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The Psychological Trauma Has Set In

This is for Autimom, who has been begging me to write this for months. "The material is just too good she insists. You owe it to me to put this in writing." She's right. She has been a good friend. So, here goes nothing.

Well, the first thing you have to do is create the profile. Easy enough--for women.
Men apparently have a tough time with this though. The best luck I had was with this one guy, who just said--"Oh hell, just write to me. That way I won't tell you anything you don't want to know." He had no picture and only the bare minimum of information about himself. I was instantly attracted to him. Here is why:

1. The Shirtless Wonders. Now these guys think that a bare torso is the way to go (it's not). They have pictures of themselves lounging around, grinning, or in the kitchen, presumably whipping up a tasty meal for their dates, shirtless. I fly by these profiles so fast I get whiplash.

2. The Masters of the Sea: Well apparently they are all sea dogs, masters of the perfect storm, sea bass- catchers all of them, posing at the helm, ready for a sea adventure I guess. Come on little lady, let's sail the high seas! You can be my first mate! (yuk yuk). Well, blimey. I get seasick just looking at these. I don't know why. I just do. I am NOT leaving the dock with you.

3. The Rebels: Motorcycles. Do all 40-50 somethings own bikes? You would think they all do, judging from the pictures. In this what I call Rebel Without a Cause  scenario I guess I am supposed to hop on board and let the wind fly through my hair as we let the road be our guide. Who needs a map?! You're with me baby!  Oh god. I'm not saying I wouldn't like a ride maybe, but ...No. I get that you are a hip 50 year old with a bad guy thing going on but...No.  

4. Captains of Industry : "FilthyRichGuy": That was his profile name. There are quite a few of these. They have all made loads of cash and they cannot wait to spend it on me (or whomever responds). They are simply rolling in it and they cannot wait to show you how much they have. It is going to be a blast, so get in line women--It's first come first serve over here. Take a number and wait your turn.  Pass.

5. The Chatters: These guys love to immediately open the chat window, which quite frankly scares the **** out of me. I had one guy open one up and it was a video chat on his end--so I could see him (unfortunately) but he could not see me. That didn't matter--all he wanted to do was talk while he "expressed himself". I actually sprained my hand trying to close the window. My profile was deleted in record time. Some guys get a thrill out of scaring women. Fun times for all. I slam shut the chat boxes as soon as they open up. Then they write to me and say, "SO! You don't want to talk to me!?"
Um....No. Not so much.

6. Lonely Foreign Dignitaries: English is a problem for these snappy dressers. My favorite, "You beautiful women." (Well, we're all very flattered over here.) He followed that up with "You lovely women go for date." Yes, yes, we all have dates. Try back some other time when it is not our busy season.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to make fun of the ESL crowd, but, it is really my only requirement--English, to be able to speak it. I'm not that particular, honestly.

7. Guidos: More commonly known as the steroid abusers. These guys are almost always shirtless or at least sleeveless, and they are bulging--but in a scary kind of way. One email seemed nice enough, but when I went to his profile I nearly jumped out of my skin. A shirtless bald guy with a firefighter's hat on ( I believe he was in the station) with a fire hose as a prop. I am still having nightmares.

8. Tattoo Guys: Self explanatory. All that is needed here for me is a handlebar mustache, which I got. Super nice guy,.... but .....I .....just....can'
I am ashamed, but...

9 The Comedians: Their goal is to make you laugh, which I naturally find admirable and attractive. This one guy posed on a dock--he was also a sea dog--with a load of sea sponges with the caption, "Are you sponge worthy?" It would be funnier if he was a woman, but I at least respected the humor and the allusion to one of my favorite shows. But mostly it is "Let's see what happens, wink, wink." or " I have a twinkle in my eye :)" or  my favorite, "I can work my magic between the sheets :) "  Ho...Hum.

10. The Abbreviators: OMG U R so hot. Can't wait 2 meet U. I am the 1 4 U.
Enough said.

Okay. That's enough. I better stop. I have to respond to a couple of emails. There's Loverman69--he is waiting to hear from me. I want to ask him if loverBOY was already taken and what significance does the 69 have, if any. I have never seen that one before. So unique and clever.
Also there is ectstasyawaitsu. Well, that is fortunate because I enjoy ecstasy, and I am sorry to have kept it waiting. Who knew it was all there in one convenient place. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble.

