got incoming, guess they still got some weapons of mass destruction left

Thanks, you.

Cowboy, Thank you for coming to my defense so gallantly, and for all the nice things you said.<br />
I must say that I was a bit disconcerted when I read what the slipper had to say--<br />
I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not. I chose to believe he was. You don't give "kudos" to someone for making you chuckle if you have steam pouring out of your ears. Still, it was quite the tongue lashing, and it took me aback. I am not mean.<br />
{Plus, if I did want to start trouble, I'd write about Republicans--not men. I like men}<br />
I never saw this story as anything more than a ridiculous commentary on online dating sites and how awful they are--kind of like a necessary evil. I wrote this story a year ago, for the record, which means that it has been sitting up there a long time and it never elicited a nasty response, so I just sort of thought that the humor was kind of universal. I know men who have read it and thought it was hysterical.<br />
Also for the record, women ARE worse; for one thing they have more to work with in terms of dress, and poses and ...props--there is SO much that can go wrong with that, from what I've heard.<br />
If there is a defeated man out there who wants to have a go at it, that could be one hell of a story, and then we'd be even, but I cannot do it, for obvious reasons--I haven't looked at profiles or received emails from women. I don't have any material, and I'd like to keep it that way. <br />
It's not like I am a research journalist--I just write about whatever strikes me at the moment; today (or last year) online dating sites, tomorrow ..."Why Rick Santorum should be in a sanitorium"<br />
See what I mean?

Hey, Pink toes<br />
Before you go shooting your mouth off you should do a little research. Had you taken the time to read some more of the things Quintesse has written you would have known she is incapable of being mean spirited. Quint is a gifted writer who I believe adds a lot to the EP Experience. Her stories and comments are done in a manner that not only enlighten but are lifting. Mixing social commentary, current events, politics and other topics with a hint of humor is an art form, Quint performs this blending with a flair all her own.<br />
I cannot tell by your comment if you were truly offended or just poking playfully, if you were offended all I can say is, grow a spine. Now if you were taking a jab in jest hoping for some intellectual jousting, I hope you came loaded for bear cause Quint is not only gifted but well armed as well.

PinkSlipper person. I said I was sorry!<br />
You have to read the comments! I am not a people mocker, it's just that by the time I wrote this I had had it. I was freaked out and nauseous and even a little scared. I needed to find a way to laugh.<br />
If I would just put in the time and the effort and pretend to be a man, I am certain that I could come up with a story about what lengths women go to to impress men, that would pale in comparison to this one. I just don't want to be a fake man looking at women's profiles so that I can write a story about how pathetic the whole thing is.<br />
But my one-time collaborator told me some pretty wild stuff. There is definitely enough material for a counter story. <br />
And I will say this, I liked a lot of the men I wound up mocking in this story, especially the spongeworthy guy. They were all nice except for the chat boxer and the mafioso wannabe. The problem is that there are just SO MANY profiles that they all begin to look and sound alike and the whole thing becomes overwhelming and there is this fear that people are going to get hurt. I had people cranky because I didn't return emails fast enough! ****! <br />
It is hard on men and it is hard on women. It is just ...hard. <br />
I wish it wasn't.

Haha. I crack up whenever I come back to this story. I can laugh because it was so long ago now. It was not all that funny at the time--it was pretty awful Woobie. haha<br />
Although I have said in previous comments that had I had a better attitude I could have at least come away with a couple of pleasant dates. As for the on again off again couple--that's exactly what makes online dating both scary and exciting at the same time--It is real, the people behind the profiles are real. You have to be in the right fr<x>ame of mind, and you have to be in a pretty good place emotionally. <br />
For some maybe it is fun. I don't know. I don't talk about this enough to really know, and I certainly do not know of any success stories. In fact I know of more people who have met HERE.

i'm happy to say that i met my live in boyfriend here Quintesse! :0]

Wow! Congratulations. I love to hear of people connecting here. It renews my faith in the written word and of course --in love.

You are the meanest woman alive. What kind of woman vilifies men into categories of profiles? Are we just moronic toys of your comical attempts of humor? I got to say you do paint us in a fabulous light. Maybe if we all went gay then you'd have nothing on us, right? As I write this a movement is unifying to occupy your street and protest. As a talking ***** once said, "My batteries are drained!" <br />
That was some deep insight in us I must give you kudos for the laughs.

