Dating Is Still Confusing, Even Online!

   I'm not much of a barfly, and it's very difficult to find places to meet people, so I joined EHarmony for a month earlier this year(it's $50 just for a month!).  I ended up meeting two guys from the site, but both turned out to be disasters!  The first guy seemed nice and, according to EHarmony we were a "match", but the first time we met in person, as soon as he opened his mouth, I began feeling offended.  It seemed as if everything that he said was in some way insulting to women, or just plain cocky and rude.  So, needless to say, I never saw him again. 

   The second guy that I met really did a number on me.  We talked via email for a couple of weeks before we met, and he seemed absolutely perfect.   When we did finally meet, I was convinced that he was perfect.  I thought that he was exactly the type of guy that I was looking for...sweet, considerate, earthy hippy guy, decent looking, intellectual, caring, loves to read, loves his dog, etc, etc.  He began sending me emails telling me how excited he was to meet someone like me and that he couldn't believe what a beautiful and wonderful person I am.  He would send virtual flowers, his emails became increasingly more romantic and it seemed as if he always knew just the right thing to say.  After our second date, we ended up sleeping together, which is something that I don't normally do.  But, I think that I was just caught up in the idea of finding someone who was actually the type of guy that I wanted, and things just kept moving right along.  We began having lunch together during the week...well, I say having lunch, but we'd really just meet at his house and have sex, which was spectacular!  I had mentioned to him that things seemed to be moving really fast and that it scared me, and his reply was that he was scared to, but he was scared of waking up and finding out that it was all just a dream.  So, I decided just to go with it and take a chance instead of putting up a wall like I always do to keep myself from getting hurt.  The last time that I saw him, we met at his house for "lunch", and when I was leaving, I told him that I didn't want him to think that I was just using him for sex.  He said that he didn't want me to think that either, but he had a strange look on his face.  After that, his replies to my emails became short or he wouldn't answer them at all.  We had made plans for that Friday night, but he never called or responded to my text message.  I finally sent him an email asking what had happened because I thought that everything was great between us.  He said that when I told him that I wasn't just using him for sex, it made him realize that he wasn't just using me, either, and that things were moving too fast for him.  I've invited him to go out a few times with me and my friends and asked him if he'd just like to hang out sometime, and although he keeps saying that he definitely wants to keep seeing me because he thinks that I'm a wonderful woman, he says that he may want to go wherever it is I'm going, he never calls or shows up. 

   It's now been almost a month since I've seen him, and I've come to realize that he more than likely was just using me for sex.  That really irks me because I didn't see it coming.  I'm in my 30's for goodness sake, and I thought that I could spot something like that a mile away!  After that experience, I have let my membership with EHarmony expire, and I'm trying my best to not let him sour my attitude towards meeting men.  It's just disheartening to consider the possibility that someone could be the person that you've been searching for, and then find out that they were using you. 

TreadingWater TreadingWater
31-35, F
21 Responses Aug 5, 2008

Thank you for this story I recently met a man on a dating website called and he seemed to be this sweet, kind, gorgeous man well at first everything was fine but as time went on I started feeling like he was putting in any effort into being with me as I was with him so last week after I hadn't heard from him all day and when I called him he HUNG UP on me mind you I had already fallen for this guy I had a friend set up a profile and pretend to be someone interested in him well once she did that he started trying to meet her and when she asked him about me he at first acted like he didn't know me but then he said I was just some crazy person he met in KY but anyways sorry for the long post just happy to know there are other people having the same issues I'am

POF is a bad website for online dating .

What makes you say that?

I met many creepy person on this website, zooska and Pof has lots boy just wanna play game and have sex. You need be really careful, especially they will ask some questions really inappropriate .

What a story.
You know lady, that awful guys behavior. What he was.
That's something that I just wish, just WISH I could somehow have girls understand. That I am not this kind of person.
I personally don't believe in having intercourse unless I love the person.
This is the way I am, that will never change.
I really hate that ******* you dated.


I have been in the same situation. Online sites can be like that. My current love and I met on plenty of fish. He never pressured me for sex. I told hm I wanted to wait. He came to my house and we didn't even kiss. He was very respectful. Our next "date" was at my house as well and he spent the night. Only a tiny bit of kissing. When I finally was ready a while later, he asked me if I was sure because he didn't want me to do something I wasn't comfortable with.

Unfortunately, for guys like me, there are guys like that out there. As you mentioned, he knew exactly what to say and when to say it. Now you have a sour experience and are discouraged while he goes on to find his next friend with benefits. Just understand that men have the same problems - gold diggers, flirts that lead you on, users etc. We just are too embarrassed to admit a woman broke us.<br />
<br />
Take a break and regain your confidence. You are an intelligent woman who has a lot to offer and deserve a good man. You can get back on the horse a little wiser for the experience. Life can be so much better when we have someone to share it with.

I blame the hormones, I am sure I would not get into so much trouble without them, but on the flip side , the good the bad and the ugly are better than a life of nothing...