I'd love to say that I will be adding to this list, but I think I've had enough. I am actually starting to feel okay with being single.
Online dating will do that for you.  
Quintesse Quintesse 51-55, F 67 Responses Jan 20, 2011

Your Response


These "types", although written for entertainment here, are all too true! This is the sad, dark side of online dating and to a lesser extent, real world mixers and meetups. It has been a long sad road for me and I have yet to meet even one nice person for dating. The guys are so ANGRY and demanding! I don't even know these people, how is it that I already owe them something? Lets not forget the predators, like the registered sex offenders (met two), and the guy investigated for serial murder. Men don't have these kinds of concerns, it is not an equal playing field. Women have to be constantly on the lookout for their personal safety. Men do not get attacked on dates then told it was their own fault, they shouldn't be meeting people for dates, in public places.
This is a reality for women. It is estimated that 30 percent of guys online are married. I find this to be true. Of the remaining 70 percent we have the above profile types. None of that really matters, though, because it is a very rare event for anyone less than 15 years my senior to contact me. By very rare I mean one person about every three months. So much for this so-called "fact" that women get tons of responses. I get almost none, and NO, I am not FAT! I doubt men get contacted by women yelling at them as a first email.

IndependentOne--thanks I guess. Sometimes if you don't laugh you will find yourself crying. This is one of those times...

Lol I cracked up when I read this! Thanks for writing this!

Discovery chick--If I may--please read part 2 (below)<br />
I have come around to a different way of thinking. But as far as the experience as a whole--this is not that far off. However, when you consider how hard it all is--well, let's just say that I have softened my stance. They are all well-meaning and doing the best that they can do.<br />
I believe that. Still- sometimes it feels better to laugh than to cry. That is where this came from.

Well to tell you the truth, I've had no real problems with online dating and met a few really wonderful guys - and one horrifying one, hah!!! But I definitely recognized the "truthiness" of your post, and loved the way you wrote it.

Oh there's truth in there, definitely. But I am not typically a mocker is all. It's just that this is hard and sometimes it is easier to laugh. Thanks

It's funny 'cause it's true! And other reasons.

Yeah. Online dating is a laugh a minute. <br />
Still, I keep hearing--it is a way to meet people that you would not otherwise meet. Great point. The problem is chemistry can only be determined in person and all the profile maneuvering and question answering and "matching" (gag me) in the world cannot really circumvent that unfortunate reality. <br />
I don't have the answers, but a local restaurant in my town recently started a singles "happy hour" kind of thing one day a week and I thought----brilliant. <br />
Maybe back to the basics is the way to go. It's not so easy to be creepy in person. They ask you to leave if you are.

Spot on! I've tried POF, eHarmony (just as many creeps on there, they are just willing to pay more for the assurances of a psychological profile so they can sleep with someone who won't slash their tires or burn their house down when they get dumped) and most recently, speed dating which was also a flop. I am so happy to have read this because it mirrors my experiences so well... Thank you for posting!

No! Take that back. They were all nice and I did not really mean to imply otherwise. It is documented in the comments--I apologized. <br />
It was just me having a bad week.

Haha, forget the enlightening part and you have a deal. This is just one person's opinion.

Fair enough, but I liked it anyway :)

I enjoyed reading this. Enlightening and entertaining :)

I gotta tell ya George Carlin himself would admire your style. I always got your back now lets go stir that pot full of Republican war mongers up. <br />
Ducck quick we got incoming, guess they still got some weapons of mass destruction left

Thanks, you.

