Fought It For Years, But I Began Online Dating 5 Weeks Ago

I am what the medical community terms "morbidly obese".  I have been fat my whole life. In every relationship I've ever had it has always been the same thing: a man that thinks I am beautiful (of face) and have a great personality but wishes I were not so fat. I always felt like a seocnd class citizen in my own realtionship and like I had to make up for that deficit to him somehow. I felt like I should be grateful that he was giving me "a chance" even though he didn't really like my body. And the men felt like they were settling, that they could “do better” than me, and often were embarassed to me seen with me in public. It is an awful way to live feeling physically unattractive to the person you love.

All that ever garnered were bad and unfilling relationships - - for both of us. I made up my mind that I was not going to settle anymore. That the next time I was with someone it was going to be because they thought I was everything they wanted in a person (as much as that is possible.) I decided I would rather be alone than settle ever again. Many years passed and no man seemed to feel that way about me. Just more, "you are so beautiful. If only you weren't so fat." or  "I really like you. I would date you if only you weren't so fat." Mostly I was ok about that because I'd gotten to the point where alone was better than settling. I have a great life, amazing friends, tons of hobbies, etc. and am always busy, going, doing, and being loved by the many people in my life who do think I'm awesome just the way I am. But everyone needs physical contact...someone to touch them and to be able to touch them back. I would have times where I thought I was certain I was going to die alone, never having met anyone who could see me as more than layers of fat.

Many times in my life people have suggested going on the sites where men are seeking big women. I always fought it because I believed that there was something wrong with a man that didn't want a woman with a "hot "body. At first being on this website made me feel awkward and like a loser. But I've been on this site for just over a month now and talked to over 250 men from all over the country and around the world. Sure a batch of them (and maybe even most of them) are only looking for easy s-ex. But not all of them.

Do you know what I've learned? That I am some men's fantasy. Just like a man may prefer a petite girl, or blonde-haired girl, or a light-skinned girl, or a big-breasted girl, for some men, I am their fantasy body type. I didn't believe it at first, but I've had enough experiences with this site now to know that it's true. I realized just how much I bought into what our culture teaches us: that fat is ugly, fat is unattractive, fat cannot be sexy. But here, in this little online world of men seeking big women, I am sexy. I am beautiful. And I am desired. So even if I am not your fantasy, I am a lot of other men's. Now I just have to find the one that is mine!