Lmao! You're always creative and hilarious, gosh I was crying reading this

this is awful! and HILARIOUS! it's AWFULLY HILARIOUS!! i remember when one of the women at a lawfirm where i used to work joined Match.com. she was encouraging a recent divorcee to join as well--and she did. lo and behold, all hell broke loose when the recently divorced woman found out that the first lady was sending online messages to her recent ex! <br />
<br />
wow. talk about fireworks. <br />
<br />
i heard recently that the recently divorced couple got back together. hmmm....

Thank you JustMe. <br />
The only thing that turned out to be not so funny about this is the fact that I really was somewhat traumatized.<br />
Somewhere in the comments I refer to the mobsters and the married guys--they did not make the original list.<br />
I could go on forever, but then I would be ill. What they don't mention on the match.com commercials are the thousands of people who run scared and vow never to return to the online dating world. I would love to see those statistics.

I'm not any of these, but then I'm not on any dating sites either :) V funny post my friend!

It was meant to be funny. Thank you very much.<br />
In reality I would never mock the sad desperation that is the constant companion of the online dater, man or woman.<br />
I find myself saying over and over--I'm never going back there and you can't make me. But I will say this, and this is true whether it is an online dating site or in person--attitude is everything. If you are open to meeting new people and interacting in a sincere way, the possibilities are endless (pity the vapid users though--they don't necessarily count. Those types are everywhere.)<br />
My attitude was not good. I think that's obvious. I did everyone a favor by walking away.

Easily the funniest story I've read on EP. Thank you for the laughs. I don't know anything about on line dating, but it's tempted me to write about the vapid things guys my age do to try to get us between the sheets. It's pretty sad. I need to work on that.

Inspector. I in know way expect you or anyone else to read all of the comments that followed this ridiculous story but I did back off considerably. When I wrote it I was traumatized and frustrated, sexually and otherwise. <br />
It is almost impossible for men AND women to strike the right chord on a dating site--there is just too much that is unable to be expressed. <br />
This format, here on Ep is actually better--you reveal much more of who you are in an environment that encourages you to express yourself--not to say that this is a dating site, although it seems to double as one at times. <br />
Pictures and questions and answers are misleading and I think actually perpetuate skepticism and cynicism--so I reacted to my experience with humor, because it was either that --or cry.

I couldn't agree more - it is a far better way to get to know someone .

WelI did a spot of on-line dating - a bit more hardcore than what you have been talking about. And in that game your damned if you do and damned if you don't. For every woman that won't look at your profile unless your whole naked body is on display standing proud, there is another woman who will not look at your profile if any of your bits are visible. And this on sites where the ob<x>ject of the exercise is sexual encounters!! So spare a thought for us mere men - it's not as easy as you might think.

Well I am sorry but you really do have to create a profile and participate on an actual dating site in order to get the full flavor of the experience.<br />
It is at once terrifying and overwhelming. I was only able to laugh after I had walked away, not having gone on a single date. <br />
But as I reconsider the whole thing now, I must say, my heart wasn't in it, and that was probably my whole problem. If you love someone, everyone else seems lacking in comparison. <br />
You have to go into it with an open mind and an open heart. <br />
I had neither of those things at the time.<br />
Hey! I don't have any cavities! I should be married within the week!<br />
Thank you.

Thank you. My goal is to crack myself up, but it is more fun to laugh with someone else.<br />
Plus, if I don't laugh, I'll cry.<br />
Thanks for reading and commenting.

Very funny style, of writing in the stories I've read.<br />
;-)

I can honestly say that I have never read a newspaper personal ad.<br />
I was new to this whole milieu before I created my online profile a year or so ago. <br />
I am disheartened and disillusioned frankly, that there are SO many unhappy and lovelorn people out there--just like me.<br />
There is no strength in numbers in this case--the sheer numbers terrify me, in a predator / prey kind of way. I always run scared. It is depressing.<br />
I have pretty intense gravity as it turns out though. I will wind up bumping into my guy (offline) one of these days--if the cows would just get out of the way (bizarre reference to another story.) <br />
Thanks. <br />
Something tells me that those ads could have provided some decent material as well. Some things never change.

I hope that you will soon find Mr. Right!

You are so right. From tonights paper:
ARTY TYPE Hello there, I'm 65, female,5ft1,longred/brown hair. I'm an artistand live in ****area. Looking for a tactile male.

For me, before online dating. There was only the newspaper personal collumns. Did you ever read those?

Oh go on, this stuff writes itself. But thank you for acknowledging my creative attributes. It is always nice to hear. I try.<br />
Seeing humor in the everyday is what makes life bearable for me.