Cowboy, Thank you for coming to my defense so gallantly, and for all the nice things you said.<br />
I must say that I was a bit disconcerted when I read what the slipper had to say--<br />
I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not. I chose to believe he was. You don't give "kudos" to someone for making you chuckle if you have steam pouring out of your ears. Still, it was quite the tongue lashing, and it took me aback. I am not mean.<br />
{Plus, if I did want to start trouble, I'd write about Republicans--not men. I like men}<br />
I never saw this story as anything more than a ridiculous commentary on online dating sites and how awful they are--kind of like a necessary evil. I wrote this story a year ago, for the record, which means that it has been sitting up there a long time and it never elicited a nasty response, so I just sort of thought that the humor was kind of universal. I know men who have read it and thought it was hysterical.<br />
Also for the record, women ARE worse; for one thing they have more to work with in terms of dress, and poses and ...props--there is SO much that can go wrong with that, from what I've heard.<br />
If there is a defeated man out there who wants to have a go at it, that could be one hell of a story, and then we'd be even, but I cannot do it, for obvious reasons--I haven't looked at profiles or received emails from women. I don't have any material, and I'd like to keep it that way. <br />
It's not like I am a research journalist--I just write about whatever strikes me at the moment; today (or last year) online dating sites, tomorrow ..."Why Rick Santorum should be in a sanitorium"<br />
See what I mean?

Hey, Pink toes<br />
Before you go shooting your mouth off you should do a little research. Had you taken the time to read some more of the things Quintesse has written you would have known she is incapable of being mean spirited. Quint is a gifted writer who I believe adds a lot to the EP Experience. Her stories and comments are done in a manner that not only enlighten but are lifting. Mixing social commentary, current events, politics and other topics with a hint of humor is an art form, Quint performs this blending with a flair all her own.<br />
I cannot tell by your comment if you were truly offended or just poking playfully, if you were offended all I can say is, grow a spine. Now if you were taking a jab in jest hoping for some intellectual jousting, I hope you came loaded for bear cause Quint is not only gifted but well armed as well.

PinkSlipper person. I said I was sorry!<br />
You have to read the comments! I am not a people mocker, it's just that by the time I wrote this I had had it. I was freaked out and nauseous and even a little scared. I needed to find a way to laugh.<br />
If I would just put in the time and the effort and pretend to be a man, I am certain that I could come up with a story about what lengths women go to to impress men, that would pale in comparison to this one. I just don't want to be a fake man looking at women's profiles so that I can write a story about how pathetic the whole thing is.<br />
But my one-time collaborator told me some pretty wild stuff. There is definitely enough material for a counter story. <br />
And I will say this, I liked a lot of the men I wound up mocking in this story, especially the spongeworthy guy. They were all nice except for the chat boxer and the mafioso wannabe. The problem is that there are just SO MANY profiles that they all begin to look and sound alike and the whole thing becomes overwhelming and there is this fear that people are going to get hurt. I had people cranky because I didn't return emails fast enough! ****! <br />
It is hard on men and it is hard on women. It is just ...hard. <br />
I wish it wasn't.

Haha. I crack up whenever I come back to this story. I can laugh because it was so long ago now. It was not all that funny at the time--it was pretty awful Woobie. haha<br />
Although I have said in previous comments that had I had a better attitude I could have at least come away with a couple of pleasant dates. As for the on again off again couple--that's exactly what makes online dating both scary and exciting at the same time--It is real, the people behind the profiles are real. You have to be in the right fr<x>ame of mind, and you have to be in a pretty good place emotionally. <br />
For some maybe it is fun. I don't know. I don't talk about this enough to really know, and I certainly do not know of any success stories. In fact I know of more people who have met HERE.

i'm happy to say that i met my live in boyfriend here Quintesse! :0]

Wow! Congratulations. I love to hear of people connecting here. It renews my faith in the written word and of course --in love.

You are the meanest woman alive. What kind of woman vilifies men into categories of profiles? Are we just moronic toys of your comical attempts of humor? I got to say you do paint us in a fabulous light. Maybe if we all went gay then you'd have nothing on us, right? As I write this a movement is unifying to occupy your street and protest. As a talking ***** once said, "My batteries are drained!" <br />
That was some deep insight in us I must give you kudos for the laughs.

Lmao! You're always creative and hilarious, gosh I was crying reading this

this is awful! and HILARIOUS! it's AWFULLY HILARIOUS!! i remember when one of the women at a lawfirm where i used to work joined she was encouraging a recent divorcee to join as well--and she did. lo and behold, all hell broke loose when the recently divorced woman found out that the first lady was sending online messages to her recent ex! <br />
<br />
wow. talk about fireworks. <br />
<br />
i heard recently that the recently divorced couple got back together. hmmm....