Thanks for sharing your story, TreadingWater. From my opinion you can’t tell it for sure that he used you only for sex. Sometimes we (women) push men to think into the wrong direction. Maybe if you hadn’t mentioned it, that thought would not have come across his mind. But maybe it was really his goal as men use on-line dating to find a partner for a couple of nights.<br />
I met such pick-upper myself on the dating site. He was from the other country. He appeared in my life like a flash of lightening and stroke me directly into my heart. We had had long conversation on mobile every evening during 3 months and met at last. He was much older than me but it was not important for me at all. <br />
We had sex at the first night though I had never done such things before. We’d spent 4 days together and then he told me that he was too old for me and other rubbish that men usually tell women when they don’t need them. I could see he really liked me during these days but something “clicked” inside him at the end of our meeting. He got what he wanted and threw me out like a useless doll. <br />
It was a good lesson for me. It has blocked all my feelings for 3 long years. But I didn’t give up. I found a right man using on-line dating at last. He is a very carrying, tender and kind person… It will take me ages to describe him… And he didn’t even mention about sex at the first dating. <br />
So I’m sure you’ll be lucky!

i also wish u luck abbie with your new guy. where did u find him? maybe i can find one in the same place! lol.

I hope that things work out with your wonderful guy, abbie! I felt the same hormones started to get the best of me and I gave in to them, which wasn't the best decision, but it did let me know very quickly exactly what his intentions were. I wish you the very best of luck!!

i'm afraid that will be a hard one 4 me ; letting my head rule instead of my emotions. when i'm really attracted to someone, i tend to dive in head first. although i'd like to think i've learned something in the years i haven't been involved with anyone, i'm still not sure. i'm afraid all that i think i've learned might go out the window! lol.

Wow, I can SO relate. I recently met a WONDERFUL guy, and the hormones seem to be waking up after a long stretch of abstinance. I can see how easy it would be to fall into a physical relatinship. Via email and the phone, I've come to feel emotionally close, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. I know I want him, but if there is going to be more, I feel certain that I will have to be VERY careful not to let my feelings over-rule my mind. :) Sorry that you had to learn that one, but I'm hoping that it will remind me...

That's true too! I guess that both genders have ended up f***ing each other up totally!

that's one thing i've learned on"ep" is there are men who have the issues with the opposite sex like us women do. it's good 2 know it's not just limited 2 us ladies although i know more women that have issues than men do.

That's also very true! The trashy gals seem to end up with the good guys most of the time. The only types of guys that I've found so far who appreciate a good woman are the ones that have already been totally screwed over by a trampy one and have realized the error in their ways. It's not fair that the ones that are looking for us are loaded down with that type of emotional baggage! It can even make good guys give up hope altogether and they feel as if they can never trust a woman.

yeah i can agree with what you're saying but sometimes it's those same types of women that seem to get a good man. i've seen it happen time and again over the years. the town ***** will snag a good man quicker than a decent woman. i've pretty much stopped trying to figure out what they like, makes me feel like a dog chasing it's tail! my mom used 2 say that men like trash! seems 2 be true in some cases.

That is very in general do seem to take something away from women. But, I don't totally blame men, I blame women too. It seems as if the dating market is full of women who give the wrong impression of our gender. A lot of single women will do whatever it takes to get attention from men, like kissing other girls, wearing almost nothing, and forgetting who they are to pretend that they are what they think most guys want...a freak in the sheets with no personality whatsoever. It's no wonder that a lot of guys only want sex from women, because a lot of women have given them the impression that it's the only thing we're good for. It's a vicious cycle perpetuated by both genders, and although I would like to be optimistic about that changing sometime soon, I think that it's really getting worse. Like Dave Chappelle said, "If p#$$& was a stock, it would be plummetting because the market is flooded with it!" It's a supply and demand type of thing, I suppose.

yeah every man who has wronged me i met the old fashioned way, so it's definitely no guarantee that they'll treat u better. men have definitely "boggled" my mind 2 for a long time. that's why i checked out of the game 6 yrs ago,i'd just had enough. i decided recently 2 take steps 2 get back into the swing of things but my confidence wavers on a daily basis. a friend wanted me 2 go out with her the other nite but i didn't. i'm not quite ready yet. it really ****** me off that because of men, i feel worn down. always seem to take something away from women.

I feel the same way that you's probably better to meet men the good old fashioned way. But, there's no guarantee that a guy that you meet in person won't do the same thing. That double standard ****** me off, too! I suppose that once guys get what they want, there's no other reason for them to continue seeing you. But, I know for me, if I'm not interested in the guy, I'm not going to sleep with him in the first place. Men definitely boggle my mind on a continual basis. I wonder if I'll ever understand them! And you're right, no matter what you do, hold out or go on and "do" them, there's no telling what they'll do either way.

if they don't give refunds, they need 2 start! i guess i would rather meet guys in more conventional ways like i used 2. something else that ticks me off is why are women judged 4 having sex quickly but men aren't? why do they seem 2 pull away after this happens? i've never pulled away from a man after having sex with him! i really hate the double standard thing, i think it's bs! u can have sex soon or hold out, sometimes they still pull that crap regardless.

Hear hear! I wonder if EHarmony has a money back guarantee for hooking me up with a jerk! Thank you so much for the supportive words! I wouldn't say that online dating is going to be a bad experience for everyone...I think that it's a good concept. But, it does leave plenty of room for this type of thing to happen. I will just have to make sure to hold off longer on the sex part.

and i think that either "e harmony" or the a*****e owes u a refund!

oh i feel 4 you! u do think that by the time u reach a certain age u can spot this **** comming but it ain't necessarily so. it's happened 2 me more than i want 2 remember. he's a dirty sob 4 using u like that. just want the *** and there they go. all the trouble of doing the online dating thing, plus the money it costs, and that's the best u got. hell, i'd rather be dogged 4 free if that's the case! i've signed up with a few sites but i guess i'm too cheap to pay 2 talk to a man! after hearing your experience, i'm sure not gonna do it. besides, i'm not totally comfortable with going that route anyway.