I Wish I Was Dead Now

honestly..i never feel good, and im always having thoughts about killing myself. i never knew why i had these thoghts until i realized that i had no one to love me..i wish i had friends that stayed with me no matter how i feel. they always want to leave me when im really happy and it just makes me depressed..and now i try to make friends and they see that im sad and i look "disturbing"..no one really talks to me and people always use me. i recently fell in love with this girl that understood me and she had the same issues and she fell in love with me. i then found out that she "fell in love" with me to get with another one of my closest friends..and i really trusted her and all of my other friends because they even knew about it and didnt tell me..now i feel like even more **** then what i did before.i mean i spent all these years (since 5th grade and now a sophomore in hs) trying to get rid of my depression and now its worse. i tried to kill myself alot of times throughout my life but i always got distracted or someone would show up out of the blue and say or do something to make me happy..idk why this happens alot..i wish they would forget about me at my bad times so that i can just die and not deal with this..