Thank you JustMe. <br />
The only thing that turned out to be not so funny about this is the fact that I really was somewhat traumatized.<br />
Somewhere in the comments I refer to the mobsters and the married guys--they did not make the original list.<br />
I could go on forever, but then I would be ill. What they don't mention on the commercials are the thousands of people who run scared and vow never to return to the online dating world. I would love to see those statistics.

I'm not any of these, but then I'm not on any dating sites either :) V funny post my friend!

It was meant to be funny. Thank you very much.<br />
In reality I would never mock the sad desperation that is the constant companion of the online dater, man or woman.<br />
I find myself saying over and over--I'm never going back there and you can't make me. But I will say this, and this is true whether it is an online dating site or in person--attitude is everything. If you are open to meeting new people and interacting in a sincere way, the possibilities are endless (pity the vapid users though--they don't necessarily count. Those types are everywhere.)<br />
My attitude was not good. I think that's obvious. I did everyone a favor by walking away.

Easily the funniest story I've read on EP. Thank you for the laughs. I don't know anything about on line dating, but it's tempted me to write about the vapid things guys my age do to try to get us between the sheets. It's pretty sad. I need to work on that.

Inspector. I in know way expect you or anyone else to read all of the comments that followed this ridiculous story but I did back off considerably. When I wrote it I was traumatized and frustrated, sexually and otherwise. <br />
It is almost impossible for men AND women to strike the right chord on a dating site--there is just too much that is unable to be expressed. <br />
This format, here on Ep is actually better--you reveal much more of who you are in an environment that encourages you to express yourself--not to say that this is a dating site, although it seems to double as one at times. <br />
Pictures and questions and answers are misleading and I think actually perpetuate skepticism and cynicism--so I reacted to my experience with humor, because it was either that --or cry.

I couldn't agree more - it is a far better way to get to know someone .

WelI did a spot of on-line dating - a bit more hardcore than what you have been talking about. And in that game your damned if you do and damned if you don't. For every woman that won't look at your profile unless your whole naked body is on display standing proud, there is another woman who will not look at your profile if any of your bits are visible. And this on sites where the ob<x>ject of the exercise is sexual encounters!! So spare a thought for us mere men - it's not as easy as you might think.

Well I am sorry but you really do have to create a profile and participate on an actual dating site in order to get the full flavor of the experience.<br />
It is at once terrifying and overwhelming. I was only able to laugh after I had walked away, not having gone on a single date. <br />
But as I reconsider the whole thing now, I must say, my heart wasn't in it, and that was probably my whole problem. If you love someone, everyone else seems lacking in comparison. <br />
You have to go into it with an open mind and an open heart. <br />
I had neither of those things at the time.<br />
Hey! I don't have any cavities! I should be married within the week!<br />
Thank you.

Thank you. My goal is to crack myself up, but it is more fun to laugh with someone else.<br />
Plus, if I don't laugh, I'll cry.<br />
Thanks for reading and commenting.

Very funny style, of writing in the stories I've read.<br />

I can honestly say that I have never read a newspaper personal ad.<br />
I was new to this whole milieu before I created my online profile a year or so ago. <br />
I am disheartened and disillusioned frankly, that there are SO many unhappy and lovelorn people out there--just like me.<br />
There is no strength in numbers in this case--the sheer numbers terrify me, in a predator / prey kind of way. I always run scared. It is depressing.<br />
I have pretty intense gravity as it turns out though. I will wind up bumping into my guy (offline) one of these days--if the cows would just get out of the way (bizarre reference to another story.) <br />
Thanks. <br />
Something tells me that those ads could have provided some decent material as well. Some things never change.

I hope that you will soon find Mr. Right!

You are so right. From tonights paper:
ARTY TYPE Hello there, I'm 65, female,5ft1,longred/brown hair. I'm an artistand live in ****area. Looking for a tactile male.

For me, before online dating. There was only the newspaper personal collumns. Did you ever read those?

Oh go on, this stuff writes itself. But thank you for acknowledging my creative attributes. It is always nice to hear. I try.<br />
Seeing humor in the everyday is what makes life bearable for me.

Such a clever post! Besides perceptive, add comical to your list of creative attributes.

Such a clever post! Besides perceptive, add comical to your list of creative attributes.

Every time someone comments on this I go back and read it again just for my own personal amusement, so thank you Sherry. Unfortunately they were all real emails I got, so some of the laughter was after the fact--the real time experience being not quite as funny at the time. I had to distance myself from it all to see the humor. <br />
I don't think I can go back there in this lifetime. I will wait this one out. <br />
He is out there. I will wait for him. <br />
(it's too scary and nerve-wracking in there)<br />
And all the subsequent comments are funny. I go back and read them too, haha.<br />
Thank you

Holy **** you're so funny, that was so funny! Good job! That sponge-worthy comment/picture from that guy was funny too.

Thanks hairy one for your contribution. <br />
Tattoos, like most things I guess, are beautiful in the eye of the beholder.<br />
To each his own.<br />
Also I think tattoo-getters are the "seize the day" types, not so much the "what will this be like in 60 years" types. That is sometimes a good thing--that attitude.<br />
Whatever. Thanks for your imput. You made me smile, again.<br />

Ok Quint I will post a photo of me on one of the horses just for you. The whole shirtless hairy thing is another issue, see I live in the Northwest corner of the US and that is a known hot spot for big foot activity, (just watch the history channel). I know last time I went to the beach I triggered at leat two Sasquatch sightings. When I was younger the whole hairy chest thing was Ok but now that it and the rest of my body hair has turned gray my Wife tells me I look more like one of those Silverback Apes.<br />
Oh well never was much for the beach, hard to find a bathing suit that looks good with my boots and hat.<br />
As for the whole tattoo thing, never had a problem with it except I always chuckle because these people laying all this money down for "Ink" never seem to be giving it any long term thought. Think about it for a minute, all those tough guys out there with the "Scary", "Bad Boy" tattoos are gonna look a little silly when they are shuffling bald headed down the aisle in Walmart looking for metamucil and ladies before you say anything you know that cute little butterfly you want to have tattoed on that perky little breast of your's well given time when the ink fades a bit and your boobs droop some it will look more like a Pterodactyl than a butterfly.<br />
Oh well gotta run horses are hungry

Now. <br />
To the Cowboy. <br />
Hahahahaha<br />
I love that I encourage you to be long-winded! You're never more amusing than when you get on a roll (or a horse--attempting a shot). Oh! What I wouldn't give to see that picture--any picture of you atop your steed. Sexy.--and I am partial to hair, also sexy. <br />
And someone here mentioned tattoos--as the number of people wearing them and showing them off grows, my disgust seems to grow proportionately. Imagine inking yourself with a violent image? I would think a barbed wire image might be offensive to Christians in a "crown of thorns/torture" kind of way, but most people who get tattoos claim voiciferously that they are "just for themselves" and then prominently display them for us all to see. I just shake my head these days. <br />
Note to self: Invest in a laser tattoo removal business. Short term gain negligible--long term-- hugely profitable.

Online dating IS exhausting. That is the right word, definitely. In the past when I have been there it has been because I have been hurt and I have wanted to explore my options, as they say. There is nothing wrong with it, in fact it can be a wonderful thing--I know that. But I usually go into it cynical and terrified of hurting someone's feelings because my heart is not really in it--my heart is elsewhere, unfortunately.<br />
Were I to really put my all into it I could have a grand time flirting, but I have to remind myself that these are people hearts, and that gives me pause. So, I found a way to laugh hopefully without hurting anyone's feelings.<br />
( I actually considered starting a profile consulting business.<br />
"I think I can help you: #1 put a shirt on." haha. My assistant also reminded me--for the women: #1 Sit on the chair properly; straddling it makes you look like you are lap-dance ready. Also, no cats.) <br />
I don't generally get off by making fun of people but as I said, this story was born out of frustration mostly, and anyone who has ever done it for any length of time can attest to that, that I am dead on with this observation.<br />
I thank you guys for reading and for the funny and insightful comments. I will add that the one thing love is NOT, or rather the search for love--it is not funny. It is scary and can be quite painful.

Quint, every so often I see one of your stories that compels me to write long winded comments and well this is one of them. <br />
Now EP is not really a site for dating but there sure are some profile pictures that are questionable. Now after reading this story I was thinking maybe I should change my profile picture<br />
<br />
Thought about a shirtless one but then I realized as hairy as I am it would just look like I was wearing an ugly sweater so that ones out. Now the boat, could've done that a few months back but we sold the boat and all I have left is a canoe. Figured standing in front of that wouldn't impress many folks and well the ones it did impress, I probably would not want to add them to my circle. Don't own a motorcycle never did think they made a whole lotta sense but that's just me. Now the idea spawned a thought, what about me on my horse? Kinda liked that but well it took me hours to figure out the whole time exposure thing on the camera, (didn't want to ask anyone for help figured I would look like a dang fool) and everytime I would set the damn thing and then swing up in the saddle the damn horse would step out of the picture just as the camera went off. Did this a few times and then wow he just stood still for me and when the camera went off I was pleased as punch, that is until I looked at the picture. Old Dash had his tail held high and was busy droppin a load, so I gave up on that idea. Course I gotta admit that camera is pretty amazing caught that manure in midair clear as could be.<br />
Now the filthy rich thing, come on I'm married and got horses and dogs and cats and raccons and foxes and deer and well the list goes on. Between feed, vets and all the other expenses I can tell ya with certainty that if you held me upside down and shook me, most days you couldn't buy a big gulp with what fell out of my pockets.<br />
Now I sure ain't the chatty type and even if I was with my computer skills I would not be able to "GIT ER DONE" as they say. Now I don't come from no forgeign place even though some would tell Ya Brooklyn ain't part of this country. Sure ain't a Guido, now I'm in pretty good shape but never could understand the whole "Muscle Head" thing. First off I sure ain't got the time or inclination to shave my body smooth as a baby's butt and well it sounds a little too kinky for this old cowboy. <br />
Ain't got any tatoos, (see comment about body hair, thank you) besides scars are just like tatoos only they got better stories and I got a bunch of them. Now I gotta tell ya the guys with the barb wire tattoed on their biceps really crack me up if they want to show me how tough they are they can twist some reall barbed wire around their arm. <br />
No comment on the whole comedian thing, wink, wink, chuckle, wink, giggle :-) I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WROTE THAT, I need a drink.<br />
WIGTIA4NOWGTFTH'S, **** that gave me a headache, what I said is Well I guess that is all for now I got to feed the horses

Barbed wire to their hips. What hoot. Seriously, i am old enough to remember the stories my elders told of the camps they saw in Germany. Barbed wire is symbol of of torture. They are not funny nor are they men.

I love men with hairy bodies so it would work at least for me! :-P

Hi, Loved your post. In 88 my love passed from a heart attack. Married 23 yrs. She was a feminist in the sixties in Boston, while i went to sea. Honest to Fault. Ha. i got such a giggle when you said, men going to sea, you may want to tell them to take their little boy boats to, 150 miles north of Antarctica. What a hoot!!. Back to reality, i was single for 15 yrs. was very lonely, chatted with a woman 40 miles from where i lived in a very rural county in west Fl. We met and moved in together after two weeks together. Two mos. later, we were married @ the Bronson county court house, Levy county, Fl. We have been together for six yrs. So, at times, some of this kind-o-stuff works. One thing we both have learned, at our ages, to allow the other, a great deal of latitude. Peace

I tried online dating for month and it was exhausting! The thing is I have six close friends who did this and were successful. Five ended up marrying and the sixth one has been living together for a few years already. So I've been chastised for not giving it a real shot. I don't know what site you joined but your observations are pretty much the same as mine. MY personal favorite is when a man says that they love to laugh and not one of the ten pictures he's got posted of him has him laughing.

No. <br />
You'll have to head on over to to find that bulgy guy, if he is still available.<br />
My guess is he's putting out a fire somewhere. Sorry.

Bummer! I totally forgot that he can't light, or rekindle my fire, because he usually does the opposite. :-))

Is the muscular fireman still on ep? Muhahaha

I like topless and machines and fishing. I like it all-- in reality.<br />
I am just talking profiles here; it can be amusing, and, as I said, speaking from my perspective, if I don't laugh I will definitely cry.<br />
That's all. Just trying to keep my sense of humor through all the stress.

Hey, Miss Q.<br />
<br />
Remember your advice to yourself "lower your standards". <br />
<br />
Well there is no hope for me.<br />
1. I like being topless<br />
2. I like machines; planes and boats and trains.......<br />
3. I enjoy fishing.<br />
<br />
oh well! the way it is.........

This is too good (and too true)!

He we go again...

Haha! It is easy with material like this--it practically writes itself, haha<br />
I thank you for commenting and for bringing me back here. I forgot about this story and I cracked myself up again re-reading it. <br />
A friend of mine has recently suggested that I write a companion piece about women's profiles. He offered to fill me in, collaborate, if you will. It might be fun. I guess it depends on how bored I get, haha. Still, fair is fair. According to him, women suck at this too.

LOL!!!!!!! You have some great talents in writing. I really enjoyed this story. Thank you

It's hard for everyone concerned is my guess. You don't hear people --men or women--who rave about the experience.<br />
Someone told me "It is an opportunity for me to meet someone I would not otherwise meet." True.<br />
In any case--I find humor in the mundane.<br />
It's what keeps me relatively sane.

Q. I've never tried online dating (been married the last 10 years or so, not been available), but I have heard a story or two from male friends. I suspect they have a pretty hard time of it - have to sell themselves in 10 words or less (gross exageration, but you know, be punchy), and they often have not had much sucess in the RL dating world, so they may totally lack perception of what women find attractive in men. <br />
<br />
Mind you, I think a lot of women have similar issues. People typecast themselves in roles: sexy minx; smart and boring; bossy; career girl... Guess like you're saying about men, just normal can be really good too.

Oh good! It's not all profiles then- I was wondering if normality got a look in. It's probably a reflection of personality type... you do meet people who define themselves by their possessions, or their hobbies. Men who are experiencing a mid-life crisis (that demographic) are probably more prone to it?<br />
<br />
I don't think you should worry too much about hurting their feelings (unless you're teasing them about their choice of profile photo!). Men are used to rejection...

It depends. Does he speak English? <br />
<br />
And for the record, I am not mean, just apathetic.<br />
<br />
{Truth? My fear of hurting someone's feelings overwhelms me. It's me, not them.}

Perhaps you would be intrigued by a picture of a scrawny bald man with his empty pants pockets out (LOOK! I have no money!) sitting by himself on a bus. <br />
<br />
Enticing, yes?

There are many, many normal ones. <br />
But they are not funny. <br />
<br />
I really like the no pants idea. <br />
And if any of them asked me (which they didn't) I would tell them to leave the means of conveyance out of the profile completely. <br />
It is insulting--like they are appealing to the lowest form of intelligence out there with boobs:<br />
LOOK! I have biceps! <br />
LOOK! I have a bike! <br />
LOOK! I hava a boat!<br />
LOOK! I have a handlebar mustache!<br />
LOOK! I have money!<br />
<br />
To them I say---LOOK! me not caring about any of it .

It is... excellent!... but leaves me wondering, what types are there left that don't have you closing the window straight away?<br />
<br />
If you put up a picture with shirt on, pants off - would you get points just for originality?<br />
Or sitting astride a scooter instead of a Harley?<br />
<br />

Q - this is hilarious and brilliantly written. Dont you dare reprofile again - your stories deserve to say for another day and more people to read.

And Venn, haha I think U R GR8<br />
<br />
Of course I know the internet is a wonderful way to meet people. I am not a novice. I came. I surfed. I wrote. I met. I fell in love. <br />
<br />
Love happens. Definitely. I know that. <br />
I'm just waiting for it to come around again is all. <br />
It will.

Oh! <br />
I forgot that whole group that resembles mafioso!!!<br />
Oscar reminded me when he said "incarcerated." The felons!! <br />
<br />
I had a Don who badgered me!! Okay, well maybe not a don--maybe he was a captain wannabe--or perhaps a street thug--but that is a whole other group I forgot to mention! <br />
<br />
The "Will Be Picked Up Soon For Extortion And/Or Murder" guys. It's usually something about the hair that sends the chills down your neck. Those guys love their hair. <br />
<br />
Can you say Delete Profile NOW? <br />
Why do you want to delete? Is it because you met someone?Yes! Yes! Whatever you say. <br />
Just delete my ******* profile!!!

<br />
Sorry for that guest appearance of The Abbreviator. What I meant to say was that: I enjoyed reading this story, and at certain points I chuckled quietly. <br />
<br />
Online dating must suck balls (that means it's a bad thing, by the way). But because I know you're a "cup is half full" person, I just thought I'd drop in here and make sure you knew that my wife and I met online. It wasn't an online dating site, true. But we did set up a double "date" of sorts after "meeting" online. My wife brought her roommate, I brought my roommate. He was the one that was trolling for a girlfriend, I just would go with him while we set up all these meetings with college girls at restaurants for coffee or we would meet to play pool at a bowling alley or bar. It's funny that he was the one that was looking for someone, but I'm the one that found someone. And now we have Hadley, and another on the way.... :-)<br />
<br />
So there, happy endings do exist in the cyberworld. And if you ask real nice, I'll write a quick story about it.

Time to come clean, I was truthful about "breathing." The "not" part of "not incarcerated" may have been a typo. :)

If you have your choice to laugh or cry, better to laugh, or do both. I admire your spirit, and your selectivenss. "Breathing, not incarcerated" is about the best I or many guys out there can offer. It is difficult to embellish an extensive curriculum vitae like that and not get caught.

Yeah. I was...mislead. He didn't want to tell me, but he did. I'll give him that.<br />
I'm sad.<br />
So I guess making fun of of the whole lot of them is my revenge. <br />
I'm not so smart either. <br />
In fact, I feel like an idiot.

Beware the no picture, indeed!!<br />
<br />
Shame on married men who join dating sites. Not that i am on some moral high horse, but there are sites specifically for the "married but looking" crowd. Cheat your little heart out, but be upfront about your marital status and the fact that it won't be changing anytime in the near future. Your wife is a crazy *****, your kids are still at home, you don't have the money to move out,...yeah yeah yeah. We get it, but we don't want to be your fun time gal while you continue on with your family unit. <br />
<br />
What, me bitter? Nah. You either. We are just smart.

Well, I'm feeling something, but it's not warm fuzzies.<br />
I'm pretty sure that stirring is nausea. <br />
To be fair, they are not "losers", they just have a hard time seeing things from a woman's point of view, I think, and most of them are very uncomfortable conversing. I could start a business designing profiles and writing bios probably. <br />
I am not overly particular, although that may not be obvious by this. I am just tired, and not much in the mood for dating. And as Autimom pointed out, I am definitely still a little bitter about being in this position in the first place (as she said she would be). <br />
I've actually met some very nice people. All I can say about the experience is that doing this at 47 or 57, is ...hard.<br />
Also, I left out a huge group from this list: "Married, but looking to date." I'm afraid that group would require a story all its own. Beware the no picture. <br />
Man, I'm tired.

I am there with you. Never expected it at my age and now have to sort through all the sappy, crappy profiles. I'm like, REALLY? You expect to entice me into your life with that? And the pictures, OMG! However I also am enjoying being single. It's so liberating. The only one I have to answer to now is my dog - who by the way adores me to no end.

This better be the beginning of a series. <br />
<br />
I can not imagine and I sit with the kind of shock that makes your mouth hang open when you tell me about these guys,...well that, or laugh my *** off. <br />
<br />
I told my B a few days ago that if he leaves me and I have to resort to trying to weed through these guys along side you i am going to be seriously pissed.

Well done! We have obviously been dipping our toes into the same dating pool of winners. Being single really isn't so bad after all. Though it is nice when someone says "your cute". Gives me the warm fuzzies.